The Journal Chronicles (Excerpts)

My friends,

            In my current waning years, I have found that I am less independent than I would like to be. Not in the physical sense, but that I find myself cold and alone when I am too much to myself. Eliza comes on occasion to help out in at least to make supper. She is a shut-in, much like myself, but in her case, she chose that lifestyle. In any case, any attempts at conversing are brief and few between, so while she is there in person, no real attempt at a deeper connection has ever been made on her side, thus, I don’t bother. Some people just prefer to be by themselves. While there may have been a time where I felt the same, I look back at all the short relationships that I had and amazed that, all by different forms and ways, none are current to this day. None.

            And who I miss the most are those that I considered part of my different families: My first mother, my adoptive family, the family I had with Annie, and even my family that I formed with the Socrave Army. Sad reality is that I’m not sure who still remains alive. It is very possible that everyone that I have ever loved is dead. Even if they were, the chances of ever seen them again is nil. It is a miracle that I found Eliza’s hut in the middle of this forest, and from my experience, miracles don’t happen twice. You’re given luck if the gods favor you so, but eventually, like currency, you will run out of it or die with some still in your pocket, in which case, becomes worthless to you at that point.

            The simplicity of life has become routine. I wake early, right before the sun. I sit out on the porch, smoke my pipe, listen to the morning song of the birds, and watch the early sunrise break through the morning hue over the forest. After my morning meditation, I retreat back into the house, grab a drink, and begin writing in these scrolls. The moment that I become fatigued from writing, I take a walk for a brief moment, hearing the sound of the wind ruffle through the leaves. I watch the commotion of the land creatures, who pay no heed to my familiar presence. It is peaceful. It’s like the world is going about it’s way, and I have merely become a spectator in its grandeur. Almost like I was one of the gods, watching their Creation, feeling no need to control or influence anything. It is as if I am watching Nature as it was always intended; uninterrupted.

            Afterwards, I go back to the scrolls before either preparing for dinner or being served supper, depending on Eliza’s disposition. After supper, I go back to the porch and watch the sun set through the shadows of the trees over the lake. I spend the rest of my waking hours meditating and reflecting on more memories. I also think of Annie, wishing that she was on the other side of the lake, just like before, waiting for her to come around the lake and see me. However, I know that will never happen again, and just as the thought curses me, I head inside to attempt to close the day, hoping that my dreams do not torture me again.

            I have accepted this new life, as reluctant as I was early on. This certainly isn’t the path that I was expecting when I thought about my life coming to a close. In all due honesty, I never once thought through about my life expiring. I knew it was always a relative possibility, but I never felt that it would happen, despite the numerous battles and dangerous encounters that I had. I never felt the feeling of death upon me. Fear, certainly, but never death. But sometimes fear can be worse than death. Fear can cripple what is meant to be a lively life, whereas death can be seen as something noble even. Many of my comrades died noble deaths on the battlefield, and they were celebrated with trumpets and memorials, surrounded by family and loved ones remembering their life through their death. I always wished for such a service after the ending to my life, but alas, none such thing will happen once I perish. There will be no trumpets blaring, no glorious praise, no family or loved ones by my side… not even a hint of a whimper. Just silence. And a void left unfulfilled.

            I can sense that my light is burning out. My will to live is becoming weak. I feel I have nothing left to give this world and my life. I have given it my all and failed. I have failed my life. I have failed in my journey to be this great warrior. I want to hope that the Evil Spirit will be defeated, but in my vast imagination, I doubt even the remotest possibilities. I was the one to stop him, and I failed. I was their hope, and now there is no more.

            Elize made some supper for both of us, which in these recent days, has become rare. I’m starting to wonder if her health is failing, like mine is. She insists on not accepting any help, even when it is painfully obvious she is to the point where moving around the hut has become a tremendous struggle for her. I do not think it is pride that is making her deny help, but more that she simply wants her life to go the natural route and go as long as physically possible. She also wants to live as if I wasn’t there, and while her hospitality has been much appreciated, she was living independent for near 30 years before I happen to stumble upon her door. She didn’t have to take me in, but did out of sheer sympathy. For repayment, I promised to not interrupt her way of living as much as I could, thus, I never tried to push her boundaries. In many ways, doing nothing is what she asked to be done of me, therefore, I respect her wishes.

           After a while, I noticed Eliza’s health has been fading dramatically. After a few days of not seeing her, not even making supper, I started to wonder if there was something wrong. I knocked on her door with no answer. I noticed the door was unlocked, so I slowly opened it. I saw her on the bed, with no reaction to my entrance to the room.

            I approached her quietly and tapped her on her shoulder, covered in the blanket. She was a bit startled, but only opened her eyes just enough to see. I asked if she was alright. Her lips didn’t move, but her eyes slowly lowered, telling me the answer.

            I spent a moment in silence with her, gently rubbing her shoulder. I vocally thanked he for all she did for me and spoke to her for a short while.

            I noticed a tear tricker down her eyes. That is when I broke.

            While I have seen so much death in my life, seeing her tear gently slide across her face squeezed and suffocated my heart to the point that I started feeling ill. Why is her death affecting me so deeply? I watched many of my comrades die and never felt this way for them.

            I was so emotionally overwhelmed that I had to look away. I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt my own tears forming uncontrollably. I tried to calm myself in my grief, but to no avail. It took me a long while before I could even compose myself to have another thought other than sorrow. When I finally looked back at Eliza, her eyes were closed and her breath was gone. I felt sick that her last sight of being in this world was me turning away from her and that I couldn’t watch her in her final moments. It was then that I realized, even after all this time, how weak I am… that I am still afraid to face my own pain. That I am still afraid to truly love another out of that fear.

As I have gone through this perilous life, I have learned one basic, important rule: Life will be what it is, whether or not we chose it to be.

            My life came by almost accidental and circumstantial stance. Many have argued that I shouldn’t even be here, that my life has disrupted the flow of good and evil, that I am responsible for the collapse and destruction of my civilization. But the truth here is that my life has a meaning, a purpose. Since I am here, I am to live as best as I can, and I have tried to live up to that. Despite the setbacks and failures, I see my life as a triumph. The triumph of a man who the world first didn’t know existed, then didn’t want, then accepted, then rejected. I have shown people that life is not as simple as we portray it to be, but it has many complications that we cannot even begin to fathom. This is what makes life beautiful in the sense that it can never be duplicated. The life we have can never be repeated by another individual. It is only in this sense and knowledge can we truly appreciate the fact that life is precious, no matter what.

            It took me a lifetime to learn this simple lesson. A lesson that probably struck me in my youth, but I wasn’t paying attention. With the turmoil and sadness and busyness that my life had become over the many years, I simply did not have time to sit down and carefully examine the ultimate lesson of life. While my life has many regrets, this is a major one that I wish I would’ve done earlier. The one blessing of sitting alone here in my cell is to have the opportunity to think and meditate on the many lessons that life gave me that I missed. This is hence why I decided to write these pages as a reminder to myself all the many things that my life has been filled with. My life, as tragic as it may seem on the outside, has been filled with great abundance and adventure. I am blessed to have lived the life that I have, but I only hope that I get another chance at life. While life has left me fulfilled, I feel that I have not left life fulfilled. I feel there is more that I could’ve done and that I could do, however messy I have left it. Unfortunately, there is no realistic way out, as I am condemned here until my days are numbered and over. Even if there was a hope of escape, there is no energy left in my soul to continue. I have spent everything that I have in the previous years with not a single speck of energy remaining. If the soul would be compared to a raging fire, my soul now would be nothing more than quiet, smoldering remains of what once was.

            This is my last bit of message to anyone who may be reading this: Live your life beyond limitations. Live your life beyond expectations. Live your life beyond yourself. Live your life beyond what is known and possible. Live your life beyond.

In peace, I depart from you, my friends.

            Andreas Johansson