Hello, Venus!

Author’s note: the word “love” doesn’t appear in this tale, but there are several instances of the letters l-o-v-e in the tale, either within a word or within a combination of two words.

The day began normally, but ended with three deaths, a minor rant, and a married couple reposing in a field of clover.

Here’s how it all happened.

                                                                           ###

Diane Gregson watched the line of actors snake through the craft services line, noting which ones ate heavily and which ones were watching their weight. She noted that the actors getting paid the most ate the least, and she wondered, not for the first time, if some sort of mathematical law could be found to explain this.

Shooting for Hello, Venus! had begun a week ago, with a smallish but decent budget and a bevy of almost-famous actors. Gary, Diane’s husband and head cook for craft services, claimed that he recognized the female lead as a model from Home Shopping Network.

“Really, that’s her. She modeled a lot of sweaters and ugly pants,” Gary said. “Some of those sweaters made her look like an over-fed plover.”

Diane punched his arm playfully. “Shut up. She might hear you.”

“She’s got those skinny legs and a large nose. A plover.”

“I don’t even know why I married you,” Diane sighed. She kissed her husband’s cheek and headed off to the back, carrying a tub full of assorted dirty flatware. Gary followed her with a tray of leftover lasagna.

“I don’t, either. A moment of madness? I bet there was alcohol involved.”

Diane smiled and wrapped her arms around her husband.

“Remember when Haley was born? You stepped right in and changed diapers, gave her baths, dressed her. Then when she got older, you took her to school, helped her with homework. And you vetted each boyfriend mercilessly. Evidence of a good man.”

“You did all that stuff, too.”

“Remember that one guy she wanted to date? He was two years older than her and you called him a cloven-hoofed Lothario. Haley took out her phone and looked up Lothario. She didn’t speak to you for a week after that.”

“The gloved hand of parental guidance.”

“Aw, you talk so pretty. Maybe that’s why I fell for you.”

“I also have a winning smile,” Gary quipped.

“Lots of guys have that,” Diane retorted.

“I cook well.”

“I taught you how to cook. You couldn’t boil water without burning it when we first met.”

“I dress casually and make it look good.”

Diane scoffed. “You dress like you lost a bet.”

Gary stood behind his wife and whispered in her ear. “So, I’m a slovenly-dressed cook who has a good vocabulary and nice teeth.”

Diane sighed contentedly. “And I still adore you, after all these years.”

“Let’s sacrifice a virgin to appease the gods. I want this relationship to last at least until you stick me in an old folks’ home.”

Diane turned to Gary, a smile flitting across her face.

“Good luck with that. This is Hollywood, baby.”

“Right. Maybe get naked and smear each other with chocolate?”

“Shut up.”

                                                         ###

“He’s not dying right,” Scooter Banes said. He jumped up from his director’s chair and approached the stage. After a few moments of gesticulating, he returned to his chair.

“We shouldn’t be out here,” Gary said, though they were on the fringes of the rehearsal area.

“Nobody cares.”

Gary and Diane watched as the scene was being rehearsed again.

“What do you think?” Diane whispered her question.

“He doesn’t die well. He flops like a Jello-veined marionette.” Diane grinned at her husband’s assessment of the actor’s portrayal of dying.

“I think Scooter’s gonna pop a blood vessel. Hello, Venus! may kill him.”

Gary leaned over and whispered even lower than before. “He’s banging Madison.”

Diane looked up at Gary, her eyes wide and unblinking. “How do you know this?”

“Caught ‘em doing it in the prop room.”

“Ughh! He’s old enough to be her dad,” Diane said, shaking her head.

“He was very active. He may be old, but he has Punchinello verve.”

Diane laughed loud enough to receive several stares from the actors. The couple had the good sense to leave.

The kitchen area was empty, save for dirty dishes and discarded plastic containers. Gary rolled up his sleeves and started washing dishes while Diane cut up more fruit and vegetables.

“I don’t even know what that means, but it’s funny,” Diane said.

“It means he’s a fat bastard, but he goes to it like he’s a piston on a speeding train.”

“Gary! How long did you watch?”

“About thirty seconds. Does that make me a voyeur?”

Diane tapped her chin gently a few times.

“Nah. Out here in the land of the lotus eaters, that make’s you an interested observer.”

                                                            ###

The actor died a total of three times, none of the deaths acceptable to Scooter. The actor was fired, and the rehearsals resumed with a new scene. Madison, the female lead, was to be seduced by the younger man.

“I’m not wearing this,” Madison said, flinging down the dress that she was supposed to wear.”

Scooter and the rest of the crew looked at her. Most were immune to an actor’s outburst and quickly returned to their respective tasks.

“What’s wrong with it? I picked it out myself, Mads. Shows off your body,” Scooter said, leaning back in his chair.

“My body? Oh yeah, my body! You can see my nipp -”

“And they’re lovely. Besides, you can barely see them. You have to look really close.”

Madison approached Scooter and stood in front of him, hands on hips, eyes blazing.

“Look, you pudgy bastard, I’ve done national commercials. I’ve been in successful plays. And now you want to show off my – my -”

“Love buttons, yes. What’s the big deal?”

“Listen to me and listen to me good! I’m not banging you for fun, buster. I’m spreading my legs for you so that you’ll give me more lines. Now, you either change the dress or be prepared to have your balls in a vice! I’m a respected actor and you’ll stop treating me like I’m some piece of meat on camera.”

Scooter stared at Madison for a few seconds before nodding curtly. Madison stomped off the set. Scooter ambled off the set. They would meet in the prop room to find a new dress for Madison.

A resounding slap was heard in the rehearsal room. Madison and Scooter emerged from the room, one with a new dress and another with a red welt on the cheek.

“Everyone, take a hard fifteen. We’ll be working on the seduction scene again. Let’s get it right, people! Time is money!” Scooter slunk off to parts unknown and Madison hit the crafts table.

She was in need of empty calories.

                                                                ###

Gary and Diane stood behind the serving table, watching the actors fill up plates. Madison, still fuming, came through last.

“Got any Milk Duds?”

Diane and Gary shook their heads.

“Snickers?”

More shaking of the heads. “But we have some chocolate-covered raisins,” Gary said.

Madison snatched up a bowl and filled it with the chocolate-covered raisins and sauntered away. Then she stopped and came back to the crafts table, staring at Gary.

“And don’t you ever call me an over-fed plover again!”

Gary nodded.

“You are a perfect plover, ma’am. I was mistaken”

“Blow me!”

Gary looked at Diane and frowned.

“Did she just command me to -”

“Yes, dear. Yes she did.”

Gary thought about this for a moment.

“Is that even possible?”

“I told you to not say stuff like that so loud.”

Gary sighed and started clearing away the crafts table. The day was almost done, and they had to prepare food for tomorrow.

“She has supernatural hearing, Di. I swear she could hear an ant fart.”

Diane followed Gary into the kitchen, putting away leftover food while Gary finished clearing the crafts table. The couple remained silent, but it was a comfortable, peaceful silence. The occasional touch to the shoulder and the soft smiles screamed their devotion to each other.

“How long have we been together?” Dian broke the silence.

“Hmm. Twenty seven years? Give or take.”

Diane nodded and took her husband’s hand.

“Wanna give it another couple of decades? Just to be sure?”

Gary kissed his wife. “Sure. We’ll re-evaluate on out fiftieth wedding anniversary.”

Diane kissed Gary’s shoulder. “Deal. Now, sweep the floor.”

“What are you gonna do?”

Diane smiled. “Supervise.”

                                                         ###

Everyone else had gone home, or wherever Hollywood types go. The rehearsal stage was dimly lit, and scenery for tomorrow’s rehearsals was already set out. A field of clover dominated the stage.

Diane and Gary looked at each other and nodded. They went up to the stage and sat down among the fake greenery, looking around.

“We had sex seventy-seven times last year,” Diane said. She snuggled against Gary’s shoulder, enjoying the feeling of being with her best friend.

“Uh, you keep track of that?”

“Yes. Well, I didn’t start until Haley was born. My body never fully recovered from that, so I wanted to find out if you still found me bed-worthy. By the way, our daughter thinks we’re the weirdest couple ever. She means it as a compliment.”

“Please tell me you don’t rate each sexual encounter.”

Diane burrowed deeper into Gary’s shoulder.

“No. They’ve all been good. You take your time and let things happen.”

“Maybe I’m just lazy,” Gary said.

“Works for me.”

“Do you think this is the right place to discuss this?”

Diane looked around at the set. “In the middle of a field of fake clover? Absolutely!”

Gary laughed, moving Diane away from his shoulder and facing her. “Wanna do it here?”

Diane shook her head. “Idiot!”

“And you’re the proud owner of said idiot.”

“This isn’t a solo venture, sweetie. I like to think that part of your idiocy is due to me.”

“I like to think of myself as the kind of man you’d love in any time, in any place.”

“Sure, Gary. Tupelo. Venice. The Horsehead Nebula. Middle Ages. The future.”

“The future.”

Both nodded at the implications.

“We’re getting older, sweetie. I won’t be popping out any more kids, of course, but my skin has wrinkles and my waistline refuses to get smaller.”

“My hair will thin and my muscles will deteriorate.”

“I’m getting uglier by the day, Gary.”

“Yes,” he said, putting his arm around her, “but I’m smitten. All I can see is the beautiful woman I married. Her kindness. Her humor. That smile that never fails to bewitch me. The woman who knows all my faults but still adores me. Forget what you think you look like, my dear. Take it from a man for all seasons, you’re a knockout, and always will be.”

Diane lowered her head, snatching at a stray tear.

“Shut up.”

“Ok, but I still say we should do it here.”