Just not today

You are outside on a cold July night in the foyer just looking up at the stars, it looks blurry, you know it is because of the tears in your eyes but you claim it is because the universe is blurry instead. It is his birthday today, the big old thirty, you had both planned to spend the day together without any interruptions from anyone but he is not with you, he could be a thousand miles away from you or just a stone throw away, It does not matter you don't want to see him or so you thought. You never really liked stars or felt its presence but he made you love them just like he made you love him effortlessly, you want to deny the fact that you still love him wholeheartedly but you don't, you let the tears fall freely from your eyes instead.

It was a ritual to watch the stars on his birthday every year, it did not matter that it was always cold, his warmth was more than enough for you but not for today, you had to provide warmth for yourself with the stockings and cardigan he bought for you just out of the blue. He didn't know much about stars like you did as you had studied them in school not that you were keen about it or anything, it was compulsory to. He didn't make an effort to study them, all he said was that it calmed him down when you asked why he'll rather watch the stars than throw birthday parties with friends, or watch movies or even sing at karaoke bars like you did on your own birthdays. You never understood how a component of Helium and Hydrogen could calm him down but with each passing year, looking at the stars calmed you down too and even made you happy and you hoped it will calm you down today too.

You never understood a lot of things but you knew he loved you very much, at least you could tell that much from the efforts he made to please you always, like that time he stayed up all night to paint the study white because he realized you worked better in the room because it was painted white, you didn't even know that about yourself but he noticed it and you loved him even more for that. Deep down you know if he knew this would happen he would not have done it, but still, you're angry because he would have listened to you instead.

 You have been married to him for 5 years and it had been the best 5 years of your life with each passing year better than the last, he had been so supportive even when the doctor said in the second year of your marriage that you cannot conceive unless through In Vitro fertilization, It looked impossible to ever go through it because both of you could not afford the kind of money needed for it, there was also a possibility it might not still work out, but it finally took 3 years of both of you working many jobs to save up enough money to afford IVF, You still remember the look on his face when the doctor said the process was successful, you were both happy your hard work finally paid off, and you felt very happy with each passing day your baby girl grew in your womb, suddenly nothing else mattered, not the fact that your feet had doubled in size or that every smell in the house made you want to throw up, not even the fact that you had to stay indoors locked in because of the Virus that was spreading like wildfire outside, your baby was safe and that was all that mattered. It was just 3 weeks left and you were finally going to see your baby girl, you didn't have the world but you were ready to spend everything you had on your little girl, you had both agreed her name would be Resa, a name you coined from your mother's name Theresa, you loved how weird the name would have been as no one had a name like that, you had even started calling yourself Mummy Resa and you blushed each time he called you too, each day was a blessing as your baby kicked and was so full of life ready to meet you finally.

Nevertheless going out was more important for him, he just had to go to that party even after you told him it wasn't necessary to go, he told you he had to, that he was bored in the house and needed to see people he has not seen in months, he told you he'll stay safe and not do anything reckless, you didn't push it further but you let him go after telling him if anything happens to you, he won't be forgiven. A week after the party the worst happened and you both were confirmed of having the virus, and then you lost your baby girl in the process from complications from the treatment you received, the shock from everything made you numb for weeks and you couldn't look him in the eye even after he cried his eyes out and felt bad for what he did, you only told him that you don't want to ever see him again and at least he listened to you this time, maybe if he had known these would happen he would have just stayed back with you instead of going out. Your baby would have been at least a month old today and you would have been the happiest woman on earth but here you are angry at the world and everything in it, angry that your voice mail is filled with messages of him apologizing and crying his heart out, You know you will forgive him anytime soon but for today you will just look up at the stars and keep wondering why he chose to go to a party that killed your baby girl even when he didn't like parties.