Shadow Library

Countless tomes. Stacks of essays. And that is just what I have written and read. The pursuit of knowledge and wisdom enamored me with the love of books and reading as well as discovery. Each alchemical text, each spirituality, each esoteric lore has added to my own understanding of this world, for which I find myself avenging after more. Soon, with my father leading, the hunt for wisdom became the hunt for books. To find that one book or collection of books that would finally cinch the explanation on how to achieve near divinity on Earth.

Well, that was more my father’s goal.

For my part, I was simply engrossed in each new discovery we made, each new form of reasoning developed, and being exposed to texts and images of arcane and occult nature. I found it all very fascinating. It wasn’t long before my father and I started collaborating on research projects and rituals. His was a mixture of practicality and understanding, where at the time, my purposes were academic.

Still, it seemed I shared my father’s direction and aided in the stealing of manuscripts, artifacts, and of course books from lodges, temples, libraries, and extracting information from neophytes at these locations. It is no small secret that the best books are kept in private collection by lodge masters, temple leaders and librarians. So, the only way to gain access is to either join their collective and spend years climbing the ranks, or steal the texts. We choose to steal. And to great success.

But with each new rite, each new discovery, the main artwork was missing. That total understanding of all things that leads a person to a sense of both serene calm and great power. A tranquility of knowing that all is under your command and control and that you can achieve anything. Sadly, before we could truly embark on this portion of our quest, my father took ill and passed from this world.

His death has been hard to bear.

Yet many years later I find myself still bearing our family’s cross, navigating the ins and outs of books still after so much time.

And I do believe I’ve made a discovery.

It seems the practical approach does have merit; my father was on to something. Several texts mention preparing the ‘vessel’ to receive knowledge and wisdom, a reference to the vessel of the human mind. The texts speak to several preparations the initiate must take in order to fully be able to understand the gift of knowledge and wisdom and to use it adequately. With no hesitation I began my practical efforts in earnest, continuing my studies all the while. I began with guided meditation, yantra studies, focused breathing and yoga. Yet while I found my body and mind to be clear, I felt no grand revelation or greater understanding.

More books. More writing.

Soon the library was in sight.

It confounds me to this day how simple and elegant the solution to the problem of the acquisition of wisdom and knowledge. “The secret lies within.” A great summary of the various texts I’ve read. My more recent studies into occult tomes have revealed an ancient secret often disregarded as a New Age saying. “Look within.” To me this made sense: if the various books elucidate the individual to knowledge and understanding it remains on the individual to act on that understanding, to make choices based on the new knowledge. This would explain the need to adequately prepare the ‘vessel’ before receiving such a gift. Yet I may have found a shortcut. A more efficient way to gain the understanding my father and I sought.

I returned from the local apothecary with my purchase: a gram of herbs meant to be smoked to induce an altered state of mind. I prepared my ritual area properly, decorated with various artifacts and books that will serve as visuals to trigger the psychological manifestation I sought. Truly, I will be ‘looking within’ tonight.

I sat down at the table with my artifacts and books. I prepared the pipe, readied my flame. A spark. A light. I bear down and take a decent drag. I inhale. The smoke goes smoothly into my lungs, I hold my breath and bring my focus to bear. After a short time, I exhale the smoke out the nearby window and float in a brief moment of serenity as the effects wash over me.

In a short while, I entered the Library. The one I found was located in Hell.

Before I knew it, my vision went black, I felt as if I was lying face down on my stomach, but I could not see anything. Then I beheld, felt, saw, sensed, and wailed internally as my mind felt as if it was being skewered, crushed, and god knows what else. The pain and agony were an ever pressing reality, a sensation of being stretched to no end and all confined within the mind. That was my first dose of real terror; that this affliction was of the mind, that the mind can experience such anguish separate from the body. I thought then I had fallen into Hell. Then came the despair. A small voice hinted that the pain would pass, but made no mention of when. I felt, as I was on the mental-rack, that the pain would soon pass. Only to be met with another wave of the harshest agony. It is real what they say. There can be no true despair without hope.

I don’t remember how it stopped. It just did. And I soon found myself on the floor coughing and vomiting up an empty stomach; thankfully. Then I found myself in a hospital bed with my mom at my side. Then at a restaurant, eating some soup. Then I was home, but two days had passed.

I spent the following weeks coming to terms with what had happened.

I found myself extremely troubled by my experience. Particularly the fact that the human mind can experience such sensations in an altered state or dimension. Further, that ‘I’ was present during the event. I remember ‘myself’ being there, at that ‘location’ having that ‘experience’. And as most learned people will tell you, the human brain has an excellent memory, on top of its function to analyze and interpret experiences and environments. I was confident that if ‘I’ could not discover the mystery of that realm I found myself in, then my brain would supply a sub-conscious solution and understanding. For my part, I came to terms that my rite was a success.

I found the library.

Or at least one of them.

I nicknamed this one, Hell’s Library, since it teaches through experience rather than by the reading of a book. I could only imagine what the experience did and is doing to my neural pathways and my way of thinking. This could be the commencement of the coming of even greater knowledge and understanding. I found myself excited, but cautious.

Then the voices started.

At first they were heard like an out of tune radio. But soon full conversations could be heard as if one were walking through a busy food court. Then yet again, I began having discussions with my internal voices. We spoke on all subjects. Mathematics, Economics, Politics, Sociology, Religion, Spirituality, the Occult, Physics and Science, Engineering, Art, and so on. Each discussion was most invigorating, and I found myself surprised at how much I actually knew, and how much of my knowledge excises itself in conversation.

Then came the dreams and the visions.

The voices followed me into my dreams. I started having visions while fully awake. My dreams were of the most lucid nature, and I found myself remembering them for hours after waking. The visions were of shadowy figures walking down the street, ghostly images in the corner of my eyes, darkness creeping where none should be. A few hallucinations left profound impacts. Once during a physical trial I imposed on myself, I beheld the vision of Sophia, the personification of wisdom. Another vision, I saw a tunnel composed of singular eyes all staring at me.

Then I began to understand things. Things I had never studied. I found that I could look at a thing or problem and easily discern its solution or at least the commencement of a solution. Understanding came easy, and when it did not I found I had the wisdom to admit as much and then to seek out answers.

The world looks so different now.

I feel as if I can reach out and grasp the entire thing.

To get here, I spent my youth in Occult studies. I spent my adulthood in the throes of insanity. And visited a library in Hell.

Now, I do believe I am ready to enter the world.

Armed with infernal knowledge, arcane wisdom, hellish understanding, I stand here after my discoveries.

Is it possible? Can a single person achieve such clarity, focus, knowledge, and understanding? To achieve these things and deliver them in hand to the steps of civilization.

My father believed so.

I believe so now, after what I’ve seen.

There is much to do.