A Late Confession

As he left, only the two of us remained by the fire, lighting up the nearby wooded area which was dark and peaceful otherwise. There were sounds of birds cracking nearby twigs, and the roaring of the hissed, but other than that there was silence in the forest. The wind was calm, and seemed to caress my face rather than attack it. We sat opposite each other, perched on a couple of tree logs, however I was comfortable, yet tired. She had changed for the evening, wearing the impractical combination of a thick, furry coat along with a summer dress that only just went past her kneecaps, leaving legs which shone in the light from the fire.

She looked up, unmoved at the prospect of remaining with me, yet it still did not change my paranoid assumption that anyone forced to spend time with me would bolt at the first opportunity. We had hardly spoken since the start of the weekend, when we had left with the other two on our time away. I had hoped that going for daily walks in the woods would present me the opportunity to talk to her one-on-one, but Fergus had other ideas. Not that I could blame him, it was obvious he had eyes for Sophie the second they had met, and knowing my friend, she returned the compliment by flirting with him all day. That had been two months ago, and while Fergus had been around far more than I expected, he was always seen as an extension of the group, rather than a potential romantic interest for Soph.

But with him in bed, me and Sophie remained at the fire, sitting there silently, almost awkwardly. I had known her for years, but our friendship had always been off-and-on, always on the border of something more – I could never tell who the one stopping it was.

“Did you notice something about the other two today?” she asked, with a typical smug smile that suggested something mischievous. She was tired, not drunk, although that sometimes made her even more open.

I paused. “No, why?” I sensed she would have said the same thing regardless of my input.

“Nothing” she smiled, playfully, prompting the need for further questioning. I wasn’t in the mood for gossip, but I wasn’t ready to tell her the truth yet.

“Tell me. I’m not that bothered anyway” I shrugged. I was expecting a monologue.

“Well Sasha had always said that she finds Ferg a bit odd” she started, “but today he was saying some strange stuff”

“Like what?”

“Apparently he mentioned something about having something for peoples’ mothers” she giggled, almost embarrassing herself like a teenager. I was relieved, however, I thought this would have something to do with Fergus declaring his love for either of the two girls’, “I couldn’t imagine being interesting in people twice my age, couldn’t you?” she asked, smiling like a child again.

“Depends on the person I guess” I replied, playing along. I realised that now was the best time to finally talk to Soph about it. “Look, I need to talk to you about something” I began, only to be interrupted before I could properly begin.

“You love me.” She shot back, to my surprise. It certainly took me off guard. The girl was confident, for sure, but I was one of her best friends, not that it stopped her being so blunt. The fire kept blazing but the air felt cool all of a sudden, my body shivering in the breeze.

“That’s not what I was going to – “

 She interrupted again. “It’s fine. I don’t mind. I think its sweet”

Sweet? What does that mean? “Well hang on a second”

“Honestly, I understand. I’ve known for a while. It happens with lots of boys, but they aren’t nice to me like you are. I’m happy to have you as a friend.” She continued, more oblivious with every word she said. “I like you, but not like that” she hugged me, before I took her hands and sat her down again, putting a cup of coffee in her hand and making her drink, I could tell she was getting cold as well.

“Soph, listen to me. It’s not that” I tried again, but she was insistent, like an arrogant detective.

“I’m not stupid, mate. Long walks in the dark? Deep chats at night? I should have said something sooner, but I didn’t want to hurt you like the others.”

The others? “Stop!” I interjected once more. I was on the verge of shouting, but there was no point.

“I don’t think I like boys anyway. At least not the ones I’ve come across. You’re all so … needy. You get so attached, it’s crazy. I thought girls were bad but I’ve never had them message me multiple times in a day when I don’t reply.”

“You’re not listening to me”

“And then there’s Fergus. Bless him. Truth is I don’t think I’ve don’t think I’ve felt the same about him since we did it a few weeks ago.”

Wait, what? Maybe she was drunk. She drank again from her coffee cup, perhaps it was the caffeine rush.

“I’m not trying to make you jealous; I prefer you anyway.” She was beginning to make me angry now. I had only seen her like this before, she seemed upset. “I’m sorry, I should have said something sooner”. She was beginning to repeat herself. “I think I might have liked Fergus for a bit, and I thought he might have liked Sasha, which wouldn’t have surprised me because Sasha had always gone for guys that I liked, and I had no idea what they had been doing and I began to doubt myself –”

“Fergus is dead.”

“What?” She was startled, but there was a tear in her eye.

“I killed him. I killed Sasha. I’m sorry.” I didn’t feel emotional, only feeling the coolness of the night’s breeze. “I hacked her to death about two hours ago. She’s in the woods somewhere”. Sophie began to freeze as she realised she hadn’t seen her friend in hours.

“B-but what about Ferg?” she asked, beginning to sound scared, yet slightly unconvinced.

“I poisoned him before he went to bed. He would have died about five minutes ago. She got up to leave, but I placed my hand on her arm and suggested she should stay still.

“Is this about me and you? Is this about Fergus? What is wrong with you?” she asked, choking up at the end of each question.

“No.”

“No, then why, you psychopath? What the hell is wrong with you?” she asked again.

“I don’t know.” I genuinely didn’t. The coolness in my body was replaced with a nervous energy, a butterfly-like sensation. I showed her the photos of Sasha’s remains, all evenly cut from head to toe. Soph cried out helplessly for Fergus.

“I’m sorry” I started, but she pushed me away in terror. She wanted to get away from me, only to realise the drink she had finished minutes ago. She opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out, she was in shock. She fell to her knees, but the poison hadn’t hit her yet. I sat her down beside me, and whispered in her ear.

“I never liked you. Not like that.” She looked up at me, with fear in her dark blue eyes, but all she could do was stare. I felt her die in my arms, I felt the life leave her body, and I was left holding a body. It was similar to the dead weight of a sleeping person, but there was no pulse, no bump for the breathing.

The truth is I had liked her, at one point. She was kind to me, although this led to her downfall. All this time she thought I liked her like the other guys did, but I liked her because she was an interesting human to watch. So full of life, good at everything I wanted to be. I didn’t wish to be with her, I wish I were her. I wanted to have her good looks, her personality, her connections. She was part of society, I was simply looking in. She felt joy at the pleasures of life, while I enjoyed the darkest side to it. She would have known had she asked me about it.

I realise that I am a bad person. I’m not asking for forgiveness. I wouldn’t change anything. friends were not my thing anyway. I wanted the same thing everyone else had, the buzz of being alive. I never possessed that, not until now, I felt powerful for once.

And then it was gone, and I was alone again. I felt uneasy with only the wind and the crackling of the fire for company now. There were the distant calls of the early birds, and the creeping light of the morning sun, but everything else was at peace. I lifted the body and placed it on the remains of the fire. Her hair seemed to fall away as she caught alight, her body decomposing into the embers. I walked away, realising it would soon be the end of my irregular life too.