Fun News

Dad’s made his world-famous lasagna tonight, and that means something’s up.

He gives me a long stare after setting an extra-big piece on my plate. “You alright, Clay? You look a little green under the gills.”

“I’m fine, Pop,” I reply, though I can’t meet his eyes. 

He smiles, ruffles my hair, and takes his place at the head of the table. “C’mon, everyone, there’s plenty to go around!”

The giant slab of noodles, sauce, and cheese is calling my name, but my stomach is too swishy to do anything about it. The last time Dad made lasagna he dropped the news that Sparky ran away. The time before that? Grandma passed away.

Dad gets halfway through his meal before he sits upright and dabs his face with his embroidered napkin. It reads “Beast Dad ever,” a gift from my younger sister Lali; it was her first embroidery project.

“Does anyone have any fun news to share tonight?” He asks.

It’s a tradition in our house. Dad asks everyone at the table for their “fun news,” one by one, until he’s the only one left. He’ll share the bad news with us after this, I know it.

He looks around the room and his eyes settle on my brother. “How ‘bout you, Penn?”

Penn puts his fork down and quickly takes a swig from his drink. “Jimmy Jingles slipped and fell on his butt during practice today. It was hilarious!”

I shake my head. Penn loves stupid stuff like that. One time he laughed for ten straight minutes after a freshman fell face-first in the mud during recess.

“That’s a good one, Penn,” Dad Said. He gestures to Lali, who’s already on her second helping of lasagna. “Maybe my baby girl would like to share. If she can come up for air, that is.”

“Ronald,” my mom says from beside him, “don’t be mean.”

“I’m only teasing, my darling,” Dad says with a chuckle. He turns back to Lali. “So how about it, sweetheart?”

“I got a B on my math test,” she replies, not looking up.

It’s a shame there’s no grade for eating like a slob, because Lali’d be a straight-A student.

Dad claps his hands together. “That’s great, Lali! Your mom and I are so proud.”

Lali nods and continues eating, undeterred.

Dad takes Mom’s hand and they exchanged a warm look. We’re getting close to the end and I begin to sweat.

“Darling,” he says, “what fun news do you have for the family tonight?”

“I got a promotion,” Mom replies, beaming. “I’m now Junior Executive Officer of Productivity and Operational Strategies!”

“That’s amazing!” Dad says. He applauds and nods for us to join in, which we do. “Tell us, what does a Junior Executive Officer of Productivity and Operational Strategies do?”

My eyes glaze over as Mom explains, but I’m also relieved. The longer she talks, the longer it’ll take for Dad to drop the impending bad news.

Penn snorts laughter after Mom finishes. “Geez, Mom, that sounds super-boring!”

“Penn!” Dad jabs his finger at him. “You apologize to your mother right now, young man!”

A fight. Perfect. If it gets bad enough, maybe Dad won’t have a chance to—

“It’s okay, Ronald,” Mom says. She squeezes Dad’s hand. “There’s no need to get upset.”

She turns to my brother and shrugs. “You’re right, Penn, it does sound super-boring, doesn’t it? I guess I just like super-boring things!”

“Sorry, Mom,” Penn says. “I’m glad you got a promotion!”

Mom nods. “Thank you, sweetie.”

Dad uses his napkin to wipe his head with the flourish of a magician. “Well that was intense, wasn’t it?”

Everyone laughs except me. That was the lamest and shortest fight ever. I grumble and stare down at my plate. The lasagna is still calling my name, but I ignore it.

“Clay,” Dad says, his eyes locked on mine, “do you have anything you’d like to share with us tonight?”

My turn has come. When I’m done talking, Dad will share whatever terrible news he’s hiding. I tense up, my shoulders nearly touching my ears.

Dad cocks in head. “Clay? You in there, buddy?”

I’ve got nothing! Nothing! Nothing happened to me today. It was the dullest day in the history of days, and now I’m gonna pay for it! I dig dig deep for anything that might delay him.

“Uh… I finished “The Snitch Wore Cement Shoes” on the bus today.”

Penn snorts. “What else is new, Bookworm?”

He’s right. My love for the “Kevlar McKay: Private Eye” series is well documented; I finish one almost every day. In my defense they’re really short.

“Penn, it’s rude to interrupt,” Dad says. He turns back to me. “That’s great, Clay.”

“Yeah!” I reply, leaning forward in my seat. “Kevlar McKay gets hired by a guy who turns out to be a mafia boss! He tricks Kevlar into helping him find his “long-lost brother,” but it’s actually a snitch that the cops are hiding! They go to an abandoned textile mill and—”

“Whoa there, buddy!” Dad says. “You don’t want to ruin the ending for us, do you?”

“I don’t care,” Lali says. She tries to grab the serving dish, but Mom gently pushes it out of her reach.

I take the opportunity and jump back into the book. “This one really explored Kevlar McKay’s backstory. It turns out he used to be a mafia enforcer, and—”

Dad puts his hands up. “I’m glad it was good, buddy, but I think that’s enough.”

No! I need to keep talking! My heart races like a jackrabbit. “But I didn’t tell you about the flashback!”

“I said that’s enough, Clay.” 

I sit back in my chair, frowning. I know better than to keep talking when Dad’s voice gets all low like that.

He stands and places his hands on the table. “Kids, I have something very imporant to tell you all.

This is it. I press my back against the seat cushion and hold my breath for the inevitable. 

“There’s cake in the kitchen,” Dad says with a smile. “You may take it to your rooms.”

“Sweet!” Lali says. 

She and Penn jump out of their chairs and run to the kitchen, but I’m too shocked to join them. I was wrong! There’s no bad news! I can’t believe it! I better get up before Lali eats all the cake!

I pull my chair out to stand, but Dad stops me.

“Clay, you’re staying down here with us.”

My stomach drops. “What? Why?”

“Because we said so, young man,” Dad replies.

“That’s not fair! Why do Penn and Lali get to have dessert and I have to—”

Oh no! It’s worse than I thought. There is bad news and it’s about me! 

Lali dashes up the stairs with a massive pice of cake in her hands, followed by Penn. Before he’s out of sight, he winks at me and says, “You’re in trouble!” in a sing-song voice.

“You’re treading on thin ice, mister!” Dad calls to him.

Their footsteps echo through the house like a set of rapid heartbeats. Once I hear their their bedroom doors slam, I push Dad’s arm away and stand, knocking my chair to the floor.

“Clay!” Dad’s eyes are wide. “What are you—”

“Tell me what’s going on!” I say. “Tell me right now!”

“It’s okay, sweetie,” Mom says. “Calm down.”

Calm down? How am I supposed to calm down? Mom and Dad have never sent the others away to talk to me after dinner! Whatever they’re about to say must be huge!

“What did I do?” I pin myself to the wall like a frightened animal. “Whatever it is I swear I—”

“Buddy, you didn’t do anything.” Dad’s voice is calm. “You’re not in trouble, we promise.”

Mom picks my chair off the floor and gently pats the seat. “Your father and I just have something to tell you, and we didn’t want to do it in front of your brother and sister. It’s not a bad thing, just an important one.”

“O—okay,” I say between gasps of breath.

I let Dad guide me into the chair. He and Mom kneel down on either side of me.

“Son,” Dad says slowly. “You know we love you more than anything in the world, right?”

I nod slowly.

“And it doesn’t matter what you do, where you go, or where you’re from. I’m you’re father and your mother is your mother. Understood?”

Realization hits me like a phaser beam, and my body relaxes.

“Wait a second.” I say. “Is this about me being adopted?”

Their eyes bulge like billiards.

“You—you know?” Dad stutters. 

I shrug. “Sure. I’ve known for a long time.”

Mom’s hand is pressed against her chest. “But how?” 

“Well, Penn told me years ago,” I say, rolling my eyes, “but it’s pretty obvious. I don’t look anything like you guys!”

Dad groans and rubs his temple while Mom takes my hand.

“Sweetie,” she says, “if you knew, why didn’t you say anything?”

“I dunno,” I say honestly. “I guess I figured you’d tell me when you were ready.”

“And you’re not upset?” Tears well up in Mom’s eyes. “You—you don’t hate us?” 

I squeeze her hand. “No way! You guys are the best parents ever!”

Dad’s tearing up now too. “Oh buddy, we love you so much!”

They grab me in a tight hug. After a long while of crying and laughing, we pull away and I meet their eyes.

“But why now?” I ask. “Why tell me now?”

“Well, son,” Dad begins. “That part’s a little complicated.” 

I cock my head. “Complicated?”

He clears his throat. “You know I used to work for the Intergalactic Discovery Alliance, right?”

I nod. The IDA was founded a millennium ago after microscopic life was discovered on Jupiter Prime 0739. They’re the foremost authority on space exploration.

“Well, I was on assignment in the Zeta quadrant when I came across a lone native of Planet Z-927—an infant, to be exact.” 

My jaw slacks. “You found an alien? A real one?”

“Yes, son,” Dad says. “My team had been ordered to avoid any species we came across, but I could never abandon a child, no matter the circumstance.”

“What did you do?” I ask.

“The only thing I could,” Dad says. “I smuggled the child off-world and brought him home.”

Did Dad say, “brought him home?”

He caresses Mom’s cheek. “We’ve been raising him as one of our own ever since, and he’s grown into the brilliant young man before us!”

I point my finger at my chest. “Me? Are you talking about me?”

They both nod. 

“I’m the alien?”

“Yes, son,” Dad says.

Any normal kid might be terrified by this news, but my eyes light up. “That’s so cool! Do I have super powers? Can I, like, fly, or shoot lasers from my eyes?”

Dad chuckles “Not quite, but you are very special.”

He looks away and rubs the back of his neck. 

“What’s wrong?” I ask. 

“Clay,” Mom begins, “you’re aware that kids your age go through certain… changes, right?”

“Yeah. My health teacher went over all that last week.” 

She called it “the great molting,” when “the young larvae sheds their adolescence and blossoms into maturity.” It was a really weird way to explain it.

“Okay good,” Mom says.

She puts her hand on Dad’s shoulder. He exhales sharply. 

“Until now you’ve been able to blend in,” he says, “but your physiology is very different from your peers. Your transformation will be far more… gruesome.”

My heart is pounding. “What is it?”

Dad shudders, as if thinking about it makes him want to puke. “The inhabitants of your home-planet call it puberty.”

~End~