My first party in a long time

The infection rates finally went down and with them the restrictions. Thus, my friend dragged me out of the comfort of my own room. “Alex is throwing a party tomorrow night. 8PM. I told them you’re gonna come,” Taylor texted knowing full well that I’m in no way a party person. Small gatherings with a few close friends are okay, but being invited to a full-blown party with several strangers just sounds like a big nightmare. Normally I’d just tell Taylor that I wouldn’t go – full stop. But I can’t bring myself to do so; Taylor has been rambling on and on during quarantine about how bad they wanted to go to a party and now that they’ve finally got an invitation, I can’t just decline, can I?

As I received their message my stomach dropped, instantly. I was already imagining the different scenarios in my head about what an uproar I would cause, if I declined and left Taylor all alone at that party. They’re such a naïve and impulsive person and a few drinks down the line won’t exactly change their diehard attitude. So, the least I can do is to join them, but I swear to god: I’ll get back at them for that. Plus, I couldn’t forgive myself, if some strangers straight up drugged Taylor. They just need to be more careful. I guess that’s part of being a good friend; being there for each other and sometimes feeling somewhat responsible for their safety. “Sure thing. I’ll be there. Are you gonna pick me up at 7:30 then?” I texted back with that bitter taste in my mouth.

My stomach’s been rumbling ever since I received their message, so I thought I might make myself some tea to sleep tightly through the night. Peppermint it was. I poured the boiling water on the dry teabag which released the calming minty aroma into the air and my nostrils. I took a big sip despite its hot temperature and immediately my pulse started calming down. The warmth the tea emitted inside of my body really made me feel more at ease. I went back upstairs into my room with my favorite mug and sat down onto my bed. I lowered the shades, flicking on the light and let my bed embrace me with its soft covers.

It might be best to get some kind of distraction for tomorrow. After all I don’t wanna look like some kind of zombie with those dark circles under my eyes. I grabbed the book on my nightstand, opened to the page I let off last time and started to read. The letters weren’t as easily readable as the last time I read; they seemed to dodge my every look, some of them even frowning at me in the corners of my eyes. They ran about making all of the phrases that were there just a second ago seem like nonsense now. I forced myself to keep on reading trying to decipher the words and phrases from before until I ponderously reached the bottom of the page. In one motion I grabbed my bookmark and smashed it into my book’s spine forcing it to close on its own.

 My longed-for distraction didn’t seem to work the way I wanted it to. Sometimes the letters still tried creeping me out in the corners of my eyes. They pinned me down with their piercing looks and I felt like this is what the party’s gonna feel like. Being surrounded by a bunch of strange faces that ram their looks into me as if they were spears. Some tears formed around my eyes rendering my peripheral vision pointless. I guess I’ll download some of those stupid mobile games I always see in those annoying ads. They might take up quite some storage, but they’re good if you wanna stay distracted from stuff like evil letters. I could even play those games at the party. It might only be half as bad, if my mind is filled with those exaggerated characters instead of being filled with thoughts of strangers that are eating away at my brain. After I opened the game exactly that happened: my mind finally went blank; none of those creepy letters and suffocating thoughts remained. The pleasing and colorful design of the game put me under its spell and once the deafening screeching of my neighbor’s power drill woke me up, I realized just how bad of a spell it must have been. As I opened my eyes I found my face making out with my phone. That damn game really did it this time. You were supposed to help me fall asleep and not fall into an eternal pit of cozy blankets and pillows. My bottled-up sleep deprivation from those last weeks got really taken advantage of by that damn game. As I looked around my room bright light shone through the tiny slits of my shades projecting little roads of light onto my fitted carpet.

I decided to get up, open my windows and take a look on the clock. As my eyes saw the pointy numbers on my alarm clock’s display, dark-gray thunderclouds began numbing my mind; my heart sank. It’s already half past two! All the effort of getting the perfect amount of sleep seemed to be good for nothing. I overslept, more than I should have and despite the amount of sleep I had, I still cannot get this numbing sensation out of my head. It’s as if evil invisible demons tried pulling my eyelids back down while I would be completely incapable of stopping them. My limbs felt sore and my eyes were red because of that damn game. I froze in place.

Suddenly, my heart pounded again; hefty throbs pushing into every last crevasse of my bloodstream. With half-opened eyes I headed to the bathroom brushing my teeth and washing my face. The mirror frowned at me with the same evil smiles that had haunted me the night before. I really did look half-dead with big bags under my eyes and greasy hair. My smile tried to hide the yellow teeth I forgot to brush yesterday and an uncomfortable stench of cold sweat still lingered in and around my damp clothes. Like this the party’s gonna be a total disaster. Alex and I were in the same biology class and I couldn’t imagine how they were gonna react, if they saw me like this… Alex, their friends and I weren’t always on the best terms, so I was pretty surprised that they even let me go to their party. I guess it must have been Taylor who persuaded them. But still, I cannot picture how I could ruin their party just by being there. I changed quite a lot from when we last saw each other and the worst thing would be, if they made fun of me like they sometimes used to in middle school.

I stripped out of my clothes and entered the shower. This was probably the best distraction I could use right now. It’s only for a few hours and it can’t be that bad. I switched the shower on and let it run for a few minutes. Once inside drops of cleanliness and aromatic shampoo kissed my grungy skin. I felt save and relaxed for the first time since my last shower. Massaging my scalp, I shed tiny tears of relief that mixed with the water and ran down the drain. The instant I stepped out of my dream cell, a little plop notified me that Taylor had just sent a new message. I quickly dried myself off and rushed to my phone. “How’s it going? Are you already excited for the party?” they asked happily. My wrinkled fingers still had some problems adjusting themselves to the virtual keyboard. “Yeah, everything’s alright. I’m getting ready,” I said, simultaneously thinking that I shouldn’t make them worry too much about my nightmares and my trouble falling asleep. “That’s good to hear! Do you still wanna come? I know that parties usually aren’t your thing,” they typed. “Yes, yes. Of course, I wanna come. I couldn’t let you have all the fun without me, right?” I tried to convince them. They sent a smiling emoji, then their status changed to “offline”. I put the phone away and sighed. Unfortunately, the good my shower did was only momentary. As I laid in my bed, the thunderclouds began to wrap themselves around me leaving me no choice but to give in.

Well what am I gonna do at that party once we arrive? The greeting would be only half as awkward, if Alex and I didn’t have such a complicated history. I guess I’ll just say “hello” or something like that. Though I’m afraid my voice’ll break or no sound would come out at all. When I see them sitting and dancing there, piercing through my body with their dark stares, I cannot even imagine what a hell it must be if they see me opening my mouth and nothing comes out. I would simply pass away. Realistically seen, I’d probably go to the bathroom with shame being written all over my face. The worse thing is that I cannot even wash my negativity away with alcohol because I have to keep an eye out for Taylor. The first thing they might do, is to probably grab a beer or two and start chugging. They’re so idiotic and carefree sometimes. I might just stand around trying to avoid those strange new stares. Maybe I’ll even have fun with Taylor – who knows? But to be bitterly honest, I don’t think it’ll be that easy to keep those thunderclouds away. When I get nervous, I usually head to the bathroom a good amount of times. They must think I’m already drunk before I have started drinking at all. I’d throw up repeatedly in some hazardous toilet and before I know it, I’ll be passed out.

Suddenly a car horn ripped me from those thoughts. My body flinched and my pulse rose even higher than before. I looked out the window and saw Taylor sitting in the car waving at me with a bright smile. They’re already here! As I came to that realization, I dashed to my trusty alarm clock. “7:33”. I rushed to the hallway, grabbed my shoes, my jacket and my phone. Holding one shoe next to my face I signaled to Taylor that I’m ready in a few minutes. They laughed a little when they saw that, but tried to hide their smile with one hand. Little droplets of sweat glazed my hands and made it difficult to put on my leather boots. Great. As I looked into the corridor mirror, I realized that even my outfit had been targeted and little rings of cold sweat outlined my armpits. I shook my deep-red head and gave a last look to my phone before entering the door. A black screen greeted my eyes reflecting my exhausted appearance right back at me. It died. Dammit. I forgot to charge it last night because of that dumb game.

I heard a knock at the door and then Taylor’s voice: “Are you coming?”