The Abridged Journal of a New Father

4/13/2002

Today, I turned 34 and found out I’m going to be a father!  We had a party, nothing major, close friends and family. It’s all died down now, so I thought I would get some thoughts down in this thing while they’re fresh.  I sorta suspected Holly was up to something when she announced we were going to open gifts. I objected, of course I objected. Who wants to watch an old man like me open unwrap gifts.  Children do that.  

Anyway, she sits me down in the “Chair of Honor” and I open gifts.  Socks from my father, ever the practical man. Every year! He’ll point and shake his finger and say, “You can never have enough socks!”  Sarah gave me Martini glasses. She is the only person Holly and I know that will only drink Martinis, I guess she doesn’t care for our stemware.  That bitch. Didn’t get anything from Ryan, which is fine. He still hasn’t got his life together. Every time I see him, he’s got a different girl.  Honestly, I've stopped bothering to learn their names. Yada Yada yada, when all the gifts were opened, Holly came over, sat in my lap, which she knows I like, and told me to open her gift.  

It was very obviously a book, and although I enjoy a good read, I had to hide my disappointment.  I mean, after 8 years of marriage, and 12 years together she got me a book. One book. Then I figured, maybe she got me something a little more private, for later.  So, I opened it, and it's this journal. I feigned excitement, and thanked her, and she rolled her eyes and with a devilish grin said, “Just open it!” So I did. Inside was a folded piece of paper, which I unfolded and it was an official medical document with a positive pregnancy test.  I’m going to be a dad.  

4/15/2002

I went to the bank today and opened a savings account for my kid.  Holly and my parents both chipped in, and we have a great start to a college fund for the little tyke.  Sure, it’s probably a bit early to start a college fund, but I want my kid to have every chance to succeed in life.  Holly and I are both working, and making good money, but who knows what’s in our future, it's better to start saving while we are able.  I figure, if we put a little aside every month, by the time our child is ready for college, there should be plenty to pay for college, maybe even a little extra.  

4/20/2002

Holly and I went to Borders today and perused the new parent section.  There are so many books on how to be a parent! We bought 10 of them. Holly also bought 5 of those Harry Potter books.  We saw the movie last year, and there is allegedly another one coming out in November and she needs to read the series before we see the next movie.  She is going to be so very big then.  

4/27/2002

Fuck.  I’ve been reading those stupid parenting books and the joy and excitement of being a parent has been replaced with sheer dread.  I don’t know how to be a parent. I don’t want to lose sleep. I like sleep! Ugh, and everything these books describes about what happens to the mother’s body during this whole process, it truely sounds like torture.  I have to call my mom and apologize. How do people do this more than once? I think Holly had the same reaction, when I went to find her, she was talking to her mom, getting comforted. She always goes to her mother for guidance, and Holly’s mom can really dish some good advice.  Hell, it's half the reason I married Holly.  

5/12/2002

Holly had a rough day.  She has been sick on and off for a large chunk of the day.  Honestly, this has been the first real difficulty with the pregnancy.  At least from what she’s told me. Just a few minor cravings, no hormonal mood swings I’ve noticed.  I thought this was going to be the easiest pregnancy ever. I brought her fluids and Saltines, asked her if she wanted anything, did my best to be the doting husband.  She, I don’t know how to best put this, was not thrilled at my attempts to help. I might even say she was cross with me. Hopefully she’ll be better tomorrow. She has an ultrasound, and we might even hear the heartbeat!

5/13/2002

I heard the heartbeat today, and wouldn’t you know, there were 2 heart beats.  We are gonna have twins. I’m not sure how I feel about this. Holly was feeling better today, but very tired.  Not much sleep last night. I don’t think she was awake enough to process the news of twins. She took a nap, while I did some work from home.  A few hours later, she came into the office, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes and asked me if the twins thing was a dream or if it was real.  

6/14/2002

Holly and I had a fight yesterday.  Certain smells are bothering her, and something in the fridge was making her gag.  Naturally it was my fault. After a few rounds of bringing up all of my shortcomings, she cried and apologised.  I don’t blame her, and I know she didn’t really mean any of the very hurtful things she said. I immediately forgave her, and we went through everything in the fridge to find the culprit.  

7/8/2002

Tomorrow we go for an ultrasound, and might find out the genders.  Holly isn’t sure if we should find out. I’m kinda on the fence. I just don’t want it to be a surprise the day of.  

7/9/2002

According to the doctor, everything is good.  Everything is healthy, the babies are due on the 3rd of December.  We had him write down the genders and seal it in an envelope. We put the envelope on my office bookshelf, and stared at it for a couple minutes before I told her we should get some work in.  I didn’t get much work done. I’d do a little typing, look over at the envelope, do a little typing, look over at the envelope. It wanted to be opened. But, not even an hour later, Holly stormed into the office yelling, “I DON’T WANNA HAVE TWO BOYS! IF ITS TWO BOYS, I WILL THROW MYSELF DOWN THE STAIRS!”  She then grabbed the envelope and ripped it open with more vigor than I have even seen out of her. I was a little scared, but it also kinda worked for me. She read it, said, “huh”, came and sat on my lap, and showed me. We are going to have a boy and a girl.

8/10/2002

Checkup today, everything is going great with the pregnancy.  Other than the couple odd days of not feeling great, the doctor is amazed at how easy everything has been for Holly.  I have been a little under the weather, which Holly brought up to the doctor, who asked my symptoms. After hearing them, she told me to go get a check up, and tell my doctor.  It might be my imagination, but I could have sworn she looked a bit worried for the briefest second. I’m sure its nothing, but I’ve got 2 kids on the way, I’ll see if I can’t get in to see my doctor next week.

8/16/2002

Got in to see Doctor Collins physical today.  He is always very talkative throughout the exam.  Asking about the babies, how Holly is doing, etc. He seemed genuinely thrilled at how well Holly's pregnancy was going.   He looked over my chart and asked if I was having any troubles, and I told him about my symptoms I just couldn’t shake. Shortness of breath, a bit of fatigue, how I figured it was a mild flu I just couldn’t shake.  He wanted to do some more tests, just to be on the safe side, with 2 kids on the way. Should hear back Monday.

8/19/2002

I might have cancer.  Doc Collins called me this morning and wanted me to come in.  Never a good sign, right? He showed me the tests, and my T cell count was off the charts.  He walked me over to his golf buddy in Oncology, and kept telling me how good the guy was. “Don’t you worry,” he told me, “Dr. Crumb is the best you could ask for.  He’ll take good care of you!” Dr. Collins walked a couple floors up and right into an office with wood paneling everywhere, lots of books. Dr. Collins even stuck around while Dr. Crumb went through tests he wanted to run, figure out where the cancer is.  Probably in the lungs. Dr. Collins stuck around and occasionally dumbed things down for me to understand their little doctor speak. I’ll have to go back in tomorrow to be poked and prodded and by the end of the week, we’ll know what kind of cancer is trying to keep me from my kids.  Crumb seems like a good guy, seems like he knows what he’s doing. Should I tell Holly? How? When? She asked how it went today, and I just told her I was going back in for more tests tomorrow.  

8/23/2002

Holly and I met at a back to school party on this day 13 years ago. I was a sophomore, and it was her first year.  Even though I was pretty drunk, I still remember it like it was yesterday. Somehow we got to talking, about the future, the past, politics, religion, and society as a whole.  There were points we argued, and points we conceded, and although we had some very different views on some things, we agreed on more. We challenged each other, we drank, we argued, and we laughed.  Before we knew it, we were the last ones at the party, and the sun was coming up. I walked her back to her dorm, and at some point along that walk, she grabbed my hand and held it, and for a second, I didn’t ever want her to let go.  I had a cigarette, and she told me they would kill me one day, and I should quit. I never smoked another. She gave me a kiss on the cheek outside her dorm and went inside. As the door closed, I realized I didn’t get her room number, or any way to reach her.  It was months before I saw her again, but we picked up as if it was the next day. Every year since, we celebrate the day we met. We are going out for a fancy dinner tonight, and I have to tell her she was right all those years ago, smoking was going to kill me.  I have very aggressive small cell lung cancer that has already spread outside the lungs. Dr. Crumb said I have less than a twenty percent chance I’ll live long enough to meet my kids.