Burden

CW: Swearing, Mentions of post alcoholism

It was supposed to be a fresh start, running off to a new life. Now Varly sits alone at a bar, staring at a glass of cheap wine. Some habits die hard, she chuckles.

It was supposed to be simple now. Finally able to live a life with no responsibilities. No overbearing father. No siblings. No one to worry about but herself. Instead, Hai bumbled into her life. This ray of endless sunshine that could smother even the darkness of Varly’s mind. 

It’s infuriating. How Hai can stand being around her. How they can be okay with her rough edges. How they can sit by and still try to help. Gods forbid she’s not a burden anymore.

Burden. The word that has haunted Varly from the moment she learned what words are. A burden to her father. A burden to her sibling. A burden to Hai. Oh how she hates that word. Though it never ceases to be true. No matter how hard she tries she’s always just someone else's dead weight. 

She sighs as she swirls the full glass of wine. Gods, I can’t even enjoy drinking anymore. Damn you Hai. She sets the glass down and rubs her temple. The scraping of a stool moving breaks Varly from her thoughts. She doesn't need to look to see who decided to show up. 

“You drink any?” Hai asks, their voice full of concern. 

Varly lets them stew in silence for a moment before responding, “No.”

“Want me to take it from you?” Hai asks, with that voice that still makes Varly’s heart soar.

“Fuck off.” Varly spits, before she even processes what she’s saying. Her heart sinks when she hears Hai sigh.

“Still mad at me then?” Hai asks.

It should be a simple question. Obviously she is, right? I should be simple, but the tinge of guilt complicates matters, “I— I don’t know. Does it even matter anymore?” 

“Of course it does. If you need space I’ll give it to you.” Varly doesn't need to look up to see the expression on Hai’s face. She can hear that stupid smile. It’s infuriating. 

“Why?”

“Why, what?”

“Why the fuck do you still care?” Varly glares at Hai, finally looking them in the eye. What she sees breaks her heart. The redness in the eyes, and the telling lack of that damn smile. Fuck.

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“You’re really asking that? I don’t know, maybe it’s because I called you an overbearing bitch who’d rather deal with my problems than their own. Among various other things I can’t bother remembering.” 

“It’s been a rough week, Varly. We all know that. I shouldn’t have pushed so hard.” 

Varly can’t help but laugh, Oh they can’t be serious, “Why are you doing this? What could you possibly get out of fucking with me?” 

“Fucking with you?” Hai asks, having the gall to sound properly confused. 

“Come on, I know you can’t be doing this out of the kindness of your own heart. Surely by this point there’s gotta be something else going on.”

“Is it that hard to believe that someone genuinely cares for you?” 

“Yes Hai! Yes it is!” Varly looks back at her glass, “Who in their right mind would keep trying when I pull this shit? What do you get out of this? What do you get out of working me through my relapses? My nightmares? My abundant anger issues? What could possibly be keeping you here?” 

Hai takes a shaky breath, “I love you.”

Varly’s breath hitches for a moment. It’s not the first time they’ve said it, but it’s never felt quite so real before. This felt like a promise. All Varly can manage to say is, “What?”

“I. Love. You.” 

“Why?”

“Why does the moon rise at night? Why does the wind blow? Not everything has an answer Varly. Some things just are.”

“That’s stupid.” 

“I don’t think so.”

“What could you possibly love about me? After all the shit I’ve put you through.”

“You’re not nearly as bad as you think you are.”

“Not this shit again,” Varly sighs, “Ignoring the fact that I’m an asshole is not helping anyone.”

“Do you feel bad after you lash out?”

“I— obviously, but what does that matter?”

“Do you want to be better?”

“The fuck is this?”

“Do you want to be better?” Hai repeats. 

“Of course I do, but it’s just not going to happen.”

“You sure about that?” 

“I’m here aren’t I? Not a great look if you ask me.” Varly gestures to the bar.

“But you didn’t drink anything?”

“Yeah, and?” Varly scoffs.

“That’s progress. A month ago you would have gone on another bender.” Hai says. Varly doesn’t respond. She just stares at the full glass of wine in front of her. 

“You still haven't answered the question, Hai. What is there to love about this?” Varly asks, gesturing to herself. 

Hai grins, “Oh I have a whole list. You’re incredibly intelligent. You care far more than you let on. You go out of your way to help those less fortunate. You look adorable when you’re focused. You’re incredibly attractive in general.”

“Okay I get it!” Varly laughs, ignoring the sudden heat in her face. “So you really want this?”

“Without question.” Hai smiles.

“You’re an idiot.” Varly says as she moves closer to Hai. Their faces mere inches apart.

“Oh but you love it.” Hai smirks, “Is this the part where we—”

“Kiss and make up? Yes I think it is.” Varly chuckles before pressing her lips against Hai’s. The kiss was like nothing she’s ever felt before. It’s such a simple thing, nothing more than skin connecting with skin. Yet it lights Varly’s heart on fire. It’s stupid, she knows that. The fact that such a simple interaction can make her feel this way. She doesn't know what this feeling is but she knows she wants more. 

The realization that she still needs to breathe causes her to pull away suddenly. She gasps for breath as thousands of little insecurities bombard her all at once. They forgave you so fast, what’s their angle, this was too easy. She can feel the reflexive anger bubble to the surface again. No matter what she does it won’t stop. It’s too much. She can’t do this. 

A hand on her cheek pulls her from her spiral. She looks up to see Hai smiling at her. She should hate it. It should feel like nothing more than pity. But she doesn't hate it. Somehow this simple gesture grounds her. Quelling the thousand discordant voices in her mind. Gods, what kind of magic does Hai have? 

“You alright? Did I move too fast?” Hai asks. 

“What? I— No, of course not. I’m just not used to this.” Varly looks away from Hai.

"Hey, that's okay. We don't need to go any farther than you're comfortable with." Hai rubs Varly's cheek with their thumb.

"No. I want this. I really want this. I just— there's still a part of me that can't believe this is real. That you want this." Varly says, silently cursing the tears stinging her eyes.

"Oh Varly," Hai coos. "Come here." They say as they wrap their arms around her. Varly falls into the embrace without thinking. She tries so hard to stop the sobs from escaping. In the end the dam she's built crumbles as Hai holds her close, softly singing some foreign lullaby. They sit like that for a while, until Hai whispers, "Let's get out of here. Shall we?" 

"Good idea." Varly murmurs, suddenly remembering they're still at the bar. She should panic. Build her walls back up. Tell herself she's stupid for being so valuable. But she doesn't. She can't. Something about having Hai's arms around her stops the flood from coming.

Eventually Hai gets up. Varly almost panics at the thought of Hai leaving her. Then she feels an arm lodge itself in the crook of her knees. Suddenly she's in the air. Her heart almost explodes when she realizes what's happened. Hai's carrying her. She starts crying again. She doesn't even know why at this point. She should be happy. She is happy. Yet the tears still flow. Maybe, for once, she should let them.