How to Write a Genuine Romance

All too often, fictional romances end up stilted and hollow or outright creepy. Common romance tropes tell us that surprise kisses and fatal attraction are the building blocks of a good romance, when in reality these tropes miss the very foundation that makes romantic relationships work—love.

Of course, romance can be a truly heartwarming part of your novel. The key is to understand what creates true romantic chemistry, and to avoid the many pitfalls and tropes of the genre. Fortunately, by understanding the various stages of fictional romance, you can write a loving relationship worth swooning over!

The Problem With Romance Tropes

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Let’s get one thing out of the way first:

Sexual attraction doesn’t equal love.

One of the most common mistakes writers make when creating romance between two characters is assuming that a mutual—or even one-sided—physical attraction is enough to justify instant love.

While “love at first sight” definitely exists, there’s more going on behind the scenes than you may think. Even when two characters feel that immediate spark, it’ll take time for them to build a genuinely romantic relationship.

Robbing your readers of the chance to see that relationship grow is a surefire way to leave them disinterested or even disgusted by your romantic duo. For instance, imagine this:

What if Gaston was Belle’s love interest, rather than the villain?

Beauty and the Beast works as a love story because Belle and the Beast learn to love one another through a slow, genuine process. Their relationship feels natural, and they both have to earn each other’s love over time (and no, their story isn’t about Stockholm syndrome).

Contrast that with Gaston, who takes one look at Belle and decides he’s going to marry her, and you can quickly see the difference. Gaston is a creep, and definitely deserves the title of villain—can you imagine a love story where he was Belle’s love interest? Yet, many novels take this trope to heart, basing their love story purely on an instant physical attraction.

This isn’t the only negative romance trope out there either:

• Surprise/unwanted physical advances
• Stalker-like behavior
• Extreme emotional dependence
• Emotional manipulation

Not only do these tropes set a bad example, but they make for worse love stories too. Unfortunately, tons of writers lean on them anyways, all because writing genuine romance is hard. But what makes writing romance such a challenge?

The Challenges of Writing a Realistic Romance

Writing romance is hard because human emotions are hard—and love is one of the most complex emotions we have.

To make matters worse, writing a compelling novel requires you to create conflict, and love stories are no different. There needs to be a certain level of resistance between your lovers to make the story interesting, but there’s a fine line between interesting and harmful levels of conflict. Is it ok for your lovebirds to fight, and at what point does that fight go too far? What is the line for each character, and how much conflict is healthy or ok?

Honestly, writing relationships is one of the most difficult parts of storytelling.

This is why many writers lean on tropes they’ve seen in other stories to make writing romance easier, and society doesn’t help them with this. We tout extreme tales of emotional abuse and dependency as some of the best and most romantic stories around, like Romeo and Juliet. Meanwhile, stalker love interests like Edward from Twilight are revered, while we brush aside the disturbing things they do to their lover.

Though I don’t understand why these tropes are so popular, I can confidently say that there are better examples out there. Astrid and Hiccup from How to Train Your Dragon stand out, as well as Zuko and Katara from Avatar; The Last Airbender and Baby and Johnny from Dirty Dancing.

The trick here is balance—all of these couples come into conflict at various points, but they eventually circle back around to building each other up, not tearing each other down (we’ll get to Zuko and Katara’s more complex relationship later in the article). In fact, many of the best examples of fictional romances follow six distinct stages.

The 6 Stages of a Genuine Romance

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This article is more about writing a genuine, loving relationship than it is about mastering the romance genre. The romance genre and its readers have a ton of expectations, many of which deal more with story structure and pacing than with relationship building.

If you’re trying to write a romance novel, check out the guide below—it’ll still be useful to you—but also read up on some of the obligatory scenes of the romance genre here. 

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Establishing Their Flaws:

Before a relationship can begin, you need to establish both of your soon-to-be lovers’ flaws.

Like I mentioned above, your love story will need a certain level of conflict to engage your readers, and your characters’ flaws will be the core of at least some of that conflict. Their flaws will be what prevent them from developing a strong relationship from the start, and they’ll have to make a genuine effort to overcome these flaws to come together.

Essentially, your lovers will be a catalyst for each other’s growth.

What’s more, their early flaws will not only inject some healthy conflict into your story, but will also give readers a starting point from which to judge their progress. When they complete their character arc and earn happiness at the end of your novel, it’ll feel even more deserved.

Sparking Mutual Interest:

Once you’ve introduced both sides of your romantic duo, it’s time to light the flame of romance!

As we’ve discussed, this is often done through physical attraction, and at this stage that’s ok. The key is that you’ll continue to develop and expand on that relationship going forward, adding some much needed depth. Of course, sexual attraction isn’t the only way to create romantic interest.

Your characters could feel drawn to one another for a variety of reasons:

• Sexual attractiveness
• Intelligence
• Social status
• Wit or charm
• Humor
• Spiritual connection

The form of initial attraction you choose will depend on your story and the personalities of your two characters. Think about what each of them would admire in a person and then show off that quality in their love interest.

Once your pair is interested, you can begin building on their romance.

Creating Some Conflict:

Conflict is the core of every good novel, and that’s no less true for romance.

However, when dealing with a romantic relationship you need to balance conflict and compassion between your characters—or risk damaging their relationship beyond what readers will accept. Fortunately, conflict can come in many forms, and it doesn’t need to be interpersonal conflict.

For instance, your two characters could be separated by the plot of your story. Perhaps social taboo prevents them from being together, or maybe they’re on opposite sides of the world. Likewise, they may be separated by other characters who don’t want them to be together.

Of course, interpersonal conflict can also add some healthy tension to your love story.

Many lovers start out at odds because of their flaws as characters. They may be interested in the relationship, but resist pursuing it because of their own fears of commitment or a lack of trust. They may believe their relationship is wrong (especially if it goes against social norms) or they might have a personality difference.

Hundreds of successful love stories hinge on two characters who bicker like dogs, only to pine for each other in secret!

In the end, the most important thing is to understand where the line is.

How far can each character go before your reader backs out? Violence and abuse have no place in a healthy relationship. Unless you’re purposefully trying to create a negative relationship—in which case this article isn’t for you—then remember that both lovers should have each other’s best interest at heart, even if they disagree about how to achieve that.