The Thing We Weren't Taught

“So, what’s the catch?”

“I’m an upper middle class, white, professional woman, dripping in privilege, and I still can’t find the courage and security to speak against the misogynistic mindset that drowns me. That’s the fucking catch.”

Everyone looked at each other and nodded quietly. 

“You all know I'm an ER Doctor, and even though I walk into a patient’s room, talk to them about their malady, give them the treatment plan and introduce myself as Dr. Lansing, the nurse tells me later they are still asking when they will get to see the Doctor.”

“Yea, I was talking to a man who was supposed to be my supervisor and mentor once. I shared that I was trying to decide if I should reach out to a prior colleague who was running the hiring committee for a job I was about to interview for. I didn’t want to do anything inappropriate or unethical, ya know? He told me, ‘if you were a man, this wouldn’t be a problem for you, you’d just do it.’ Like worrying about ethics isn’t something men do?” 

“When I was a junior officer in the military I had to tell my Chief not to call me ‘sweetie’. I also ended up writing a formal statement against my Chief (different person) after he drunkenly and viciously disrespected my Officer-In-Charge (also a woman), in front of myself and junior enlisted members. I’m pretty sure that guy has a voodoo doll of me full of pins. He was removed from our deployment.”

“I work at a school, and the athletic director said that boys sports are just better than girls sports. Ironically, he was facilitating a committee on how to improve our welcoming and affirming atmosphere….. Not like that buddy.”

“I was in a leadership workshop, and the facilitator was a woman. She had some strong opinions about one of our group’s initiatives. She didn’t like it because of the limited research that supported it and she clearly articulated that. One of the men in our group commented that she probably had a relationship with someone at that company and got dumped.” 

“Whenever I am out at an event with my husband, people address questions to him and ask him interesting, deep questions about his work. I rarely get looked at in the eye, and when someone does talk to me they never ask me about my career.”

“I was once called fragile by my boss. Admittedly, I had just lost a baby and I was just returning to work. But he was purposely not involving me in something that was directly my responsibility because he said I was fragile.”

The atmosphere in the room was heavy with resentment and frustration.

“How did you respond to all of those situations?”

“I usually just tell the nurse to let them know who I was and repeat the treatment plan I already shared. It happens almost weekly so I just roll my eyes and keep saving lives”

“I didn’t respond well. What do you say when someone says ‘If you were a man…’? I even laughed and agreed with him. Thinking back on it, I feel so angry and embarrassed. To have my concerns completely dismissed as irrelevant was painful and I didn’t know what to do.”

“I told the man I didn’t like being called “Sweetie” and he was horrified with himself. He apologized and stopped doing it. And of course, my other Chief probably still hates me. But I had other people in my unit share with me that I did the right thing and they were thankful for it.”

“Oh man, I was sitting next to the man in the meeting when he said boys sports are better than girls. I actually put my hand on his arm and shook my head. He shut up. I still can’t believe it even came out of his mouth.”

“I’m really disappointed with how I responded. When he said ‘she probably had a relationship with someone there’ I was initially shocked and didn’t respond. But this guy was always joking and he was clearly looking for a laugh. I ended up shaking my head and calling him an asshole, but I did it with laughter in my voice for some reason. He had no idea it was actually really offensive and inappropriate. I wish I could go back and be more direct and professional about it.”

“I know I’m not an assertive person. That’s probably why people don’t talk to me like they talk to my husband. It's just something I notice. I can be better about having meaningful conversations though.”

“Oh boy, I don’t remember how I responded the moment he called me fragile. I know I was mad. I definitely got drunk and bitched about it later that night though. And I ended up inserting myself into the situation, because I needed to be involved. I chose to go back to work because I felt like I was ready to be there. If there was a problem with my performance he should have talked to me about it instead of trying to protect me or whatever.”

The air vibrated with a collective sigh.

“What can we do? Is there a community out there where women and men actually function on equal terms without condescending comments and subtle put downs?”

The last woman of the circle spoke.

“I’m one of the few women in my medical field. It is so much harder to be recognized and encouraged. I see young men get mentored and told they can do it, and they assertively push forward because they have this implicit encouragement from the men above them. I do not have that feeling. I’m not sure why not, but it sounds similar to everything you all just shared. Maybe part of it is my own reticence, but when I really think about it, these guys aren’t walking up to their bosses and saying, ‘Hey I need your encouragement.’ I think the senior leaders see themselves in the young men and reach out to them because they are familiar. I dunno. I’m no expert. I just know that on a daily basis I try to set a good example for the other women, and men, around me, and speak up for myself in the moment.”

“Well, it's just crazy that even with all of our achievement, expertise, confidence and skill we can still be stunned into inaction by completely ignorant, sometimes naive and sometimes malicious, beliefs that creep out in random interactions.”

“I guess that’s the catch. Our achievement, expertise, confidence and skill have prepared us to be really good at our careers, but we haven’t been trained on how to stand up for ourselves in the moment. If we don’t tell people, when it happens, that it isn’t ok, no one will ever really get it.”

“I’m pretty sure that's what everyone was supposed to learn in the cultural sensitivity training we had to sit through.”

“Training only goes so far. We’re human. We learn from experience. We learn best from emotional experience. So if we figure out the balance of shining a light on the comments, without totally shaming the person, then they just might feel uncomfortable enough to think about what happened without getting defensive and dismissing it as ‘another woman being sensitive’.”

“And you say you’re not assertive! Let the psychologist in you shine when you go to parties with your husband! You can talk circles around people.”

“I say we do as Sonja does and try to set a good example and speak up for ourselves in the moment.”

“Hear, hear! To changing the world one infuriating and awkward interaction at a time!”