Funny Fiction Urban Fantasy


I am not jealous, I am envious. Jealousy is when you worry someone will take what you have. Envy is wanting what someone else has. What I feel is envy. Homer Simpson.

“You are not jealous Jeannette. What you are is envious.”

“There is a difference?”

“In this case, yes. You are not jealous of Martha, but you are envious of the fact she moved into the house next door, the one you originally wanted to buy.”

“I think I am both. Can you be both at the same time? Martha is much younger than I am, I am envious of that and she has the house I now want. That makes me jealous. How would you feel if a big muscled handsome younger man moved in next door?”

”One has. That is a fair description of Martha’s partner. I am neither jealous, or am I envious. You must realise jealousy is a wasted emotion, only you can feel it.”

“What if he starts to pay attention to me? He may be the type who prefers an older woman. What then?”

“Jennifer my love, if he prefers older women, ask yourself why he is living with Martha. She is obviously younger than him. She is a tall, very attractive, one might even say sensuous, young woman.”

“Now you say that, I definitely am both, probably more on the jealous side now you describe her that way.”

“And without having a good reason. I hardly think she would prefer an older man when she has him living with her.’

“The fact you brought it up worries me Lionel. Would you be tempted if she did prefer an older partner?”

“It was you who broached the subject Jennifer. The question hasn’t arisen and I don’t expect it will.”

“Why are you avoiding answering? Either you would or you wouldn’t. Just because it hasn’t happened you still must know whether you would.”

“Be tempted?”

“Yes. Would you be tempted?”

“To do what?”

“Oh I don’t know. Whatever young attractive women want you to do I suppose.”

“Can you be a bit more explicit? Maybe she would tempt me to eat a cake she baked.”

“Did she?”

“Did she what?”

“Bake a cake for you?”

“That is enough Jennifer. You are being silly. All this is because you had the opportunity to buy the house next door but chose to buy this one. Now an attractive young woman has bought the property you are regretting your decision.”

“There. You admit you think Martha is an attractive young woman. You could have just said ‘a woman’. You didn’t have to repeat “ attractive young’. I AM jealous. Yes, that is what I am, jealous.”

“Not quite listed as one of the seven deadly sins so you are safe from possible excommunication.”

“Excommunication? From what? I don’t go to Church any more, you know that.”

“It was a joke Jennifer.”

“Well it was not very funny. I am so tempted to bring down my wrath on you. That is a deadly sin I would be justified in using.”

“You continue to amaze me. Not for a moment did I think you know anything about the seven deadly sins. It suggests I should ask how many you have committed.”

“Probably most at some time. Except sloth and maybe gluttony. I wouldn’t know how to commit sloth anyway. I also know the Ten Commandments, particularly the ones about ‘not coveting your neighbour’s wife’ and the other one about ‘thou shalt not commit adultery’. Both of which you should take notice, in view of Martha already tempting you with a cake.”

“Oh please! There was no cake. There is no tempting. There has not been any coveting taking place and to my knowledge certainly no adultery. All of this carry on is because you are envious of Martha owning a house you regret not purchasing. Chalk up another sin. Only five more and you will have used them all today.”

“That is so unfair. You are the overweight one, you are the glutton. That is one sin you can have to yourself. You are right about the house though. I wonder if Martha would sell it to us?”

“Realism does not form part of your thinking does it? She has only moved in two weeks ago.”

“If not sell, what about swapping our house for theirs, do you think Martha would consider that?”

“Could you swallow your pride and admit you made a mistake. You can hardly expect her to pay the difference in price. It would have to be a straight swap.”

“If that is what it takes I will have to consider it. I won’t be greedy”

“What reason will you give her? You cannot admit to thinking she is lusting after your husband can you? I would love to hear her reaction to that train of thought. How are you going to approach this? Do you have a devilishly clever plan?”

“Will you stop treating this as a joke? I will ask her straight out. You’ll see, woman to woman is the best way.”

“Good luck with that.”

“What is going on next door Martha? Are they arguing again?”

“No. It is  more like they are in earnest discussion about something. They are out by their pool. I wish we had a pool Troy, then I could get my all over tan in the privacy of our own yard.”

“You envy them don’t you? They walk out naked and sit by the pool all day. It is not so private really, we can see them.”

“You know, I think they know that and do it on purpose. Does Jeannette appeal to you? The older woman in ‘good condition’, so to speak, has always been your preference up until we met.”

“There is no comparison Martha, you know that. Don’t go into your jealousy mode. It doesn’t become you. I did notice Lionel paying you a lot of attention the other day and he wasn’t checking your eye colour either.”

“Now who’s pressing the jealousy button?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, I was purely making an observation.”

“The sort of observation you make when Jeannette is nude by their pool, that sort of observation? Anyway, put that aside, I have an idea. We have a few thousand dollars set aside don’t we? Why don’t I talk woman to woman with Jeannette and try to swap houses?”

“The idea has merit. It would cost us a few thousand but we would have a bigger home and a pool. They would be the ones with the view. How will you approach the subject? You cannot just walk in there and say, ’We want to swap houses’.”

“No I plan on baking a cake and taking that over. That should get the conversation started.”

July 31, 2022 04:51

You must sign up or log in to submit a comment.


RBE | We made a writing app for you (photo) | 2023-02

We made a writing app for you

Yes, you! Write. Format. Export for ebook and print. 100% free, always.