Within her mind

Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts

It was raining again. It seemed like it had been raining forever lately. So many walked passed her without so much as a glance, the rain masking the tears that rolled down her face. Her heart ached pitifully in her chest as she looked out into the crowd around her. Worthless, her mind hissed, what are you even doing here? Her fingers reached into her pocket and she felt around for the razor that was hidden in there. That blade felt heavy in her hands. She looked up searching for a face, someone to talk to, but everyone around her was so preoccupied with their own lives, their own minds, that she didn't want to interrupt.

And what exactly would she say? Help me my mind is shattered? I can't cope with this feeling in my chest? No, she couldn't deal with a random stranger rejecting her right now. She let go of the razor and dug around in her back pocket pulling out a small bundle of wadded up cash and loose change. She couldn't go home yet, her mother wasn't back from work and she knew she couldn't be left alone.

Ten dollars. Enough for a hot chocolate and donut at the cafe across the street. That's right just eat you're feelings away, the voice hissed. She tried to shake away the thoughts as she crossed the street, but yet they still hissed dark thoughts. You could just let the car hit you.

Stop it, She told herself. That's enough from you today.

The cafe was warm and she took off her damp coat to let it dry on her chair. The hot chocolate smelled heavenly and she could feel the warm liquid heating her body, and muffling the dark words in her mind. She looked around at all the faces of the people around her and felt the vibration of their lives around her. The heaviness in her chest continued to ache as the voice in her mind spoke up again, not a single person here would miss you if you were gone. You mean nothing to their lives. She looked down into her glass. Maybe it was just time to go.

"Oh my god Jazzy! How have you been?" She was suddenly enveloped into a tight bear hug as she nearly was thrown from her chair. It was familiar and warm and she couldn't help but smile. "You haven't been messaging me back, have you been busy?" Her friend Mary's round face filled her view and her affectionate smile was like a warm summer breeze blowing through the cold as she searched her face.

"No, it's not that. I just haven't been well." Jasmine said forcing a smile. Mary let out a sigh.

"Have you been off your meds again?" She could see the concern in her face as Jasmine nodded.

"My new doctor won't prescribe my antidepressants and I haven't had the energy to look for a new physician. And I don't want to be a bother-"

"No, stop right there. We've covered this hundreds of times you are never a bother. And I know that you have a hard time with your energy levels but always remember I would rather have you call me in the middle of the night than to find out you've been suffering along or worse." Mary enveloped her on a tight hug that she so desperately needed "I'm back from my trip now so why don't we sit down soon and I'll see about helping you look for a new doctor?" Jasmine felt herself nod willingly. "And if you don't feel like telling me how you're feeling I can tell you about my trip until you're ready to head out."

"That sounds nice." Jasmine sat and listened to Mary ramble on her adventures to the UK as she continued drinking her hot chocolate. She mostly enjoyed being in the warmth of her old friends company. She knew it wound't cure what she was feeling but for now the darker thoughts in her head were tamed and she could go on with the night holding onto the bits of sunlight her friend had brought into her storm. There was a moment of silence between them and Jasmine put her hand on the table with the razor underneath her hand and she slid it across the table.

"Mary, I need you to take this from me." Mary looked at it for a moment before dutifully dropping it into her purse.

"Will you be okay tonight?" She asked eyeing Jasmine from across the table.

"I will be."

"And if you're not, you will call me." Mary said placing her hand on jasmine's.

"I will." They left the cafe together, but this time Mary walked her home and left her with some of the sunlight she often brings into her life, but still leaving Jasmine with a pang of guilt that she had worried her friend. She told herself that it was just her mind again and went home to get some rest. But after Mary left the thoughts began again and Jasmine found herself walking out into the rain among the crowds of the faceless strangers. It was darker than it had been earlier as she came to the bridge and looked out over the water.

You could jump. Jasmine starred down into the inky black water of the river below her imagining her body plummeting into those cold waves and she shivered, No, she didn't come here to die, she came here to think for a time, to be alone for a few minutes away from the crowds that made her feel even more lonely. It was hard sometimes to remember that she wasn't a burden to them, that people did honestly care, but sometimes it was harder to care about herself in the same way.

"You have to be kinder to yourself, Jazzy!" Mary had reminded her earlier in the night. It was easier said than done, but after spending time with her old friend she felt that maybe it was a good time to start.