The Secret

Allie buzzes with energy as she enthuses about her newest “one true love” romance. You sit in the busy cafe and nod along to her story of love at first sight, magical dates, and sizzling kisses. This isn’t the first time you have heard these words out of her mouth, and while you are hoping this will be the last time you doubt it will be. You mirror her smile as she beams at you and she continues rambling on. You love your sister, but you wish that she would stop talking. She always did this, went on and on about some romance that she was having without a single regard to anything else. You suppress the sigh that is building up in your chest and smile again. She begins to enthuse about the amazing night that they had together, and how they had ended up in a hotel room with rose petals scattered on the sheets. A fierce blush forms in your cheeks, after all, you were in a public place, and you wish she would not talk about these things.

"Just say it," you silently remind yourself. You know you will regret it if you don’t. While self-centered, Allie has always had your back in the moments that it mattered. You are sure that she will understand. You take a deep breath. This is your moment. Your stomach feels like it is doing flips inside of you and you begin to sweat. 

“I can do this.” You tell yourself silently. “I am strong. I am brave.” You repeat the mantra inside of your head and the words tumble around in your brain until they stick. You feel your confidence rising and you take one more deep breath. You open your mouth to tell your sister the words that have been eating away at your chest for months now. 

“I need a new dress before we head to the reunion.” Your sister interrupts. “Would you go shopping with me? You always have the best opinions when it comes to stuff like this.” She gives you puppy dog eyes and stares expectantly. 

You feel like the rug has been pulled out from under you. You couldn’t tell her now that the topic has been so drastically changed, could you? You hesitate and your mind tries to work through whether or not to tell her. You end up just panicking that you are taking too long to answer, and you wonder who leaves this long of a pause when answering a question about shopping? You take a deep breath again. The thoughts dull to the background of your mind and you smile at your sister. 

“You are just saying that so I’ll go with you.” You tease her and she smiles guiltily at you in return. 

“Maybe.” You both laugh and get up to leave the cafe. You set down the tip money on the table and with it your hopes of easing the burden that is eating you up inside. 

The two of you walk down the wide sidewalk that lines the street in the small city of Columbia. It is a hot day and the air feels thick as you try to breathe. You know this is to be expected of a city that describes itself as ‘famously hot’, but you wish it was cooler anyway. Or at least less humid. Your sister fills your silence with excited chatter about the shops and the city and you struggle to listen around the disappointment in yourself that still cloaks your heart. Sweat begins to pool on your forehead and you pass more and more shops until you finally get to the one your sister has been looking for, a small boutique that was run by a local woman. The two of you pass through the doorway and into the blissful air conditioning inside. You take a moment to savor the feeling before you walk over to a rack of dresses and begin to leaf through them. 

Your mind wanders back to how close you had been to telling her your secret in the cafe. 

“Maybe it’s not too late,” you think to yourself. “Maybe I can still tell her.” Hope blooms in your chest and you begin your mantra again. “I am strong. I am brave. I am going to tell her.” You repeat it to yourself until you feel ready for anything and scan the store for Allie. She is standing by a rack of pants, her arms filled with a growing pile of all manner of clothes. You walk over and offer to help and she is delighted. She thanks you and begins to pull more clothes and put them in your arms.

“Allie.” You start. Your hands become clammy and your breath picks up. You remind yourself of your mantra, but it feels a little farther from you now. 

“Yeah?” She answers you, but she is still leafing through the racks. You take one more deep breath. 

“I need to tell you something.” Your heart rate picks up now and your vision starts to go white around the edges. You feel trapped by your body and your words and you have to struggle to remember how to breathe. Allie looks up from the rack and studies your face. Concern floods to her eyes. 

“Hey, are you okay?” She asks you. Without waiting for an answer she makes a decision. “Let’s go sit down.” She leads you to a bench outside of the dressing rooms and sits you down. You struggle to breathe on the bench as Allie rubs your back. You feel humiliated that the situation has come to this and you feel tears begin to form behind your eyes. But your heart rate spikes to a cutthroat rate and your thoughts are quickly drowned out by the intense urge to hide. You look around for an escape and see the door to the bathroom. 

You manage to sputter out an apology to your sister before rushing to the bathroom door. Once inside you lock yourself in a stall and let the tears that you have been holding back rush down your face. You feel scared, out of control, and embarrassed that such a simple thing had snowballed into such a mess. 

You allow yourself to sit and cry for a few moments and then you hear the bathroom door open. Fear of being caught crying in a bathroom stall halts your tears. You grab some toilet paper and wipe your face, trying unsuccessfully to make it look like you were not just crying. After taking some deep breaths, you shakily take one more and walk out of the stall. Your sister stands next to the sinks, digging through her purse. She finds a travel pack of tissues and hands you one. You give her a small smile and wipe your face and nose. After you discard the tissue, she pulls you into a bear hug. For a moment the two of you stand in silence, but then Allie breaks it. 

“The panic attacks are back, aren’t they?” She inquires gently. You nod into her neck and she pulls you closer. “I’m sorry.” she expresses. You pull away from the hug gently and lean against the sink, closing your eyes and searching for the right words. 

You settle on, “The depression is back too. Worse than ever.” You keep your eyes closed. You don’t want to see the face she’s making in fear that it would be judgemental. You take another shaky breath. “I think I need help.” 

You can’t help but open your eyes then. You have to know what she is thinking one way or the other. You are surprised to see that Allie has tears running down her face. She quickly wipes them away and declares, “I’m here for you, whatever you need.” 

Your heart floods with relief and a spark of happiness and the hope that maybe everything would be okay after all lights in your chest for the first time in a long while. That, maybe, by simply knowing that another person knows could be enough of a difference to keep you from toppling over the edge. You realize that this step is the first of many on the long road to recovery, but finally, you feel like progress is being made. Allie pulls you into another hug and you find yourself thinking that you might just make it out of this alive after all.