Healing

Ten years. Ten amazing, wonderful, albeit sometimes difficult, years, which were by far the best of my life. It had been ten years almost to the day since I had walked away from my birth mother when I got a text out of the blue. I still have no idea how she got my number - after I went no contact, I changed my name, moved to another state, and started almost an entirely new life for myself. But apparently, she found me, the proof is right here on my phone.

“I don’t know why you felt the need to run off and change your whole identity, but we need to talk.”

I could feel my heart in my throat as I read the message, my mind helpfully supplying the shrill, grating voice of the woman who “raised” me. Really, she was my very first bully, the person responsible for all my childhood abuse. She was great at showing a completely different side whenever there were people around, but as soon as our company had left, I was yet again at her mercy. I have worked so hard these past ten years to erase her voice from my memory, but the way I feel right now, I might as well be back in her living room.

Too many questions are swirling through my head, I can’t think straight right now. Why is she texting me now? How in the world did she even find me? Does she really think I’m just going to call her, after ten years away? Scratch that last question, of course she expects that I’ll drop everything and attend to her, because that is what has always been expected of everyone in her life.

I guess the most pressing matter right now is how did she find me? I cut all ties with anyone who might possibly talk to her or anyone in her circle. Like, I went “seven degrees to Kevin Bacon,” style through my life, getting rid of every single person with any potential contact to my mother or anybody else in her life. There are only two ways I can think of that she could have found me - either she hired a private investigator, or she searched court records for my birth name until she found my new legal name, and then investigated on her own. Either way, I’m not cool with this.

Instead of calling her, I picked up the phone and called my therapist to set up an appointment, the sooner the better. I do not feel ready to confront my mother, but I also know I can’t uproot my life yet again. Not for her, at any rate. I have a job I love, where I’m treated with respect, I have friends here, I have a life I enjoy, and she is not entitled to be any part of it. I just don’t know how to tell her this, so I’m really hoping my therapist will help me brainstorm how to go about having this conversation.

Boundaries are important, according to my therapist. She said I should set clear boundaries at the beginning of the conversation, and stick to them. If she oversteps a boundary that I have set, I can choose to give a single warning, or to just end it there with no warning. Either way, she needs to understand that I am my own person, I owe her nothing, and I have every right to live a life without her involvement. I wonder if my therapist has ever had any interactions with anybody like my mother - this advice sounds like a good way to have her calling my phone every five minutes, until I end up changing my number.

We finally came to a reasonable solution, something that would allow my birth giver and I a chance to reconnect should she be willing to accept and abide by my boundaries, while still acknowledging the possibility that she will ignore said boundaries and I may end up needing to cut ties again. I will text message her with a list of appropriate vs inappropriate topics of conversation. In the message, I will also explain the consequences accompanying any decision to disregard my boundaries, up to and including a return to no contact between us. I will make it clear that I am open to beginning a respectful dialogue between two adults, but I will not hesitate to break off any conversation if my boundaries aren’t respected.

I sent the message, and informed her that I will not speak with her any further until she has agreed to respect the boundaries that I have set. I can feel my heart racing as I await her response. My stomach is in knots, every nerve in my body feels like it is on fire, all I can do is attempt to ground myself as I convince myself that I can do this, I can be strong and stick to my word. I can’t force my mother to respect either me or my boundaries, but that doesn’t mean that I have to allow her disrespect in my life. I am fully willing to give her another chance, I do believe that people can change. That being said, I’m not holding my breath that my mother has changed, I don’t dare get my hopes up.

I sent that message days ago now, still nothing from my mother. I can’t tell if she has seen it and is silently sulking, or if she’s in trouble, or if she just has decided to ignore me altogether, since I didn’t do exactly what she told me to do. Having been out of touch for the past decade, I really have no way of knowing what’s been going on in her life. I want so badly to pick up the phone and try calling her, just to see if she picks up, but that would just throw us right back into the same old cycle I ran away from. I know calling her is an unhealthy choice, because it puts all the power back into her court. I have to stick by my text to her, no matter how hard it feels to not give in.

It’s been over a week now, and still nothing from my mother. My therapist insisted on weekly counseling sessions again until there is some sort of resolution to all of this. She asked today if I had heard anything yet, but didn’t seem surprised at my negative response. She agreed that it definitely seems like a tantrum due to me not acquiescing to my mother’s demands, and that if something had happened to my mother to make her incapable of responding, I would surely have heard at least something by now. I wish I didn’t feel so disappointed by this radio silence, I feel like I should have expected this after insisting on setting boundaries before anything else.

After three weeks of nothing, I finally heard from my mother today. She called me while I was at work, so I wasn’t able to answer, but she left me a long voice mail. I don’t feel like trying to transcribe the whole message, but I can sum it up well enough - unless I agree to allow her to abuse me however she sees fit, there is no point in the two of us having any contact. I am happy that she left this as a message, because I was able to save it so I can have my counselor listen to it next week. Tomorrow, I am changing my number and blocking hers, and this will be the last time I attempt any kind of relationship with the person who gave birth to me. I’ve never been so proud of myself for standing behind my own boundaries!