Love Like Pottery

Water dripped onto my working-bench, loosening up the grey chalky clay into a paste. I used my hands to shape it into a ball and place it in a dry bowl. Grabbing a seemingly millennia old bucket; my hands found themselves in the presence of cold water again. The tap water flushed inside, filling the rounded edges of it.

I sighed. My mood wasn’t in sync with the routine I set myself to follow. In times like these, my mind can’t help but slip into yarns of memories. Especially the ones I weaved during my silly teen years.

My thoughts dispersed with the sound of telephone ringing. I turned off the tap, saving the bucket from overflowing. Wiping my hands dry I picked it up and answered, “Amina Pottery Services, how may I help you today?”

“Finally, found you,” The voice began.

“I am sorry I don’t understand-”. Chuckles sounded from the other line, the crevice in between my eyebrows deepened. “Thought you would recognize me from my voice alone, guess I was expecting too much.”

The next words made me almost hang up. “It’s Runa. From school.”

The universe really seems to be reading my mind today. I thought. Runa, calling me, after a horrible reminiscing of the past? Quite a coincidence. “Oh hey Runa." I tried sounding excited but my reluctance to reconnect with the past seemed to burden me. “Amina! I missed listening to your voice! How are you?” she sounded genuine, like she did 8 years ago.

“Oh, I’ve been okay. Business's been going rocky, with the pandemic and all.” I replied, trying my best to make small talk. “Hmm, right. The clinic’s been shut down but telemedicine appointments are busy as ever. Paranoid patients, am I right?” Awkward jokes to fill in silence; it felt like I was talking to the same person I dated for almost my entire High School. It was one of Runa’s most loveable quirks. I almost smiled but then the memories struck back. It sewed my lips into neutrality, a blank face.

Before my judgement let me decide better, a question I meant to ask deep down escaped my lips: “Are you happy?”

I imagined Runa being taken aback. Furrowing her eyebrows, she must have thought what a strange question to ask someone after 8 years of not speaking, an extensive stretch of time, though not enough for my pathetic self to move on. Maybe she was making fun of my pitiful state, stifling laughs under her breath like how she did when I cracked a joke on test days at school. But then again, I knew Runa would never do that. She would probably say something utterly mushy like “Why would I not be? I got my dream job, now I enjoy all of it-”

I was wrong. “I am getting married. Next year, February 18th.” said Runa instead.

Reaching our late 30s, it was not shocking that I would be receiving wedding invitations from friends. However, I didn’t see Runa calling me in the middle of my office hours and breaking the news. A thick thread of silence followed before I decided to snap it. “Oh! That’s cool. Great, congratulations. Who’s the lucky man?”

“Why do you think it’s a man? I mean I dated you in the past and you’re a woman.” I was wrong. Runa did change, she was never this unpredictable in the past. “Sorry, didn’t mean to offend, who’s the lucky per-” A melodious laughter sounded from the other line. “You get flustered so easily, like the past."

“I am getting married to Rashed. Hope you remember him, we had History class together. Turns out he had a thing for me during high school but he never had the guts to tell me, haha.”

Ah Rashed. Looking back he was always the background character. Almost never in my sight, always at the back of the class; either reading his notes or talking to his best friend Tahmina. He was the studious one among his friends who always picked fun at him for exactly being as such. His face seemed foggy in my memories. “Yeah I remember him. Runa and Rashed. Has a nice ring to it.”

“Yeah….” Runa’s voice trailed off. Quietness seemed to settle into our conversation. Distracted by the birds outside chirping, I thought how strange it must be if my former self heard about Rashed marrying Runa. Denial would be my primary emotion. I had thought we could be endgame. What was the idea of endgame really at that point? It was an unrealistic idea of happiness; we lovesick people crave for it anyways. “You there?” I spoke. I was ready to hang up then, having enough of tapping back into the former.

“Oh sorry, yes! Um, so I called to let you know I am having a pre-wedding party. With a few of us friends together. I’ll send you the details over email-”

“I’ll think about it. I'm busy right now, lovely talking to you.”

“Cool, cool. Nice talking to you to-” I hung up not caring how rude I sounded. There was no way I could let the sentimentality from the past anchor me. Even if the said feelings tormented me for these past years, even if deep down I searched for some type of closure. Yeah closure, closure...

It's frustrating how my feelings could sometimes contradict themselves. In an attempt to distance myself from those gross recollections, I proceeded to try to work on the project I left off. Walking over to my workspace, my eyes trailed over the streaming rays of sunlight flooding my damp atmosphere. No luck, I can’t focus at all. I thought. Thanks a bunch, Runa.

I glanced at my wrist watch for a moment. Another heavy sigh, I face-palmed. How could I forget? After washing up, I turned on my laptop, settling into a video call to host my weekly one-on-one class. “Hello!” my chirpy apprentice greeted me. Her honey-blonde hair was bouncing off her shoulders, hazel eyes sparkling with pep.

“Sorry for being late, Esmeralda.” I apologized. 

“It’s ‘Thank you for patiently waiting for me.' for you.” She merrily replied. “It’s okay.” Even if I exuded dingy vibes, my student seemed to be tooth-hurting positive nevertheless. Well, she’s not just my student. I knew Esmeralda from my youth. She was just 7 when her family decided to move next door. Being the “nice” neighbor, my mother pushed me to introduce myself over to their daughter. A box of freshly baked cookies on my hands, I still remember her freckled cheeks adorned with a beaming smile.

Esmeralda was heck talented. As if her genius and passion for music wasn’t enough, she had proposed to me to teach her pottery. I refused at first, thinking it would be too much for me. Then the Covid-19 pandemic hit our turf and my schedule was as barren as an abandoned shaft, making me comply with her idea.

I found Esmeralda’s chirpiness annoying, but considering how bleak I felt at the moment, I appreciated it. Despite, you’ll never catch me dead admitting that out loud.

The blonde girl caught me off guard with her next words. “Are you okay?” I blinked, taken aback. Before I could stop myself I asked, “Is it obvious?”. She laughed in response. “You can’t answer a question by asking another one. But yes, it is obvious.”

“At least to me.” she murmured.

I contemplated my decision between sealing my lips shut or spilling everything right there. Feeling quite stuffy with the unpleasantness, I decided on the latter. Although I did keep few of the details to myself. “So you’re telling me your ex invited you to a get-together after 8 years, part of you wants to go but your terrible past with her is holding you back?” She raised her eyebrows and smirked wittily. “Oh, Amina. I never knew you would be confiding in me about your ex lover like this, you’re adorable.”

“Bold of you to call someone 7 years older than you ‘adorable’.” I said. “If you’re going to be this tiresome as usual, just forget it.” I proceeded to flip through our material for the day, ready to drop the subject. “Wait no! Okay, I’ll stop. Listen,” Esmeralda scratched her blonde head, her hand on her cleft chin as she contemplated her next words. “Okay, so here’s what I got to say. Don’t cringe.”

“Go ahead.”

“I feel like love is a lot like pottery.” She started. 

“What do you mean?” Confusion glazed my brown eyes.

“Look at it this way. When you start a project, you first make a clay ball out of this weak chalky powder. Our efforts collectively shapes that mushy ball into a mesmerizing shape of a mug. Then we take a risk and put the mug into a scorching bisque fire, with the hopes of creating something beautiful together. Sometimes we get beautiful results after firing the clay, but at times the result feels frail and chipped. Maybe because we didn’t put much attention into it, or maybe the clay wasn’t meant to last anyways.

“That’s how love goes too. It feels exciting to mold it together with your beloved; then when that love gets tested most of us don’t come back with a strong fondness to pursue it anymore. However those who do persevere create a love fonder than anything in this world.

“Despite the painful past you went through with that woman, remember that both of you once tried. We humans always try; we fail but we always pick ourselves up. We close a chapter of our lives to stop us getting scorched from the brutality of love. It’s okay to be hurt, but never feel that one failed mug takes away all the chances of crafting a shiny new pot.”

Silence followed after Esmeralda’s monologue. I stared agape at her image on my laptop. She gave me a sheepish smile, spoke, “I knew it, it was sappy right? I thought it was an interesting take though-”

“You’re such a kid, but you also have such a neater way to see life.” I interrupted. 

“Who are you calling a kid huh? I am literally 22,” she frowned, crossing her arms. “It would be great if you didn’t see me as one…” something flashed across her perky face which I couldn’t quite comprehend. I ignored it. “Well, are you ready to start our class?” I asked.

“Yes ma’am…” the knitted eyebrows didn’t seem to disappear till we settled in deep at class. Then she started smiling, laughing at every chance she could get.

Before I knew it, I joined in on her silliness too.

***

I smoothened out the slightly creased edges of my white undershirt. Throwing my navy blazer on, I gave myself one last look in the mirror. Hair down and my make-up was perfectly done; the cherry lip tint complimented my lips but most importantly my confidence was there.

Grabbing my keys, I got into my black BMW. Within the next 25 or so minutes, I found myself in front of Runa’s place, my hands growing slightly clammy. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. If this is the only way I can close off the stream of trauma flooding my life every now and then, then so be it. I slammed the car door shut after parking it nearby, beeping my car lock. Walking towards the main door, I buzzed the bell.

The door opened, a man standing in the doorway analyzed me before it clicked into his head. “Damn, hello Amina! Everyone, Amina’s here!” The frizzy brown haired man glanced at the people in the back, smiling as his dimple deepened. “Welcome! If you don’t recognize me I am Rashed.” I smiled back at him. “Long time no see, hope you were well.” I greeted with an air of courteousness. “You bet, come on in!” I followed Rashed inside, stepping into the modest home.

A mahogany table with 8 or so chairs was situated in the middle of the dining room with 5 of the seats being occupied. Bowls of food and bottles of drinks ornate the table, smiling faces hanging above them. Rashed smoothened out his maroon shirt and sat down with the others, “Guys, Amina made it!”. I knew the people seated from my memories, most of them from the after school book club Runa was a part of. If I wasn’t so busy catching up with them, I would’ve drifted into the same traumatic flashback I had been trying to fight the entire evening.

After a bit of small talk, came in the other host of the night. Runa, dressed in a modest off-white dress grinned at me. “Thanks for coming,” She spoke. “You look beautiful.” I said as she pulled me into a hug.

The dinner went smoothly. We talked about our lives and all the memories from the past. Turns out Rashed and Runa were part of the same fellowship where Rashed decided to slip a ring on his lover’s hand. The couple smiled at each other and blushed as the rest of the table decided to tease and congratulate them. I stayed silent.

“Hey Amina! We’re going for a smoke, care to join?” The party asked me as they dragged Rashed along. I refused. “I am staying back too.” responded Runa when she too was asked about it. “I am keeping Amina company.” I emitted a surprised expression. “I’ll be fine alone, really.” Runa ignored me, sitting beside me. An awkward air filled in as soon as the others left. I avoided Runa’s eyes and asked “So what’s up?”

“Ugh, the usual. I've been trying to prepare myself for the wedding and it’s hectic-”

“I came here to end it properly.” I was surprised at myself for being so direct. “Finishing what you were too cowardly to do so.” Runa sat frozen in her chair, becoming silent. It seemed like she was about to change the subject again like the time during our phone call so I beat her to it. “Was it because of the secrecy of our relationship? That you decided to leave me when I was at my lowest? When my family died in that stupid car crash-”

“Amina, I-”

“You ran away from me when I needed you the most even though you promised me forever. Was it worth-”

“There was no future for us.” Runa spoke softly, but there was the jarred sincerity of her words which stabbed my soul the same like 8 years ago. “My parents would’ve never seen us as normal. I needed to become the daughter they deserved.”

“The daughter they deserved, huh.” sticky contempt was dripping over my words, “Why did you invite me to this stupid party? Did you want to rub your ‘perfect life’ all over my face?”

“Amina, you weren’t the only one who wanted to sort things out,” Runa looked at me in the eyes. “I wanted to close this chapter for good too. I handled things the worst way possible. Even if not as a lover, I should’ve stayed by your side as a friend. That’s why I wanted to meet you, apologize to you. I am sorry.” Suddenly, I am reminded of Esmeralda's words: when that love gets tested most of us don’t come back with a strong fondness to pursue it anymore. 

“Right now I still don’t have the room to forgive,” I began, “But a special person of mine told me that sometimes people’s perseverance don't keep up with their love and that’s fine.” I fixed my blazer, dusting it off. “Goodbye Runa, thanks to you I know what I want now.”

With that I left, but with new feelings blooming in my heart. What is this I am feeling? I felt like there was this fondness that was long overdue waking up inside my heart. I rushed inside my car, dialing my phone to the person in my mind. “You home?” I asked. “Yeah, why do you ask?” the other line responded. “Stay where you are.” I hung up and drove as fast as the speed limit allowed me to.

Before I knew it, I found myself in front of the apartment complex. I rushed inside, breathless as I ran to the elevator. With each passing second my mind was drowning in thoughts of her; how my lovesick heart never noticed her. How I always saw her as a child but despite was the one who was mature enough to extinguish the burning feeling of trauma lingering in my heart. It was appalling how she always slipped under my radar.

I pressed the calling ring, patiently waiting for her to answer. Bursting with the new warmth, I stood there with my blossoming heart on my hands. The minute I spent outside waiting felt like eternity and as soon as the door opened I sprung onto Esmeralda’s arms. As strange as how I acted suddenly, Esmeralda just giggled. “What are you doing here? I thought we were social-distancing. ” Her voice laced with tease. I broke the hug and looked her in the eyes. “I never realized how excellently you bloomed from being just the kid next door to a woman who freed me from the pain I thought I could never escape.” 

“Wow, what’s with you sounding so randomly sappy?” She laughed euphoniously.

“Thank you,” I began. “For you, I opened my eyes. That there is a chance of me starting anew, that I could find love again.”

“Will you craft a new pot with me?” I asked her with a smile. Esmeralda looked a little taken aback, her hazel orbs widening by a few centimeters.

Esmeralda stayed silent, grasping the situation in front of her. After a few seconds, she took my hands in hers. With amuse in her eyes, she said, “I like vases better though.”

We both laughed till her neighbors screamed at us to shut up.

FIN