The Black Sheep

They call us black sheep, we are the outcasts of our families. The ones who know how to get things done because we always had to do things for ourselves. Jeff, a short man with a personality that stands taller than he ever will, and I, have always been the first call when someone's life is crashing down.

 I used to call him when my life came crashing down, and the last call I made was followed immediately by my arrival on his front door step. My knuckles were swollen, my face was coated in streams of blood (from a car door catching my eyebrow), my ribs were cracked, and my back was in agony from being thrown into a windowsill. 

The look on Jeff's face when he opened the door flashed before my eyes from joy to fear to anger to pity. "Go get cleaned up you know where the bathrooms at, girl how'd you let it get this far?" My ex had gotten into a fight with me and he won. 

I was completely defeated, or so I thought while looking in the tiny framed bathroom mirror. I scanned my face now clean of blood and thought, "who could ever love me," I was just about patched up when Jeff knocked on the door.

"Ready to go for a ride, I gotta go help some people, they got a leak in their bathtub." I inwardly cringed knowing he was talking about his ex girlfriend who's tub was old and never properly installed. I nodded and without a word grabbed my bag and followed him out to his car.  

Looking back now I miss that car so much, but then it felt like any other car and as the last lights of day sunk behind the tree line the blue radio lights filled the interior of his car. He had been inside fixing her tub for about half an hour and when he finally got out I was wiping away the final tears of my decision. He was putting his tools in the trunk when I opened the baggie of pills I took for pain. I swallowed the entire contents of the baggie about 30 pills in all most of them were crushed and the powder almost had me gagging. I sipped the soda Jeff had gotten me earlier in silence and could feel myself drifting. The waves in my body were crashing too quickly I leaned over and rested my head on Jeff's shoulder, "I'm sorry, Jeff. But who would ever love me." The next moments were all a haze but I remember that light the blue radio lights that were so bright it made my head hurt.

"Look at the radio what time is it, look at the radio what station is it on, look at the radio, dammit girl why did you do this, keep your eyes on the radio" it wasn't long before everything was cold and dark and the little blue rectangle of light got farther away. When it was almost out of veiw I felt the car come to a screeching halt heard his door open then heard my door get ripped open. I felt his arms around me then the most uncomfortable feeling in the world he pulled me out the car enough to stick his fingers down my throat and like that the retching started and the waves stopped. 

"That's right girl, get it up, get it up, what the fuck were you thinking," Jeff said through tears while holding my limp body up to puke up my suicide attempt. When I had stopped he wiped my mouth gave me some water and then got back in the driver seat.

We drove around silently for a while then when we got to his driveway I looked over at him the blue light from the radio entirely still to bright for my liking, he was crying just looking down at his lap and crying. 

" Don't you realize, don't you see, why I put you first above everyone even me, God damnit you're so smart but so stupid you think you're alone but if no one else in this world loves you don't you realize I do. I have loved you for years but just told myself no, why would you do this, why with me?"

I was now a sobbing mess and probably still smelled of vommit but I looked down and saw him holding my hand. He honestly meant what he said, he really did secretly love me, and in the remaining haze all the memories of him flooded my mind and I knew he loved me all along and I whimpered a little, " because I love you and didn't think you'd ever love me but I wanted you to be the last person I saw so I could spend my last moments happy, I love you Jeff you saved my life and I love you and I'm sorry," that's why I always came to him when I needed help and why he always answered. It was also why as soon as he got me in the house he layed my down on the couch and watched over me for the rest of the night holding my hair back when I got sick again, making me chocolate croissants (our secret midnight snack) when I had an appetite and just holding me so I knew I finally was loved.

I didn't have family who loved me, like Jeff I became an outcast a long time ago and it would be months before any of my family even heard about this night. But just for trying to end my life most of my family won't even speak to me yet here I stand stronger than ever beside Jeff, because we are the black sheep, the outcasts, yet we have each other and for that we are stronger. It is our strength that gets things done and our pasts that make us empathize to help everyone. Sometimes we all just need a helping hand to guide us through the dark and lead us into the light.