I Didn't Sleep Last Night

Today, 2020.

I didn’t sleep last night.. probably from the weird dreams that I’ve been having. I wouldn’t consider these dreams ‘nightmares’ necessarily, although they do absolutely freak me the fuck out. They’re just so vivid, so real.

When I awake, it feels as if I've been running around all night; like I didn’t get any rest at all. I’ve always been a bigger fan of the moon, but I have to admit that I’ve been seeing way too much of her lately. 

Waking up super late hasn't been going so great either. I know I’ve been feeling down, but that doesn’t excuse me from joining the rest of society every day. I seriously need to get my sleep schedule back on track. 

Today, 2020.

I went to bed late last night, but peacefully. I woke up around 6am from a good dream to use the bathroom. When I hopped back into bed, I couldn’t fall asleep. James was awake too, same situation. We talked and cuddled for a while, and eventually knocked out.

When I awoke again, I sat there, quietly. Asking myself so many questions.. like “Am I depressed?” I turned to James and told him how everything was great at first; how he was there, his friends, my cousins.. everyone was just having a good time. But shortly after, I had wandered off.

I found myself sneaking into a huge building made of stone. It appeared like a run down castle, maybe a school now. I ran up an old, spiral staircase to a floor where I met with a short, thin man, wearing a lab coat. He had dark brown hair, a mustache, and must’ve been in his 60’s. He walked over me to me and asked if I was ready. We proceeded straight ahead to a small room. It was squarely shaped, with a huge glass window in one of the walls so people could see in. It felt like I was in a room where they’d lethally inject a prisoner. As I thought of this, I asked the Doctor for a moment because although I seemed ‘so ready’, it had just hit me.. my life was about to end. Like, really end. And I started thinking of all the 'last things’ I saw and felt, and if that was enough for me; if I wanted more. And I did. The doctor realized I was second guessing my decision.

Taking his gloves off, “Hey, you can always reschedule.. it’s no big deal. I’ve got another appointment at 1pm anyway.” I looked up to see a large, round shaped clock. The time was 12:40. I thought “How could I rush this decision in a 20 minute time frame? My life is much more valuable than that..” So I thanked him, and made my way.

Maybe I am depressed.

Today, 2020.

I laid my head upon my windowsill, watching the rain all night. I was hoping for a storm.. nothing crazy, maybe just some lightning action. Instead, it simply poured.

As the sun rose, the rain ceased, and a rainbow slowly appeared; bright and beautiful. And yet, such a coward.. hiding until the storm clears, peaking through windows as it rains. Without water, neither of us would be of existence. It’s hard to believe that I am made up of more than one who shines above me. More courage, more pieces.. more parts greater than drizzle to fear. 

Today, 2020.

I spent this evening at the park by myself. I like to be alone sometimes. There’s way worse things than being alone. Besides, I really needed to clear my mind. James and I haven’t been in the best place lately. It’s hard being happy with someone else when you’re having a hard time being happy with yourself.

The park was completely empty. Little tweets were coming from the trees around me. I was surrounded by all different types of birds.. Cardinals, Robins, Bluejays. A Bluejay actually left me a feather in my backyard earlier this morning. I thought it might have been a sign from my dad. I like to think it was. And maybe it was.. but maybe, it was just a visit from one of those guys. It’s amazing how the birds, humming on the ground and in the sky, singing their own songs, still sound so lovely, all together.

The field was full of shamrocks. I was on a hunt for a four leaf clover, but I never ended up finding one. I don’t believe in luck much, so maybe that’s why I’ve never found one, ever. I know one day I will though.. 

I did find a dandelion. Well, one of the fluffy white ones. I may not believe in luck, but I do believe in hope.. so I always pluck them out of the ground to make wishes. I actually encourage it. Honestly, it feels good.. and I don’t wonder why. I thought I was going to pass out from blowing on it too hard. The wish won’t come true though unless I get every single seed. I tend to be a little superstitious at times. Even though the wind would have blown them off on its’ own time anyway, it’s still cool knowing I’m part of the reason those seeds will grow where they do.. even though I’ll never know for sure which ones my exhales planted. I’ll still try and guess though when the dandelions have already grown.

I stayed to watch the sunset. The sky was full of clouds; the blue and pink, cotton-candy lookin’ kind. There was an area in-between them, where the lingering rays of the sun beamed through. And what I saw was simply, heavenly. It felt as if time had stopped, and that moment was everything. The calmness of it all washed over my entire being. I left feeling inspired, positive, and a little sleepy. I was sure I’d sleep like a baby tonight, but it’s another night where that’s not the case. I used to be afraid of missing out. That’s just not it anymore.

I remember there were these two Cardinals sitting next to each other on a tree full of pink leaves; one I don’t know the name of. The male made his way closer to the female. She flew away and he chased her. Every single branch she stopped to sit on, he'd arrive right next to her. They did this a few times, then she seemed to finally let him stay. She moved over closer to him. It kind of reminded me of how the young will always fall in love, how the flowers will always bloom, how the trees will always grow, how the birds will always sing, how the cycle will always begin again. How Spring will always arrive with more beauty than the one before, and how I will be okay.

Today, 2020.

I find myself really missing James lately. I think I knocked out at around 6am this morning, and slept until about 2pm. Wonderful. Anyway.. in this dream I was asleep in it, just waking up. A little confusing, I know. As I opened my eyes, there stood the man of my dreams. He didn’t look like James, but I knew he was. I’d know that man’s energy anywhere.

He had to leave, but wanted to see me beforehand. He said it took him a long time to find me. It was really late and the sky was pitch black, but only because his eyes held the stars. And I remember just being lost in them.. with this unexplainable feeling that he’s out there, longing for me too.

Today, 2020.

It’s 3am, and I just woke from a shitty dream. I fell asleep at a relatively early time, but of course I can’t sleep through the entire night.

In this one, this sad song kept playing over and over again. The vocals resembled cries that were coming from a ditch. As I got closer, I realized the ditch was actually a trap surrounded by flowers. I thought it was ironic how no one stopped to admire their beauty. If they did, they probably wouldn’t have fallen in. All these people, so focused on the noise, one by one they tumbled in. I couldn’t make out their words, but the song continued to grow louder. Their weak arms were stretched outwards towards mine. I couldn’t help them though. 

I think this one was telling me to give myself a break. Life is beautiful, and here I am constantly overthinking, falling into this hole that I’m super aware of. At least I’m catching myself. 

Today, 2020.

James called me this afternoon. We really got into everything going on between us, and things seem better now. I’m really happy he called because I’ve been one hell of a stubborn asshole. God knows I wasn’t making that call. Again, sleep deprived.

Feeling down has really affected my affection towards him. It was pretty unfair of me to shut him out the way I have been. I wasn’t even aware of how I was acting. Getting everything that's been going on with me lately off my chest was definitely nice. I usually only write about that stuff. Knowing how James is feeling too is very reassuring and comforting.. but I have to keep in mind that I need to continue finding my own comfort in myself.

I feel good today.

Today, 2020.

There was a beetle trapped in a spider’s web outside of James’ place a little earlier. James is passed out and I’ve been walking around upstairs, restless. I stepped outside and saw that the beetle was helpless and struggling. He looked like he had just gotten stuck there. I had to cut him loose.. It took a few minutes for me to untangle the web from his legs, but he’s free now. I feel like he knew I was helping him in some way. I do feel bad for taking that spider’s meal.. BUT I can only pray that if I’m ever in a situation where I’m being held against my will, that someone would cut me loose if they had the option.

Today, 2020.

I couldn’t fall asleep last night, but I’ve been getting better at it. Some things take time, and we don’t know exactly why and we don’t know exactly for how long. But one day you notice things are different.. after changes have been made, after time has settled in.

I’m sitting on my roof right now. I climbed out my bedroom window to get a better view of the night sky. The moon’s shaped like a canoe tonight, and I swear I can see a man up there. Some nights I see him starring back at me. Some nights I wonder if he notices me first. Is my face as blurred as his appears? His paddle stands out like a police cars’ lights; flashing in one’s rearview mirror, while driving down the parkway. I recognize him. I recognize him trying. Attempting to reach a destination; one that fulfills his soul, making him feel whole.. even if whole means just for a second. Both of us striving, yet holding shields and dressed in armor. Always desiring to be comfortable, but never allowing oneself to feel uncomfortable first.