The Cake Effect

A short scream erupted from Ana’s mouth as Fi shoved her over, gasping for air in between her howling laughter. Ana’s champagne spilled from her glass on her already sticky hands. No number of wet wipes could salvage the stickiness now. 

“I cannot believe you forgot Mathew.” Fi groaned out, her free hand going to cover her already red face in remorse. 

“There was no Mathew,” Ana argued relentlessly. They had been at this conversation for at least twenty minutes already. 

Ana looked sullenly up at the shining sun that was utterly blinding. But despite the glaring sun, the garden was freezing cold, with only a few people lounging about like them. The few swans lazing on the lake, just a few feet away from them, were whistling at each other, making up 90% of the noise pollution of the garden. 

Ana picked at the picnic blanket that was covered in spilled alcohol and littered with an assortment of food. She suddenly regretted the decision to meet her childhood best friend, Serafina, for a picnic. 

Fi and Ana had gone to boarding school together in the most isolated, frozen region of Switzerland. Nearly everyone's parents there had been of a tax bracket that was a hundred times higher than her's. She was lucky to have gotten a scholarship to Fizmount Academy. But she had been reminded over and over again that she wasn’t even on the same level as the rest of the students. Hell, forget the same level, she couldn’t even see the level they were on from where she was. 

Fi had been the sole consolation and a constant source of happiness for her there. But in the ten or so years that Ana had known Serafina she had come to realise that her best friend was a rock. Not a literal one, of course. Fi was more pig-headed than anyone Ana had ever met. Ana liked to call that Fi’s fatal flaw. She was adamant to be always right.

Ana picked up her glass of bubbles and chugged it down in one go like it was a shot. She never should have broached the topic of conversation with her. One comment. One comment about how everyone lies to themselves one time or the other. And this was the consequence. 

“Oh, come on.” Drunken Fi shoved her shoulder again. “You remember. Tall, like six feet or so. Brown hair and light blue eyes.”

“That’s half the boys at Fizmount, Fi,” Ana argued. She really did not want to remember. Her memories at Fizmount were locked and shut in a container at the back of her mind for a reason. 

“You know the one with the…” Fi made two circles with her hands and clenched her fingers close together. “The large posterior.” 

Ana burst out laughing. Despite her prim and proper training as an heiress, there were certain things that Fi just couldn’t stop herself from saying. 

“The one with the derrière that was utterly glorious.” 

“Stop!” Ana was the one who was red-faced now. 

“The one with the rump that you could bounce a quarter off.” Fi could barely stop her laughter to get the words out. 

“I never understood that saying.” Ana scratched her chin in a hopeless attempt to get Fi to stop talking about it. 

“Mathew with the cake that looked seriously baked.” 

“Now, you are just making things up.”

“The one whose bootie-patootie you would ogle all day long in classes.” Ana gasped as utter embarrassment washed over her. 

“I did no such thing.” She forced herself to sound like she was an intellectual. 

Fi placed her glass down and grabbed Ana by her shoulders. Her other hand fumbled over her face, pushing her eyelids close. 

“Remember Ana.” Fi was so close that Ana could smell the garlic from the sandwiches they had devoured earlier. “It was a night of the full moon.” 

“We never had night classes, stupid.” Ana blinked attempting to open her eyes.

“Hush.” Fi pressed a finger down over Ana’s lips. “It was the day that the full moon was supposed to occur.”

Ana barely managed to hold in her groan. Fi was completely and utterly delusional. 

“We were gym class. It was volleyball season.” 

Ana’s eyebrows scrunched. Fi was right. They only ever had to take one gym class during their education at Fizmount and when Fi and Ana had taken it, the teachers had been teaching volleyball. 

“Mathew was bent over.” Fi giggled slightly, but her words got softer, almost dropping down to a whisper like she too was trying to remember what happened. “His tush popped out, and all the girls stopped, staring at that cake like they would consume it if they could.”

Ana cleared her throat in a confused sort of amusement. She remembered it vaguely. The girls were all standing still, staring in that same direction. 

But…no… it couldn’t be… 

No girl would do that, right? 

“And you were among the thousands.” Fi bent lower. Oh, dear God, she bet they almost looked like they were kissing. 

“You turned red with jealousy and stood up from the bleachers.” Fi caressed her face. Ana's eyes were snapped shut as if she was almost too afraid to face what was about to come. “Like an avenging angel, you stood up to defend Mathew.”

“You said, ‘Ay, all you little sluts’, somehow managing to incorporate a southern accent into your words.” A confused Fi voiced. “But it did the trick. Everyone stopped and stared at you like you had popped out a horn or two on your head.”

Ana whimpered. Oh, dear God. It was coming back to her now. 

“‘Stop looking at that poor man,’ you had said, still in your Southern American accent.” Ana could feel Fi shaking her head in disappointment. “‘Mathew’s caboose might be a national treasure, but it is not for you to look. Stop sexualising that man’s ass.’” 

Fi sat back, her high from the champagne all gone now as the story’s impact hit them face-on. 

Ana whimpered and then gasped. 

Again, and again, and again. 

Before she gave up, and finally fell to the ground, her face smashing into the wool of the picnic blanket. 

Fi’s hands patted her shoulder, comforting her. 

Ana remembered it. She remembered Mathew. 

Every single person in that gym had turned and looked at her like she was a lunatic. Some were laughing, others were shaking their heads in pity. 

But Mathew…he was shaking his booty to Meghan Traitor’s All About that Bass. 

Needless to say, her crush on him had instantly fizzled out as she realised that the man had no dancing moves. Not even to save his dying mother. 

“Yes, my dear Ana. Take it in. You defended a man’s rear.” Fi paused before bellowing it out into the garden. “You protected Mathew’s behind.” 

“Fi!” Ana hissed and snapped up from the blanket as all the heads of the people in the park turned to them. 

Fi shrugged as she popped open another bottle of champagne. 

“I hear he’s a gastroenterologist now.” Fi cocked an eyebrow. “He has given up on his ass and is now taking care of other asses.” Fi gulped down the alcohol. “Or well, the hole that the ass protects.”

Ana groaned and promptly fell back, screaming into the wool blanket. 

It was going to take at least another decade to forget this day and the conversation that took place.