We'll Be Fine

Jared didn’t like heights.

He lay on the wood panel floor of the tree-house, not wanting to be seated high enough to look out the windows and having a view of the drop below.

He didn’t know why he he’d climbed up here. Well, he knew why he’d climbed here; Alex hadn’t given him a choice. Climb up after him or look dumb standing at the base of a tree.

He could have just gone back home. But he really didn’t want to be alone now.

He observed the house from where he lay- the tarp curtains that Alex had tugged aside when they’d come in, the shelf laden with academic trophies, the trunk in the corner that Alex had pointed him to in case he wanted to read something.

The only thing that his mind wanted to focus on right then was how the hell he’d get back down. He could feel a headache coming on with his dread. His head spun thinking about the eventual climb down.

But he was already here. It was quiet and he liked it. The world outside was loud and confusing and terrifying and he didn’t want to deal with that. That- like getting down from the tree- was future Jared’s problem.

He’d let him figure it out.

Alex wanted the world to stop.

He lay beside Jared, staring at the ceiling and nothing.

He didn’t want there to be anything outside the four walls of the treehouse. It was dumb, but he wanted everything to just stop for a while and let him be; no overbearing parents, no college applications to stress over, no-one expecting him to do anything.

He just wanted to be present and here and himself without all the noise from outside telling him who he was and what he wanted.

He didn’t want to think about anything.

“What... what are you thinking?”

Alex huffed and shut his eyes. “Nothing.”

Jared linked his fingers and rested them on his stomach. “Okay.”

He liked Alex. Alex didn’t look at him like he was the weird kid who sat alone under a tree during lunch, even if that was how they’d met. He hadn’t laughed when a falling leaf startled him. He’d split his lunch when Jared’s had spilled on the ground.

He’d surprised Jared by showing up the next day.

They had pretty much nothing in common as far as he could tell. Alex had this nice house and even this treehouse-- Jared had gotten yelled at the one time he’d made a blanket fort. Alex’s parents were pretty nice, too.

But somehow whenever he spoke Alex looked like he understood everything.

Alex liked Jared and the quiet he brought. Jared actually listened to him. He didn’t tell Alex how to feel or what he should have said to his parents. He didn’t turn his words against him or tell him he was too young to understand things. He was just there, the way the ground is solid under your feet.

Everything went slower when he was around.

“What are you thinking?”

“N-nothing.”

Jared hated his stutter. Well, he hated when people laughed at his stutter. But Alex had never laughed at him or his stutter before- he’d never even acknowledged it. He let him fumble over his words and never got impatient with him. He didn’t even think about it when he was talking to Alex.

“Okay.”

Alex shut his eyes again. Thinking about nothing was hard.

He wasn’t bored. He just couldn’t stop his mind from coming up with things to worry about. The summer was almost over and he’d soon have to go back to seeing everyone all the time and every other person asking him where he was going to college, what his major’s going to be, who he’s going to prom with. It wasn’t even the mundaneness of it that bothered him, it was just the fact that he was expected to know.

It never came up with Jared but he felt that it was supposed to. What else did people talk about?

“What’s... wrong?”

“Huh?” He turned to look at Jared and met his eyes. Jared nodded at him.

“You’re doing it again.”

Alex frowned, not sure what Jared was talking about until Jared pulled his hand down from his mouth. “Oh.”

His mother always gave him grief for that. But he couldn’t help it. He wasn’t even sure why he did it. He only knew it was a habit from forever ago.

Alex looked back at the ceiling and closed his eyes. “Nothing.”

Jared noticed Alex biting his nails whenever he got tense. It happened a lot, especially the days when Alex came to him complaining about something. His hand went to his mouth the moment he stopped talking.

Jared didn’t mind it. But it worried him now because Alex wasn’t opening up.

Maybe this was the day he’d finally tell him he didn’t want to hang out any more. He’d always guessed it was coming, more “when” than “if”. Alex’s mom had always mentioned him applying for an Ivy League college. When she’d asked him where he was going he’d just told her he hadn’t decided yet. No way he was going anywhere that expensive. He’d probably have to take a loan out for community college.

He’d tried so hard to not think about it- when this would end. But ignoring the tide wouldn’t stop it from washing away the writing in the sand.

He sat up.

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s getting late,” he said. He could see the sun through the window; it had barely begun to set. “Frank will get mad.”

Jared never talked about his home life. Alex had never even seen his house before. A comment would come up in passing and those were the pieces that Alex had cobbled together to make a vague image of a family. He’d guessed that Frank was his brother or something. Why would he be so bothered about Jared getting back home by four in the afternoon?

Shit. How did he not know this? What kind of person didn’t know the basic things about his friend? Jared was pretty much the only person that he liked but he didn’t even know who he was. He’d been so caught up on talking about things that he thought mattered that he’d never even thought to make the basic stuff clear.

“Wait.” He grabbed Jared’s wrist before he could get up. Jared gave him a blank look. “Are you okay?”

“Doesn’t matter.” Jared pulled against Alex’s hold. Alex gripped tighter.

“Of course it matters,” Alex said. Jared turned away. “We’re friends, right?”

“Are we?”

Alex balked, his hold loosening and letting Jasper pull free.

Jasper got up and turned to the door. He’d held onto hope like a thread for so long. Better to let go than be dropped.

He looked down and drew a sharp breath. He didn’t shout- he could never get himself to. But his heart beat like a drum in his chest. His hands, braced on the doorframe, were getting sweaty. He stared at the drop and he knew he couldn’t climb down, but he couldn’t turn back either.

It felt like hanging.

“I’m sorry,” Alex said. He sat with his knees to his chest, eyes fixed on his shoes. “I haven’t been as good a friend as I can be and you’re always just there. You never complain about anything. You listen to everything and I never even consider what kind of stuff you might be going through. I know pretty much nothing about you."

“What are you talking about?”

Jared finally turned, hid brow furrowed.

Alex frowned. “Aren’t you mad at me?”

“No,” Jared said. He shook his head. “I mean, I guess. But that’s not what it’s about.” He sat back on the floor and ran his hands through his hair. “You’re going to leave.”

“What?” Alex looked up at him, could see the lines of distress on Jared’s face. “Why?”

“Because you have to. Because everyone does. You’re going to go to college far away and make more friends and we’re going to stop talking then you’ll forget me and I’m going to be alone again.”

Silence hung heavy between them.

“I think we’re having different conversations,” Alex said.

“Yeah.”

Alex lay back down while Jared drew circles on the floor with his finger.

“You really think I’d just forget you?”

“Everyone does.” Jared looked up from the floor and met Alex’s intense stare. He looked away, his face heating up. “I’ve never had anyone. You know how everyone looks at me. But you don’t- not like them. But you’re not going to be around forever and I can’t stand to think about you being gone.”

“Oh.” Alex bit on his nail. “I was worried that you thought I don’t care. I do. It’s just, you don’t talk much, and I like that about you. But I feel like after all this while I still don’t know you. You never say anything about the normal stuff and I just feel that it’s stuff I should know.”

“But you do know me, all the things that matter at least.” Jasper sighed and looked up. “I don’t like the ‘normal’ stuff about my life. I don’t like my mom’s boyfriend or that I might not go to college this year. I might be the ‘sad’ kid in school but I don’t like feeling that way, and you help me not to. Being around you is pretty much the only time when I don’t feel like I’m that person.

“And that’s the problem. When you leave I’ll go back to being sad and I hate thinking about that, but the only time I don’t think about that is when you’re here.”

“I’m here now.”

“But you won’t be in a few months.”

“Forget about a few months from now,” Alex said, his voice strained. He pushed up on his elbows. “That’s all I’ve been able to think about and I’m only able to think about it. No matter how hard we think about it we’re not going to change what happens.”

“Wow, thanks.”

“But...” He kicked at Jasper’s foot. “That shouldn’t stop us from enjoying now. I want to be your friend now. I want to hang out with you now and talk about everything.” The sky turned bright orange as the sun finally started to sink in the horizon.

Being with Jared slowed things down, but that couldn’t stop the future from coming. He had to keep moving.

“We don’t know what’s going to happen next but we can take the steps together.” He held out his hand.

Jared stared at Alex’s hand for a moment.

“I don’t think I can climb back down.”

Alex smiled. “Then that’s what we’ll do next.” He stood, still offering his hand. “I’ll do it with you.”

Jared stared for a moment longer and shook his head. A small smile tugged at his lip before he took his friends hand. Alex pulled him up.

He didn’t feel like he was hanging anymore.