The Perpetual Night

Dear Diary, it's been a long day. Work was tough, the kids impossible, and the husband a pain in the butt. Seems like everything that could've gone wrong today, did. My parents have more of a life than I do, and it's very frustrating not being able to get a hold of them when they should be at home resting. I need them and they aren't there for me. My brothers and sisters seem to have it all together in their little worlds and mine always falls apart. So much on my mind, but it's midnight and everyone is sleeping. I'm on the couch so I don't wake them up trying to figure out how to calm down enough to sleep. Warm milk hasn't helped. Maybe if I go to bed and lay still long enough..... Ah, it's useless, counting sheep didn't help either. I just want to sleep.

Day 2 Diary. Took a nap today. I never take naps. This is so weird. I've never had a problem sleeping before.... Oh well. better get on with life. When you're a mom you can't just quit because of lack of sleep. Everyone expects you to be everything for everybody. They want this, they need that. Go here, go there, get that for me, take this away, do laundry, go shopping, Mom... Honey.... Mom... Honey... Still can't find my mom.

Diary, this has to stop! Three days and I'm running on empty. Going through the motions at work, emotionless, speechless, sleepless. It's getting harder and harder to stay awake, but when I lay down my body wakes up. I'm a zombie all day and a holy terror at night. Maybe my sleep schedule is changing but I don't know why. I didn't do anything different in my daily routine but I can feel everything changing inside me. I lay down and close my eyes but then my body twitches. I'm constantly moving my legs, twisting and turning to get comfortable. It's pure will power that allows me to finally close my eyes.

Dear God Diary, help me! My eyes are burning but they won't stay shut. Drops don't work. My body is dragging. I have no energy, no life in me at all. I feel like dead weight. I can't eat now either, I don't have the energy to chew or swallow. I don't know what is happening to me. I'm getting cranky with my family. I don't want to be around them. They don't understand. This is too hard. WHERE IS MY MOTHER!!

Dear Diary, FIVE DAYS!! I can't do this anymore. It's time for an intervention. Time to go to the doctor, get a sleeping pill or something. My luck I'll get addicted to it, take too many, and never wake up. What if I have cancer or someone unknown disease? What if I'm dying already? What if I'm already dead and just don't know it yet? Maybe I won't go to the doctor yet, I'll just keep trying on my own.

Day 6. Nothing. There's nothing anyone can do. I'm invisible. No one can hear me. No one can see me. No one talks to me. I'm just a shell. I'm a woman who has lost it. No words, no actions, I have nothing left.

Diary, I swear I'm going crazy! The circles under my eyes look like dark pools of the abyss. The muscles in my body have gone lax and feel like jelly. I have no control over anything inside me. After seven days of no sleep, I am wasting away. My family has abandoned me because of my temper. I don't talk to them. I won't let them in to help me so they've gone. They can't watch me kill myself. I'm alone in my own misery of my own making. My body created a war and it is winning. Even my brain is tired. It hurts to think. The effort to move my head is astounding, yet my legs still move endlessly as I lay here.

Day 8. I can't believe I can actually still write. My whole body is on auto-pilot. I don't know who I am or why I am still here. I quit looking for my mom. No one needs me now. They have learned to fend for themselves. They have realized they can live without me. They are surviving on their own and only once in awhile come to check on me. I keep driving them away. I don't want them to see me wallowing in my own self-pity. Hey but it's a party right? Just what I need, a pity party for me, myself, and I. My only friends.

Day 11. Dear Diary, I have got to get a hold of my self. It has gone completely haywire. I'm losing days now. It's like my brain has lost the ability to control every function it ever had. The wires have crossed somewhere and are burning themselves out. I can smell the smoke but have no idea how to put out the fire. I've read about these conditions and the cure is Melatonin, or so they say. It can't be that easy. I've lost so much already and for what? Just because I wouldn't go to the doctor? They couldn't have helped me anyway. I'm too far gone in my own misery. Maybe I enjoy it. Maybe this is what my plan was all along, to drive everyone away so I could be my self, the way I want to me to be. Crappy, skin-hanging, huge, dark-circled eyes, straggly-haired me. Perfect.

Dear Diary, day 16 has come and gone. I think I had a visitor today. I think it was my brother. I could hear him, but I could only try to understand what he was telling me. It was loud. He didn't have to be so loud. It hurt my head. I may have actually cried, but I don't remember. I'm pretty sure I didn't answer him and he said he'd be back. I don't want him to come back. Just leave me alone. He hurt my brain. I think he's trying to put the wires back together, but I'm a tangled mess. He can't do it.

Diary, day 20. The fog is so thick. I'm pretty sure I'm dead. My husband checks on my every day. No kids though, and no parents. He looks sad. "I'm sorry Honey. I really didn't mean to hurt you, you just don't need me." He said my brother is coming to see me tomorrow. Why? Isn't it over?

Day 21 is the day that changed my life. My brother is here. He's saying some awful things to me. Words I never associated with me. Selfish. Self-centered. Self-absorbed. Stupid. Crazy. Neglectful. Thoughtless. Inconsiderate. Callous. Cruel. Depressed. That's all I can think about now. Am I really all those words? I thought I was just tired and unable to sleep. When did I become all those words? I haven't talked to anyone for days. I haven't asked for help or food, or anything from anyone. I'm not what he said. He's wrong!! He's mean and spiteful, jealous because I'm getting all the attention now. People are doing things for me, not him. They finally found my parents who are sure sorry they ignored my calls. My mom is crying. "Don't cry Momma, I don't want you to cry." What the heck is wrong with me? I don't want to be the person that makes a mom cry, I just wanted to sleep. Sleep. Sleep.

Dear Diary. It's the 23rd day of whatever happened to me. The fog is lifting from my brain and I can keep my legs still. My eyes aren't burning any more and I think I might even be hungry. Food sounds good. Maybe soup and a sandwich. Ah, a tall glass of water. Anything that will feel good going down.

Day 24. My family came to see me. They were smiling and crying and happy. My whole family was in the room, my parents, my siblings, my children.....

Dear Diary, I woke up today.