Till then...

No one knew I came here. Sneaking out from house wasn't a problem, well as long as going out through the main door could be called 'sneaking out'. The home was supposed to be a place where you feel like you belonged. In the spiritual sense at least. And I was never home at my house. One thing I was waiting for was to break out of my house, live somewhere away from anyone who knew me, someplace where I could carve out my own niche.

No, my parents were perfectly happy and in love with each other. The kind of love where you feel incomplete without the other. The kind of love that I knew, I would never get. They loved me. So much...so much more than normal. They wanted me to be involved in all their decisions and moments. They also expected me to reciprocate the way they thought. From whom I talk, to what I should be doing, what I should wear, how I should act out or speak or do, everything was decided by them, and I never went against it. Some would say that I am being ungrateful, some would say selfish, some would say ' it is how it is ', some would say 'there are way too many serious problems in this world for us to be concerned about this petty issue of yours'. But you never know how or what it feels like unless you are in their situation.

This was one of my reason...or justification, as some would say, for me being here, at one O'clock at night, on the grounds, nestled between the history section and the manuscripts section of the town library, gazing into the half damaged volume of some book.

The first time I came here was three years ago. I was scared...terrified. The shadows felt so real,like someone was here,waiting to pounce on me. I was roaming through each of the sections, waiting to find the perfect one. the first day I sat between the childrens' books. It was too colourful to match with the sombre tone of the night. The experiments kept repeating for that entire week,until I came to the place where I am sitting. There was still half of the library to experiment, but this was meant for me...also the lighting was good! I was pretty sure, I wasn't the first one to break into the library. And neither will I be the last. This place was welcoming its doors to everyone. And this place provided a sense of belonging to most people in this town. Everyone called it theirs, but alone it stood in its grandeur not being owned by anyone, but letting them live in their fantasy.

As a kid I was never the one for library. I was wild, to put it in a mild way. Sitting silently for fifteen minutes was a herculean task for me, except when i was out in the open. My friends used to be the shape-shifting clouds, the grass, and Flash, my dog. My mother used to be so upset with the fact that while all her friends' kids were playing, I was busy being the oddball. Finally she was convinced that it was because of Flash that I was reluctant to make friends. So she gave away Flash to someone. That was the first of the many people I had to loose, because of not fitting the checkboxes my parents had. The hardest hit I had to take was my best friend, who was always there for me when I was bullied and teased was disapproved by my parents. It was the first time that i stood up to them...three years ago. I still don't know whether it was a rebel tendency to come here, or a need to be somewhere else.

Emily was a good witch.Beautiful, strong-willed and bold. We were strangers until we hit off. She stood up for me in front of my biggest bully, and from then on, that girl has always been my rock. I was extremely nervous for the day, when my mother and Em were supposed to meet. And the moment they did, I knew the outcome. The glint of disapproval was there in her eyes, which unsuspecting Em could not grasp. The justification given by my mum was that she was too unfocused for me, and would lead me astray! The irony was hilarious. When I said, I could not...will not stop talking to Em, all hell broke loose. The chaos and tears were though not unfamiliar, was still hard. But unlike the other times, all I felt was disgust...for which I felt guilty enough.

I started going to the library from that day onwards. to escape the drama of life...i guess. I didn't come here to read and it definitely was not the silence that led me to. This was something that I had to do, something about finding myself, moving away from doing things expected of me and away from the safety blanket of familiarity. To prove to myself that I was not like my parents, and to convince myself of my individuality. It made sense when I thought of it, but ain't I dwelling on it? am I letting this influence me negatively, which was the opposite of what I set out to achieve?

Sitting here in this dark passage with just the soft light shining above me, surrounded by the smell of old books, I felt like a small child, scared about everything around her. I felt incompetent, small...the feeling was overwhelming.

It was almost time for me to go back. This was my usual time to go back, with a promise to return. But tomorrow I know things would not remain the same. I wouldn't sneak in or come hideaway here and dream of what could be. But for now, I had to go back. Back to where I would be loved. Back to where I would spend hours feeling guilty about all the thoughts I had. Back to the place where I had to face my fears and start to stop faking things. Back to where I had to make my dreams a reality or stay chained in my cage forever.

But I promise to come back, not to hide, but to relish the taste of my victory. To thank this place now filled with the sound of my harsh breath. Till then...