Broken

April 10, It happened again, At least I got to sleep longer this time, tonight's record is my bedtime curfew to 5:30. One hour longer than the last two nights, I suppose that is an improvement. If only these nightmares would simply disappear; These sleeping tablets that I'm taking presently are much stronger than the previous ones and yet still they take at least an hour to kick in. Dr Hamilton said that my body might be rejecting it based on my fares which causes a rush of releasing hormones that affect its effects and to be honest, I was afraid, I hardly closed my eyes in fare of what horrible things my mind might dig up and replay for me.

5:45 finished

April 11, the normal time to 11:10 pm, 11: 26pm - 12:50 am, 1:42 am- 3:39 am, 4;00 am ........... I kept on seeing his face, hearing his voice, that precise tone he perpetually used before he would lose his composure and get physical. It's bad enough that I hear and see images of what had happened previously in my head when I'm not asleep much less now. Tonight I saw myself hiding in a corner cowering away with wide eyes as I listened to them struggling with each other and over objects. The sound of glass shattering and the sound of receiving and giving hits sounded so genuine. The entrance door of the room I was in began to open and that's when I sprang up terrified staring over at my room doors and windows as if he was going to burst in at any moment. I hadn't screamed this time, I was certain of it and for that I was grateful but I did, however, sit on the carpet flooring again, trembling as I cried silently before coming to write, but this time it was different. It has been quite different for some time now.

April 12

My therapist Mr Knowles said that I should continue doing this, that writing down my dreams and my reactions towards them will help me but then again he had once told me that I'm not a broken child and I'm aware of the fact that this book will be given to him once he asks for it. So aren't I broken, Doctor? I don't think those 'normal persons' get up every night to cry over the past, over dreams and fears because to be accurate, this seems very broken to me. I wasn't quite truthful with him today but to be honest, these days all I seem to do is lie to him and everyone else. I saw a picture of his son turned away from him on his office desk, it had caught me a bit off guard. I had that feeling I used to have when he was alive, it felt like just diving into the ocean, allowing the waves to push you around as you sank and allowing the water to eventually swallow you whole, covering you up slowly but surely.

I've been thinking about confessing for a while now but the guilt of seeing his picture today has pushed my last button. I am truly sorry Doctor Knowles, I hadn't meant for any of this to happen.

(December 3)

This date was my very first visit to Dr Knowles office, I had written about how I felt and the things I had confessed about but I had neglected a few things. I left out the parts about an angry boy almost hitting my car as I drove into the parking area, that very parking lot I had stared at before driving away today how our cars both left marks there as we jerked to a stop and how he had ignored my presence as he parked, slammed his door and walked straight up to the very office I was in today.

Back then I only experienced nightmares at least twice a month. compared to now I was exceptional before. I had also left out the part where he had saved my life by catching me just in time from behind as I had lost my stepping and was about to fall back down the steps, he had dipped me a bit down further than necessary then brought me back up. He smelt like when my perfume stayed too long on my clothes without washing it and his brown eyes looked so soft, so smooth yet shiny like marble tiles. "Hi" he had said once I was standing straight again and although I was a step higher than him, he was still a bit taller than I was.

"so, what's your problem?" he had asked taking me by surprise. Back then I didn't know who he was and I hadn't tried to make conversations with him, I had brushed his question completely off as I told him "Thanks for,...... that" then walked away but he had followed behind me to the receptionist as I told her my appointment. "Even better your not a mute, you seem humble, let me take a wild guess you've got daddy issues?" I turned to look at him in surprise as he smirked "don't worry we've all got issues, that's why we're here right?" he continued but I doubted it, he had looked dangerous yet perfect in my eyes and I didn't believe that he had a worry in the world.

"and what's your issue?" I asked him causing him to smile.

"I don't seem to be making the right impression of myself on you" he had said, I remembered every single word we had said to each other as if it was yesterday, I've replayed it so many times I think it's stuck.

"that's cute, real classy, the typical player" I had replied as I walked away over to the waiting area, took a seat and to my surprise he had followed.

"You think so?" he had asked. At that time he was just a cocky stuck up boy but looking back now he was so much more than that, he had so much to him that had made him unique.

"I've been working on it, the next thing I want to master is how to give the impression that I'm dangerous " he continued as he moved in a bit too close to my face "You know it been confirmed that 'good girls' and girls with daddy issues are drawn to danger?" this caused a laugh to escape from my lips as he moved away from me, " Its true especially bad boys, it's like danger is alluring to them, they enjoy the excitement" He had said next and if only he knew how I had loved the excitement of what I did and said to him next after I had tilted my head back and laughed at him.

"Then tell me are you really bad because by now I think I'm an expert and I don't see it" I inched closer to him and ensured that he saw my eyes taking him in, missing nothing, every single breath I took in was released on his face.

 " You know it's been confirmed that boys like you like to play with fire and its just your luck, I'm a wildfire. Trust me I know how to play this game don't be fooled" I had seduced him and I still think the most amazing part was when I had used my big finger to pull his lips apart, how my name had called right after that and when he called out " I guess you're my fire" as I walked into my appointment to his father.

Every single thing that I've written about going out with friends are all lies, the only friend I had was Aiden Knowles. At my second appointment December 10 where I wrote about getting a ride from a friend to the office for my therapist appointment that was Aiden and the part where I talked about making a friend on the first day and how that person hadn't given up until I had given them a chance, that was also him.

I had stopped trying to push him away as soon as I noticed that with him on my mind all the time it left no space for my nightmares. Every single friend I've ever talked about are clever ways I came up with for talking about Aiden.

December 24 right before Christmas where I spoke about preventing a friend from getting into a fight wasn't completely a lie. That's the first time I've ever seen him that upset and I had to put my self in between him and the guy he would have probably killed if I hadn't calmed him down. Later on, that day he had gotten unsettled about the fact that he could have hurted me and where I spoke about spending Christmas with a friend and we shared secrets that was with Aiden, I had saved him from himself and he had told me about how he had killed his mother at birth and how everyone had blamed him and how he's affected by the relationship with his father and I had told him about my abusive past as well and my nightmares.

Aiden and I became official on January 10 but was written down as making an official best friend on January 13. Everywhere I wrote about helping a friend is about helping him from himself.

On February 6 Aidens birthday I showed him how I felt about him and sealed our fates, in march I wrote about how our friendship had ended. Thaks because Aiden and I had done something really on February 6, 14, 22 and our stupid decisions were finally catching up to us. I had told him what I had figured out and he denied it, he cried about how much of a disappointment he was and wouldn't listen to me no matter how much I had tried to reassure him.

I was there with him that night when it happened, I had found him an hour later drinking at the bar, he had used my father against me and had left without a trace after I told him that I was keeping it.

I should have followed him, I shouldn't have stopped looking and maybe I could have saved him but the storm was coming too fast and maybe just maybe I could have stopped him just in time before he took off his shirt and divided in.

Aiden died because of me, it's all my fault, I once thought that nothing could feel worst than living with an abusive parent but now that I see not only my father's abusive side but I also keep on dreaming about how Aiden might have drowned and that is worst than anything that ill ever go threw. How will I ever tell this child that I killed its father? the guilt has been killing be and because of this i'm sleep deprived.