Apocalypse Pizza

[Contains strong language]

So, newbie, you’ve made it to the end of the world. Congratulations! And welcome to the other side of history! The bombs may have dropped, but there’s still work to do and bills to pay. Some things never change.

Another thing that hasn’t changed is pretty simple: People are hungry, they need to eat, and they love pizza. That’s where you and I come in.

I’ve been a pizza delivery guy since before the bombs dropped, when cars were ubiquitous and people could place an order on their smart phones and have it delivered in under an hour. Things are not so convenient these days. But, as the saying goes, you either adapt or you die—and I’m sure you haven’t made it this far just to kick the bucket.

As someone who’s been doing this job since before the Great Calamity, I’ve compiled a nine-point guide for surviving the realm of pizza delivery in a world gone mad. I can’t write down everything you’ll need to know; some things you just have to figure out for yourself. Still, I hope this information serves you well, and it helps you live to see better tomorrows.

1. First things first: Keep in mind that, in our country, the production and distribution of pizza ingredients is banned due to severely limited resources. Which means you’re entering into an illegal operation that can get you a lifelong prison sentence. Things aren’t like they used to be; people like you and me can be executed for siphoning off the government’s imports. So, take extra care to conceal your customer’s product and your identity, unless you want to be worm food.

2. You won’t get rich doing this job. The pay is a barter system; you work so you can eat. Mostly, you’ll be relying on tips from customers, usually in the form of canned goods, and sometimes—if you’re lucky—money. Not every customer will tip you, but don’t get discouraged. The rich ones will be looking for hard workers to carry out the tasks they take for granted—things like grocery shopping, yard work, and scaring off bad guys who get too close to their fence lines. Hell, I once got a gig from a Senator who hired me to stay up all night protecting his house by picking off trespassers with my rifle. Easy stuff. Pizza delivery is a fine job, but it’s also an opening to bigger opportunities that’ll get you paid. You just have to be patient and take whatever comes your way.

3. You’ll want to invest in a gas mask, and even a HAZMAT suit if you can. There’s a lot of toxic shit floating around in the air, especially if you find yourself in the Dead Lands, and you’ll need something to protect yourself from getting radiation poisoning. Most employers aren’t going to provide safety equipment for you, so it’s on you to find what you need before you start your first shift.

4. Cars are your fastest means of delivery. If you have one, you’re welcome to use it—but exercise caution if you do. Most folks don’t have a vehicle, and they’ll beat you to death for parts, even in the Safe Zones. Sure, a car will get you to the customer’s house faster, but you’ll have to weigh the pros and cons of taking it out in public. If you do, I recommend fortifying your ride Mad Max-style. I’m talking steel spikes, barbed wire, and machine guns if you can find them. If cars are out of the question, ride a bike. Most people won’t bother you if you take the back roads. Though, for your safety, you ought to invest in a pistol, a baton, and a knife, and it wouldn’t hurt to learn self-defense combat techniques if all else fails. Always be prepared for when—not if, but when—shit hits the fan.

5. Pizza isn’t cheap like it used to be. It costs a lot of money to buy off the guards who funnel the contraband our way, and we pass the price onto customers. They’re paying top dollar for the best product available, and since money is scarce, they don’t want to pay for garbage. Go with a trusted name in your local Safe Zone, and be wary of moles. Yes, there are people who have infiltrated pizza shops as a sting operation and busted the head honchos, so watch your back. You’ve been warned.

6. Make a good impression on your customers. Yeah, you’ll be walking through muck and swamplands to get them their order, but take the time to dust off your uniform and shine your shoes before you even think about ringing their doorbell. People want to know you’re serious business, and if you give off any hint of insincerity, they’ll stop buying from you and you’ll be out of a job. Make them feel like their money is well-spent and there’s a good chance you’ll get a hefty tip.

7. Back to the topic of the Dead Lands for a moment. Chances are you’ll have to traverse these patches of hell more often than you want to. I suggest getting your hands on a sealed bag or canister in which to store and protect the merchandise. A customer eating contaminated food is bad for business, but it’s also bad for you. If your employer gets even a whiff of incompetence on your part, you can bet your ass he’ll tell everybody and their mothers about it, and good luck finding a job after that.

8. You’ll encounter a lot of unsavory folks on your deliveries. When you venture out into the Dead Lands, you will inevitably go toe-to-toe with the Deformed at some point. The government has declared them a menace to society, and they are banned from entering the Safe Zones—and for good reason. Not only do they radiate toxic chemicals, but they’ll gang up on you like a pack of starved coyotes. They are hungry, desperate, and savage. They’ll kill you for a fucking bottle cap, let alone a pizza. Do NOT let them compromise the merchandise. I’ll remind you that your job is to ensure safe, timely delivery of expensive products, and the customer is relying on you to bring it to them. This is a business, not a charity, so don’t let the Deformed bribe you, steal from you, or sucker you into giving them free food. The customer always comes first. Let the outcasts fend for themselves.

9. Finally—and this is vital, so pay attention—there is an unspoken rule in this industry: If the cops catch you, never give up the names of the people you work with. Understand that your coworkers, like you, are trying to get by, and smuggling contraband is the quickest way to make ends meet these days. If the police catch you, they will torture you to get names. They will send you to prison. It’ll suck. But have some decency and keep your mouth shut. Your coworkers have kids and families, and this is their only means of survival. So if you go down, don’t bring them with you. You’d want the same courtesy from them if they got caught, wouldn’t you?

Anyway, that’s your introduction to pizza delivery in the apocalypse, newbie. Think you can handle it? Not everyone can, and that’s alright. If you want out, get out before you even start. But if you’re in, then you’re staying in for the long haul. Make sure this is what you really want, because once you become a criminal, there’s no going back.

So, newbie… Are you in?