The Darkness is Light

Euphoria, such a genius word to describe the type of happiness most people strive to attain. I am one of the lucky ones who experiences it daily. It would not seem so while waking up before dawn, the outside world still dark and quiet. There are parts of my day which do not seem very euphoric, especially when I first meet new people, but it never takes long for others to see why my job is better than it seems.

Two years have passed since I began this job and journey. I can’t say I technically asked to do this, but when you’re specifically chosen by the big Boss, you do not question why or how; you simply do and are thankful for the opportunity. I fumble around as usual while getting ready and wonder if I will ever get accustomed to the additional bulk. Being late would be a major issue, but in my line of work, as long as I complete my task, a minute here and there does not hinder the end result, and the end result is the most important part.

As I wander down the mainly desolate streets, there is still some illumination from lamp posts and the sporadic car headlights. I do my usual appreciation of the stillness and peace. Sure, there are a few people milling around but pre-dawn is not a very friendly time of day. Perhaps if my job did not bring me such joy, I would not feel the anticipation I do. I’m on my way to see Walter, but he doesn't know I will be there this soon. There are moments I reflect on exactly what it is I do and wonder if I should take such pride in it, but I’m quickly reminded that when our lives take a massive shift, we can choose to fight it or choose to relish in it. I choose the latter, and I know there is a true blessing in the experience.

When I was first offered this position and heard about the early hours, I admit I was taken back. I’ve never been an early riser, but instead a textbook night owl. Mornings were technically the afternoon and there were many days when I went to sleep at the hour I am currently roaming in the city. I wondered why this shift was chosen for me considering my friend Jackie was on the midday schedule while Sam was given late nights. In fact, the very first day on the job, I began with sheer panic at wondering how I could complete the tasks laid out before me and do it while most of the world seemed to be in a deep slumber. The experience, however, was so glorious and peaceful, that I could not wait until the next day to do it again. It does not seem like an ideal job, but in the grand scheme of existence, I could not ask for something better.

So, as my thoughts run back to Walter, I arrive at his house. Inside, I immediately survey the surrounding environment. Walter is laying in bed with his eyes closed. His wife, four children and nine grandchildren are all in the room, some asleep and some awake, looking somber. His wife, Jessica, is holding his hand and has a look of sheer exhaustion and defeat on her face. Walter feels my presence and begins stirring. I hear low gasps as Walter opens his eyes. One of his sons wakes up those who are snoozing and everyone gathers around, talking over each other.

“Grandpa, we love you,” says one.

“Oh Dad, it’s so wonderful to see you open your eyes. We are all here with you. Can you hear us?” says another.

“Walter honey, it’s me Jessica. Can you look at me?”

Walter hears them all but stares in my direction. He smiles at me and feebly utters, “I’ve been waiting for you. What took you so long?”

The people in the room all turn simultaneously and look at me, only they are looking right through me, for I am not visible to them. I smile back and say, “Hi Walter. I know you’ve been waiting, but I’m sure you also know I don’t get to choose when I arrive. The Big Guy has that honor and He scheduled my entrance for right now. Please, take in your family who are all around you. Say your goodbyes and let them know what you’re feeling. When you close your eyes again, you’ll see I’m still right here to guide your way.”

Walter nods and looks at Jessica, who is crying, for their love runs so deep. She can feel that these are his final moments amongst the living. They look into each other’s eyes and kiss. She strokes his head the way she always has in their sixty years of marriage. He looks out to his children and grandchildren. Walter has a single tear coming down his cheek as he thanks them for such a wonderful life; how they have all made him the happiest man to ever live. He tells them this is not goodbye, and that he will see them all again. He blows a kiss and says his final, “I love you,” directing it out to the group. Walter then closes his eyes, a slight grin on his face as he takes his last breath.

I’m standing in the same spot, waiting as Walter’s soul approaches me. He looks back at his family and sees them all crying and surrounding Jessica as she lays her head on Walter’s chest. Just as I did two years ago to my guardian, and just as all the friends I have welcomed since, Walter looks over at me in awe. His body propels a bit forward from the force we all are so lucky to encounter…the euphoria entering, and I am so lucky to witness this over and over again with this job. For Walter has experienced what so many of us are blessed to feel as we pass over; an abundance of love from our families and friends permeating our souls like one huge hug. It is what causes that jolt of the souls forward as newcomers approach me.

Walter and I are in the street now, and the sun is just beginning to rise. Walter asks me if his family is going to be ok, even though he already knows the answer. I say yes, and as I look into his eyes, he hears the words I am not actually speaking. Death is part of life and although his family will need time to mourn, it will not be long before they all start to feel happiness again when thinking of a memory or when they hear his name. Walter never looks away as this answer is being communicated and he gives me a comforted nod in acknowledgement.

We grab hands and my wings break through my jacket (oh, how I love this part). The freedom is so comfortable because I am unhindered from the bulk. Our souls begin to rise and I can sense Walter’s calm while he is absorbing the information we learn at this early stage of the after-life. When we have lived a fulfilling life, our first thoughts are of those we leave behind instead of any fear of the unknown in what is happening to us. Walter is choosing which memories he wants his family to think about as they heal and eventually continue on with their lives. He sees how his children and grandchildren will tend to Jessica. He looks up to where we are headed and says, “Thank you; I am ready to serve.”

Walter looks over at me as we near the top of our ascent and nods again as I silently teach him that dawn is not only the beginning of a new day, but the beginning of our journey into a new purpose. His face is beaming and we both chuckle as we say simultaneously, “Euphoria.”