Beatrice

The sound of the front door opening and closing causes Amber to glance from the window she'd been gazing out of. A smile forms as her daughter walks in with a mischievous smile. Amber takes in her child. The way her brown skin matches hers or how their eyes are turned down almost almond shaped, she also notes how much of her father is in her to her disdain. 

Mona gives a smile back to her, sliding her bag off of her shoulder.  

"Hey Ma! How have you been?" she asks, giving her mother a hug. Embracing her daughter, Amber breaths in her scent, the same she's done since she brought her home. 

"I'm much better now that my baby is home." Amber said squeezing Mona's shoulders.

"Mama, I'm not a baby."

"You'll always be my baby."

The two women laugh, and Amber can't help the joy that fills her listening to the laugh of the most precious person in her heart. Mona goes about the kitchen, making herself comfortable in her mother's new lake home. She grabs a mug from the cupboard making herself a coffee before snapping her fingers "Oh yea this came to the old house for you"

Mona pulls out an envelope and hands it to her, she asks that question that was burning her tongue on the way over, "Who is Bernice?" 

Amber stops mid grab, letting the envelope fall from her fingers, her heart stopping in her ribcage. She has done all she could to erase that name from memory. Amber closes her eyes trying to stifle the emotions flooding her senses.

"Helloooo, who is that?" Mona said, gathering the letter and placing it next to her mother. 

Amber traces the name on front of it, not wanting to believe after all these years she would hear from the woman who changed her life in the most amazing ways.

Mona, with a coffee mug in hand, raises an eyebrow at her mother. In all her years of living she's never seen her mother so quiet or somber. "Ma you're acting like you’ve seen a ghost."

A rogue tear slips from Amber's eye, causing worry to seep into Mona, she reaches out and takes her mom's free hand. "Oh, I guess you could say I have."

"You're gonna have to give me more than that lady." Mona's eyebrows knit together trying to fathom how this stranger could have her stoic mother in such an emotional state.

Amber shakes her head looking off into the distance. Gazing back out the window. Taking in the lapping water on the shore, the songbirds flitting about, or how the sun rays make everything seem like it's shining. Her daughter is in her twenties and this letter confirms its time. 

Looking at her sweet baby she pats her hand before saying "Get the bourbon for me dear and make me a drink please." 

Mona gives her a skeptical look before fixing her mother a drink. Watching from the counter her mother reads the letter silently, more tears accompanying the rogue one on her cheek. 

 Mona sets her mother's cup down before kneeling in front of her. “Ma what's wrong?” she asks not knowing how to help her mother. 

Amber shakes her head, words failing her. She looks from the paper in her hands to her child. Her child, the one she's raised and poured all she had into. Could her baby girl handle this truth? Could she handle facing her past?

Taking Mona’s hands in hers, her lip quivering “Bernice was an old friend-" she pauses trying to gather her wits "she just passed"

Mona squeezes her mother's hands "Oh mama I'm so sorry"

The worry that was pea sized in Mona's heart became a large boulder sinking into her belly. Amber wipes her face before looking at her daughter. "I gotta tell you something and its important you hear the whole story before reacting."

Mona shakes her head in agreement pulling her mother's hands into her lap. Taking some tissues from the side table and a deep breath, Amber dives into her story. 

Summer 2000

The night was cool even though the day had seen record highs. Amber was sleeping with the window half open. She rolled over in her bed, hands automatically searching for the warm body that was normally next to her. When her fingers felt nothing but cool sheets her eyes slowly opened. Rubbing the sleep away she could make out a frantic silhouette. 

"Bea come back to bed, I miss you."

Beatrice stopped what she was doing and went to her girl. Sitting on the edge of the bed Beatrice cupped her face, drinking in her features. Placing a soft kiss on her lips, Beatrice traced her fingers under Ambers eyes and down her nose. 

"I was hoping to make this a clean break." Beatrice said placing a kiss on Amber's shoulder.

Confusion swept in, wiping away the sleep that was in her body. “What's that supposed to mean?” she said softly.

Beatrice folded their hands together, eyes downcast as if the words pained her to come out. "I know I promised you a lot of things, but I have to leave this place Ames. I don't expect-"

Standing from the bed Amber's mouth moved but no sound came out. Thats when she saw the room lite up by the moon, half-stuffed backpack and cleared out drawers. She turned in a slow circle.

"Beatrice what is happening?" Amber asked bewildered at the sight. 

Beatrice stood from the bed gathering her in her arms. 

"Amber I... I... -" Beatrices words were stopped by a rhythmic knock on their dorm door. Beatrice calls out to give her a minute and she turned back to Amber. Squeezing her body to hers, trying to rember every curve and contour. Pulling back she kissed Amber as deeply as she had done the first time.

Beatrice pulled away and looked into Ambers eyes "I'm pregnant."

was all she could get out before the same rhythmic knock sounded again.

Rushing through the room all Amber could do was stand there, sleepy dazed angry and confused at what she just heard.

"This will guide you to me" was the last thing Beatrice said before stuffing a letter into Ambers hands.

—

"Wait", Mona's voice breaking her mother's reverie. The mug in her hand clangs on the table as Mona leans closer to her mother. "Are you telling me my mother had a lesbian lover? Did dad know? Did you find her? Where did she go? What happened to her baby?"

Amber offers a small smile as her daughter's inquisitive nature reminds her of a younger her. Amber sips her drink, letting the warm liquid quell the rising anguish in her. Looking at the child she's raised, knowing that she won't stop until she gets the answers she seeks. 

"Those are all good questions. Hold onto them I'll be right back." Amber goes off into the house, the only sound Mona can hear is the sound of moving clothes.  

Settling back onto the window seat handing Mona the photo album before looking at her. The warmth from her arm resting on hers gives her the strength to continue. "Back then your grandparents weren’t as open as they are now, but yes. I was in love with a woman and yes your father knew, you should really talk to him about his best friend Leroy."

"Pause are you telling me you guys had a lavender marriage?" Mona asks, shocked and intrigued.

Amber pats her daughter's hand only giving a sly smile as her answer. Opening the photo album between them. "Beatrice was more than a gay awakening, she was the sun, the moon, and stars."

Fall 2001

“Follow the river, and you'll find me among the dead even though they are living.” 

That was the only clue Beatrice left Amber. After collecting numbers and addresses from the phone book she set off to find her. After calling all of the senior communities with the word river in the name she found Beatrices grandmother's address. 

Amber walked up the steps to the old lady’s door hoping that she had followed the clues correctly. The sound of chimes rang through the house accompanying the banging behind her ribcage. What if she's wrong? What if Beatrice doesn’t want to see her?

Her mind went silent when an elderly woman opened the door adorning the same bright encompassing smile, she was so used to almost a year ago. 

"Well hello child, how may I help?" the older woman said. She may have been in her late sixties, but she didn’t look a day over forty. 

Amber pulled a photo out of her pocket offering it to the woman "Hi Mam, I’m Amber James. I was wondering if Beatrice Simpson lived here?”

The older woman just smiled a wide knowing grin "Come on in baby, she's gone be very happy to see you."

The woman ushered Amber into the house making sure her shoes and coat were placed in their respective places. 

"My name is Bernice, but everyone just calls me Big Mama, do you want some food I just got done with Sunday dinner?" the woman smiled warmly at Amber. She shook her head yes knowing it'd be rude to say no or really knowing Big Mama wouldn’t take no for an answer. 

Sitting at the kitchen counter Big Mama got to work filling Amber’s plate with greens, candied yams, baked mac and cheese, fried pork chops and baked beans. The aroma was like home but before she could dig in a familiar voice surrounded her along with that familiar squeal. 

"Amber, you found me! See Big Mama, I told you she would find me!" The air was knocked from her lungs as Beatrice took hold of her. Making the memory of their first time come racing back with enough force to transport them both back to that time. 

Turning around all Amber could do was breathe her in. The smell of cocoa butter and hair grease greeting her senses as she soaked up the love she's been yearning for since that night. Placing her hands on her shoulders she looked at the woman in front of her. Beatrice cupped Ambers face drinking in her brown skin, her fluttering eyelashes, and those stormy dark brown eyes. 

Amber glances down at her stomach a bit surprised at its flatness "What happened to the baby?" the question tumbled out of her tactlessly. 

Big Mama clasped her hands after placing a second plate next to Ambers. "I'm going to go check on the babe, y'all have a lot to catch up on." she said, placing kisses on the girl's cheeks before disappearing. 

For a few minutes that seemed like hours the only sound that could be heard was the scraping of forks on plates. One would assume that it would be awkward but, in their souls, it felt like they had just come home. The warmth from their legs touching, the sneaking glances. They felt like new lovers all over again.

But Amber knew they had to talk about things. She finished her mac and cheese like the strength from Big Mama would somehow pour into her. Wiping her mouth she turned to Beatrice, "So whatcha been up to?"

Beatrice toyed with her food a bit more before turning to Amber, their legs intertwined as though time hadn’t passed between them. "Well as you know I had a baby, moved in with Big Mama, and ummm…" she paused, taking a deep breath before looking Amber in the eye. "And uh well I got diagnosed with stage four ovarian cancer last week. It was honestly a surprise my baby girl was even born." 

Amber sat back the news taking away any air she had. Looking at her just looking at her, Amber cycled through all of the emotions. "But I just got you back" she whispered.  

“I know, I know.” Beatrice said pulling Amber to her. Foreheads touching.

They pulled away from each other no longer needing words to convey what was in their hearts. They went back to their plates slowly taking in some bites before Amber turned back to Beatrice.

"So, you had a girl?"

Beatrice let out a small laugh easing the tension in the air. "Yea and honestly she's just like you."

"Like me, she doesn't even know me, and she can't even talk!" Amber exclaimed. 

"She does know you. I talk about you all the time. Honestly, I talk about you to anyone who would listen. " Beatrice moved some food around on her plate. "Shes so inquisitive, she gets this look on her face when I show her something new, it's like questions are just building inside of her but she can't get them out yet." They share a knowing chuckle because that's how Amber is. Asking all the questions until she can't ask anymore.

"Are you sure that it's not just you being enamored with her?" Amber said tucking some of Beatrices hair behind her ear. Beatrice just smiles leaning into her touch.

They stare at each other for a bit longer before the question that’s been burning Amber up dares to be asked. "Bea, I have to ask, and you know you have every right to tell me to mind my business…But who's her father?"

That question right there dimmed the light that had been shing from her.  Beatrice pushed her plate away folding her arms in front of her. Amber was mentally kicking herself.

Beatrice blew out some air before she responded. "You remember that party we went to with Damien and his crew?"

Amber shakes her head remembering how drunk she got at that party and then passed out on someone's couch. Amber scooted closer to her wiping the silent tears from Beatrices chin.

With watery words Beatrice continued "well when everyone had passed out in the room, he decided that he had waited long enough to have me." A watery laugh escaped Beatrice, "Can you believe that. Have me, like he owned me."

Tears were spilling from both women. Sitting together letting their pain permeate the room. Amber stood from her seat gathering her strong-willed no nonsense love into her arms. 

"I'm here" she whispered as sobs poured from Beatrice. They were intertwined like that for days, hours, minutes, seconds.

The silence was broken when Big Mama entered the room "I think you guys could use some baby cuddles. This here is Ramona."

They broke apart so Amber could take in the tiny Beatrice look alike.

—

Pacing the kitchen, Mona’s brow fusing together, questions pouring out of her. Amber just watches as her daughter talks through the information she's received. 

“Wait wait wait wait, she was assaulted? Did you guys report him? Why did she leave?” Mona was spewing questions not knowing where to end with them

Amber could only watch as her daughter was putting pieces together. When the last question left Mona's body, she sat back down grabbing the photo album. Silence stretching between them as she flipped through page after page of Beatrice and her mother.

A picture of a toddler, her mother and Beatrice stops Mona in her tracks, “How long did you guys have together?”

Amber traces the picture remembering that day. How the sun shone and the amount of laughter they shared. " Twelve glorious months, before she sent me away." Fresh tears started pouring down Amber's face.

Confusion sweeps across Mona’s face. "Why, you guys look so happy, why wouldn't she want you there for the end?”

Silence hangs in the air. Amber reckoning her past. 

“She wanted me to do something important and she didn't want our last memories to be tainted with me seeing her that way." Amber took gulp of her drink.

Mona smiles, flipping the page to another of just Beatrice and the baby "I wish I could have met her. Pause, did you name me after her baby?"

Without looking at Mona, Amber shook her head no.

Monas smile fell as the pieces began to fall into place. "Ma is that baby... Me?"

All Amber could do was cry.