Blind Wait

“Hiya chucks! It’s that time of the day again where we play a game of “Blind Wait” in this hospital reception to entertain all of you as you wait a ridiculously long time to see a doctor.

“Remember this is only possible because of the wonderful way our National Health Service in the UK is criminally underfunded. All those lorra lorra promises of extra funding for the NHS that never happened post-Brexit, writing off billions of public money on pandemic fraudsters and purchasing billions of pounds worth of rubbish PPE!! You lucky things!

“Now you all know how “Blind Wait” works by now, we have a gorgeous doctor and three mystery patients they have to choose from. The patients have three questions to convince the doctor that they deserve to jump the queue and be seen first. So let me hand over to our Graham to introduce our dishy doctor.”

“Thanks Cilla! This is Doctor Quinn and she’s been working in this hospital for five years. Her favourite injuries are second degree burns, marbles up the nose and nails through hands and feet. In her spare time she likes nothing more than to sit at home, worry about her lack of a social life, collapse from exhaustion and sleep until her next shift!”

“Oooh you sound like a right barrel of laughs. Welcome Doctor!”

“Hi Cilla! It’s great to be here! I mean it’s not really but that’s what everyone says on these kind of shows.”

“Yes chuck I suppose it is. Nobody really wants to be here but I guess at least we’re all lucky we’re not paying for the privilege at the moment. Anyway, keep it light luv! Do you wanna meet your patients?”

“Yes please, Cilla!”

“Well they’ll be hidden behind that screen until you choose one of ‘em but for the rest of reception here are our patients!”

<lacklustre applause from the bored, trapped and unimpressed audience as the patients sit down behind the screen>

“Doctor, your patients await. Let them introduce themselves. Patient number one, what’s your name, where’d you come from and what’s your problem?”

“Hi Cilla, I’m Ted from Duddix and I’ve checked in with a head injury that I did whilst clearing the garage.”

“Oooh sounds painful chuck. Patient number two, what’s your name, where’d you come from and what’s your problem?”

“Hi Cilla, I’m Jess from Harrowld and I burnt my arm making some pasta.”

“Ooh you love a burn don’t yer Doc so might be a good match. Patient number three, what’s your name, where’d you come from and what’s your problem?”

“Hi Cilla, I’m Terry from Poomford and I’m here with my daughter Lucy who appears to have broken her arm by falling off her swing in the back garden.”

“Poor Lucy luv needs some help. Will that ‘swing’ the Doc to choose the child in need? Let’s find out… Right chuck you get to ask the patients three questions and then you have to choose which one will be seen immediately whilst the others get back in the long queue. Ready?”

“I’m ready, Cilla!”

“Okay chuck, take it away.”

“Hi patients!”

<all three patients respond in one garbled overlapping voice>

“I’m quite tired having already worked a 14 hour day so would prefer a patient with a simple injury. What makes you my perfect choice? I’ll start with patient one.”

“Well Dr, as far as I can tell my injury is only on my head so I’m sure you’ll be able to fix me up quickly once you take a look at it.”

“Okay, interesting theory. Same question to patient number 2 please.”

“Hi Doctor my arm is killing me and the water soaked towel I put over it is not helping at all.  Seeing as we have to triage ourselves at home before deciding whether to come to  A&E and given my lack of a medical degree- BBC’s Casualty is all I have to go on! Based on that I think it should be easily diagnosed and treated.”

“Lovely stuff! Not sure your TV drama diagnosis is accurate but thank you patient 2. Finally same question to patient 3.”

“Doc, me daughter’s arm is bent the wrong way. I’ve had to cover it in a blanket so she stops touching it and crying. It’s not simple to me. It’s bloody horrible and I’m hoping you can help her out as the painkillers I gave her on the way over are wearing off because we’ve been waiting so long!”

“Awww poor thing. She really needs my help. It’s so difficult Cilla!!”

“I know chuck, that’s what happens on “Blind Wait”. They all deserve to be seen in less time but without more doctors, nurses and funding you can only pick one. Now onto your second question…”

“Okay, question two is straight to the point. How serious is your problem? Describe it to me and tell me how painful it is from 1 to 10. Starting with patient 2…”

“The burn on my arm is really painful and sore Doctor. It  has started to scab over and runs down all of the inside of my forearm and ends just under the palm of my right hand. I’d say it’s a 7 for pain out of 10”

“Hmm okay same question to patient 3…”

“The pain to my ear drums were at an 8 driving over here when Lucy was crying her eyes out. She said the pain from her arm is a 10 and looking at it I have to agree with her. I’ve never seen anything like it before and I’ve played rugby all my life. Please help her Doc, she’s only 8.”

“Oh god! This is tough. Finally to patient 1…”

“Well Dr the paint pot hit me hard on the side of my head. My wife found me, wrapped this bandage round my head and drove us here. She’s been trying to find a parking space ever since. When I first got here the pain was at 10 but my head is a numb 5 now.”

“Thank you Ted. That question has really helped me.”

“So Dr Quinn they’ve given you a lorra lorra detail. Do you know who you’re going to choose yet?”

“I have an inkling Cilla”

“Oh fantastic! Well ask your third and final question so we can whizz you and the winning patient off to the Island of Diagnosis.”

“Patients, due to my constant lack of sleep I lose things all the time, keys, clothes, patients notes and friends. What is the worst thing you’ve lost and why?”

“What’s that got to do with a broken arm, Doc?”

“Terry chuck, are you a doctor?”

“No… of course not!”

“Well let the medically trained expert ask the chuffin’ question or we’ll have to replace you. Is that clear chuck?”

“Yeah…. s’pose.”

“Super! Carry on doctor!”

“Thanks Cilla. Let’s start with patient number 2.”

“Looking at my arm Doctor, the worst thing I’ve lost lately is a few layers of skin.”

“Fair enough. And to you patient number one?”

“Well Dr the worst thing I lost was my balance a few years ago. I’ve noticed it’s got even worse lately and I’m sure that’s why I fell off the step ladder in the garage.”

“Oh!? That’s a new piece of detail we didn’t know before Ted. Over to patient number 3 to answer my last question…”

“Doc, the worst thing I’ve lost lately is the last three hours waiting to be seen whilst my daughter has sat here in intense pain with no clear indication of when a doctor or nurse will be free. It’s a disgrace!”

“I hear you, Terry. I’m so sorry you feel that way but sadly the staff here are already working flat out treating an increased number of patients. I will take your points on board with my decision but really you will need to formally complain to my bosses and your local member of parliament.”

“It’s so tricky, chuck. But you can only select one patient to jump the queue and take with you as the winner of “Blind Wait”. Who is it gonna be Doctor Quinn?”

“Well it’s a tough one Cilla because they all sound like they deserve my help first and every response made it more difficult to decide…  but in my heart of hearts nothing beats a burn so I’m going with patient 2, Jess.”

“Oh that’s wonderful chuck! Before you meet and treat Jess let’s see what you’ve turned down. Remove the screens please! Here he is patient  one, Ted from Duddix! Blimey Ted that bandage on your head is not stopping the blood much.”

“I know Cilla. The numbness has stopped and the headaches are definitely getting worse!”

“Off he goes, oops someone help ‘im up! There, you hang in there, luv! And here’s the other patient you turned down, patient number three Terry and his daughter Lucy from Poomford!”

“I’m gutted Cilla. My daughter hasn’t stopped crying since we got here and I’d hoped the Doc would show sympathy but I guess that was too much to ask.”

“It really was Terry but as you know on this show no one goes away empty handed.”

“Really Cilla?”

“Yes luv you’re all winners in different ways but before I get to that let’s introduce Dr Quinn to her “Blind Wait” winner, patient number two Jess from Harrowld!”

“Oh wow the whole arm has really taken the brunt of that boiling water. Is it meant to be that colour Dr Quinn?”

“Oh yeah Cilla it will get much worse before it gets better.”

“Lovely! Well off you both go through the double doors to get to know each other and the Doc can start to help Jess with her injury! Give it up for Dr Quinn and Jess!”

<slow hand claps and small smattering of applause from the other patients waiting in reception>

“Aww don’t they look good together? Right, as promised no patient on this show goes away empty handed so this is what we’ve got lined up for the other patients. For Ted you win another four hours to wait doing your crossword book you brought with yer from home!”

“Oh Thanks Cilla! My head really hurts but I love my cryptic crosswords.”

“I bet you do, chuck! And for Terry and his lovely  daughter Lucy you win the delights of a five hour wait in the Children’s Ward watching scratched dvds of random animated movies waiting for a doctor. There’s more! Then you’ll have a further three hours at another hospital waiting for an X-ray before being told she’ll need an operation at an unknown time and date in the future. You lucky beggars!”

“What!? I knew this would happen Cilla. It’s because me and Lucy didn’t go to church this week isn’t it?”

“Erm not sure chuck. I’m just here to cheer you up whilst you wait!”

“Well you failed! Thanks a bunch Cilla and thank you God! Thanks an awful lot!” 😡