A Battle Against The White Blank Page

The white blank page stares at me. We’ve been staring at each other for hours now. I try to type words on it but my fingers halts, hovering inches away from the keyboard, as though there is some invisible barrier stopping me. Then, I put down my hands in exasperation.

This has been going on for three hundred sixty five days. I have had an ongoing battle with an empty blank page for three hundred sixty five days. Most days, I am always defeated and I end up watching a movie or the funny memes on youtube to console myself and forget the shame. Sometimes, I close my laptop window.

But not today. Oh, I’m done giving up. I won’t let this blank page crumble me into pieces anymore. Oh, I’m going to win--

My hands hover on the keyboard. I force it to push it down, let any word seep through my fingertips to make them crawl away on my keyboard. Let the keyboard make the slapping sound it does as the keys meet the motherboard of the laptop (I actually don’t know what’s happening below the keys but I imagine it like that anyway). But no, my hand only hovers above it. 

The white blank page is impenetrable.

I try once again only to end up pulling my hair in frustration. I sag onto my chair and a throaty scream erupts from me. I glare at the white blank page. This time would have been the time I would close my window and wail of how much of a loser I am, of how I couldn’t put anything on the white blank page.

But no, that is not happening today. I pull up my short sleeves to my shoulder. We’re going to have a rough night, this white blank page and I. I will not stop until I conquer its vastness!

“Alyssa?” I hear someone call from downstairs, “It’s almost midnight, come downstairs!”

“I’m coming mom!” I call back, “Just give me more time!” I’m going to kick this white blank page’s ass.

I close my eyes and breathe, in and out. In and out. That’s right. I’m not going to give in to the mind games of this white blank page. In and out, just like they taught me. I throw my arms and stretch my head to the side, back and front. Gotta move those muscles, gotta prepare for the showdown, yeah?

I open my eyes, the white blank page stares at me, unblinking. 

Yep, in and out. In and out, calm and serene. Let’s not show this white blank page we’re having a breakdown, shall we?

I take another deep breath and exhaled. I positioned my hands over the keyboards again.

Don’t get me wrong, I have something to write. The ideas are swirling in my head. Phrases and words float in my head, ready to be caught. If I tiptoe and reach my hands, I can easily catch one. Most of the time though, the next phrase I try to catch is completely unrelated to the first one I caught. How am I supposed to write about a seductive lady stepping into the club that is located inside a whale? 

But they are interesting, believe me! The ideas I have are good! Real good. Never done before! A fresh take! I just need to fish out the ideas that I can’t reach, or I can but I can barely catch it. But I feel the ideas, they’re coming. They’re real good. I just can’t push these keys! That’s the problem! 

I hover one hand above the keys, the other holding the hovering hand. I push it down. It’s even harder, like you’re pushing down your hands on a rock. 

What is wrong with this?!

I groan and bury my face into my hands, my elbows propped on each side of my laptop. 

I want to cry. I just want to write. I remember the times I used to write so fast, the clicking of my keyboard becoming my lullaby as my fingers dance across the keyboard like a professional dancer. It knows where it goes and it fits perfectly and everything is smooth. Time passes by and I don’t even remember myself anymore, it’s just the world and the words bleeding on the screen, the pages getting longer and longer until I feel the human need to stop.

Now, I can barely have an hour with this white blank page. This white blank page that had been home to my deepest secrets, pains and made-up worlds. This white blank page that gave me a second home where I could control everything, where I could do anything and no one would judge me for it. I have lost that home and it hurts. I feel lost. I feel lonely.

It has been almost a year since my keyboard stopped clicking like it used to, since I wrote anything in this white blank page. I don’t know what happened but it just stopped, as though the door had been closed. Everything is there but I couldn’t write. I couldn’t pass through this unseen barrier. I am frustrated I couldn’t do anything. And, as the days went on, fear started to bubble up inside me. I started avoiding it. I started to procrastinate on doing what I used to love and it hurts because I wanted to do it but at the same time I don’t. It’s a tug of war inside. I have ideas that I wanted to expand, ideas that I wanted to shelter in my small little screen, the white blank page. 

But earlier this year I told myself I’ll conquer that threatening fear, the barrier that is slowly making me give in--no, I won’t give in. I tell you, I won’t give up. I promised myself this year to reclaim the home I’ve always had. I promised myself this year to overcome the barriers of the white blank page. I will not end this year in vain. I do not break my word.

I take another deep breath again. Again. Again and again until I push through words in this white blank page.

I position my fingers above my keyboard. I stare at the screen in front of me with intensity.

The white blank page

“Alyssa, come down! It’s time!” My concentration breaks at the sound of my mother’s call.

“Coming!” I yell back.

I stand and pull a fist into the air, a celebratory laugh reverberates all throughout my body as I see a single phrase on the white blank page: ‘The white blank page’.

“Alyssa! It’s New Year!”

“Yes, yes!” I close down my screen and scramble out of my room.

I did not break this--well, last year’s New Year’s Resolution. I just did it on time.

As I stand on our patio, I promise myself I will write a story this year. A short story maybe? Then I will slowly shift into making a novel. Yes, that will be my New Year’s Resolution for 2021. And, I won’t give up until I do so. This year will not end without me making any sort of progress.

Now, what story should I write about?

The white blank page…

*Based on a true story, of some sorts hehe