The Trip to the Museum

It’s Saturday morning and Oscar is getting ready to watch Matlock. Matlock is Oscar’s favorite show. He watches it so much that Dolores can’t stand to listen to it anymore. At the sound of the theme song, Dolores screws up her face and clenches her fist. She barks, “Oscar! You’re not going to watch that show again, are you? I swear you’ve seen every episode at least fifty times!” With his eyes glued to the TV, Oscar mumbles, “I’ve never seen this one. This one’s new.”

Dolores rolls her eyes and drops her chin to her chest. “Oscar dear, let me ask you a question. If Matlock went off the air in 1995, how in God’s little green world could this be a new episode? Think about it!” 

Oscar scratches his cheek. His eyes dart around the room, trying to find a good answer. “Well, perhaps I’ve just never seen this one.”

 Dolores strolls over to the folding table beside Oscar’s chair and picks up the TV remote. “I doubt that very much.” She snaps off the TV. “ Now go and shave and change your clothes because we’re going to the museum.”

“The museum? What about Matlock?” Oscar whines.   “It’s the marathon weekend!  Matlock all day long!” Plus, I love Andy Griffith.  He’s such a good actor !”

Dolores’s eyes nearly pop out of her head. “Good actor?   He always plays the same character. A country bumpkin who’s actually clever!  He’s gotten good at it. He uses the same mannerisms and gestures in every part! We’re going to the museum!” 

Oscar is in a bad mood now and tries to be obstinate. Well, alright, but I don’t see why I have to change just for that!” Dolores folds her arms. “Because you look like a bum. Your shirt is missing a button, causing your belly to stick out.  Plus, your jeans are so old that they are threadbare at the knees. Now go change.  The museum opens at ten.”

After fifteen minutes, Oscar reappears. Dolores smiles as she pushes back some stray hairs on Oscar’s balding head. “There, you look very nice.” Oscar fusses and pats his hair down himself. “Why the museum?”

“Because they are introducing some new dinosaurs in the prehistoric exhibit. I want to see them.”

“Why? Did you forget what they looked like when you used to play with them? Ha, ha, ha” Dolores ignores Oscar. “They say they found the bones right here in Springfield! Isn’t that something!”

“I guess so. Which one did they find? Dino from the Flintstones?” Oscar chuckles at his own joke.

“ Oscar!  Don’t ruin this for me. I’ve been stuck in the house for weeks, and I’m looking forward to this. Please, let’s just have a good time, okay?” Oscar reluctantly agrees. 

They are nearly out the door when Oscar says, “I’d better check in first.”

“Now?’ exclaims Dolores. “Why didn’t you take care of that while you were getting ready?” Dolores is upset because she knows how long Oscar takes to use the toilet. Oscar hunches up his shoulders. “I didn’t have to go then.”  ‘Well, go now and make it quick.” Dolores mutters under her breath, “Like that will ever happen.”

While she waits for Oscar, Dolores roams into the parlor and turns on the TV. There before her, the TV screen is filled with the face of Andy Griffith. “Akk! Matlock!”

After what seems like an eternity, Oscar enters the parlor, still tucking his shirt into his pants. Dolores automatically asks, “Did you spray?” Oscar replies, “Why? There’s not going to be anybody here. You ready to go?” Dolores is glued to the screen. “In a minute. I want to see how this ends.” Oscar looks at the TV and sees it’s Matlock. He is about to say something when a sly smile creeps across his face. He decides to keep his mouth shut. Fifteen minutes later the show ends.  Oscar smugly asks, “So, what do you think? Pretty good, uh?” “Not really.” Dolores drones. “I knew who it was right from the start. It’s just that it seemed there might be a surprise twist at the end, but there wasn’t. Let’s go.” Oscar’s frowns.  As they enter the car, Dolores asks him if he locked all the doors.  “Of course!” Oscar growls. 

“Are you positive?”

“Yes!” Oscar insists, even though now he’s unsure if he has locked the porch door.

“Even the porch door?”

“Oh, for God’s sake, I’ll lock them all again. Okay?” Dolores crosses her arms and leans back, “That will be nice. Thank you, dear.” About ten minutes later, Oscar returns to the car.

“What took you so long?”

“I had to go pee,” Oscar replies while hooking up his seat belt. Dolores pinches the bridge of her nose and sighs. Oscar turns the ignition key and, at the same time, his stomach growls. Dolores would have ignored it if it weren’t for her own stomach growling. Oscar seems delighted and asks, “Are you hungry too? Let me make some sandwiches for us, and we can eat them while watching Matlock. It’s a marathon, you know. Matlock all day long.”

“Yes, I know, you already told me, and no, we’re not going to eat at home. This is my day out, and we will go to the museum, even if it kills me. What’s the closest fast food place to the museum?” Oscar bites his bottom lip and thinks. “Taco Bell is the closest.” Dolores isn’t crazy about Mexican food, but Taco Bell isn’t real Mexican food. “Okay, we’ll grab a little something there and then spend the rest of the afternoon at the museum. Deal?’ “It’s a deal,” grins Oscar.

The restaurant they go to is one of those that is both a Taco Bell and a KFC. Dolores decides to have the five-dollar box from KFC. “That sounds like it is just enough. What are you going to have, Oscar?” The line grows longer as Oscar studies the menu board.   Dolores demands,  “Oscar! People are waiting! Order something.”   “Um, I’ll, um, I’ll have the Volcano Combo, please. Oh, and a Doctor Pepper!” Oscar smiles triumphantly.

As they sit in their booth, Dolores looks at Oscar’s order and asks, “What the devil is that? It looks downright deadly.”

“It’s a Volcano Combo. Oscar then describes what is said on the menu board. “You get one Volcano Taco of seasoned beef, shredded lettuce, a three-cheese blend, and Lava Sauce in an iconic fiery red Volcano crunchy taco shell. The other is a Double Beef Volcano Burrito wrap of seasoned rice, seasoned beef, a three-cheese blend, reduced fat sour cream, crunchy Fiesta tortilla strips, and Lava Sauce in a warm flour tortilla. Sounds good, don’t it?” 

“Sounds more like the Volcano of Death Combo to me,” Dolores grimaces.

Oscar dives into his meal enthusiastically, savoring every bite. Dolores watches in amazement as he devours massive bites of the deadly concoction. She looks around to see if anyone they know is watching, afraid that Oscar will soon be licking his plate clean. Oscar finishes his meal and leans forward. He covers his mouth with his hand to try and suppress a belch, but it can still be heard throughout the restaurant. Oscar removes his hand, and sighs in relief.  Dolores swears she sees smoke escaping from his lips. Now, it is off to the museum.

Not long after entering the museum, Dolores remembers why she dislikes taking Oscar to places like this. He turns into a big four-year-old. He wanders off on his own without letting her know where he is going. He talks to strangers, bothering their visit, and touches things he’s not supposed to. At one point, Dolores stamps her foot and sternly demands that Oscar put the bust of Julius Caesar back on its pedestal. However, she did get to see the dinosaur exhibit, and Oscar also seemed to enjoy it.

It is close to closing time, and people are starting to leave. The second floor where they are is nearly empty. As Dolores and Oscar approach the top of the staircase, the Volcano Combo starts to erupt deep down in the very pit of Oscar’s bowels.  Dolores looks at him to see why he stopped so suddenly when she hears the deep rumbling and gurgling emerging from Oscar’s gut. Oscar’s face is pale and covered in sweat. His eyes are large and pitiful. Oscar stammers, “I-I-I’ve got to go! NOW!”

Dolores pleads, “But they’ll close in just a few minutes, Oscar!” “NOW!” Oscar demands in a high-pitched tone. Frustrated, Dolores moans, “OH, alright!  GO!  GO!” 

Oscar turns slowly, his butt cheeks squeezed as tightly as possible and starts taking small quick steps toward the restrooms.   Dolores screams, “RUN!” Oscar takes off running while holding his behind with both hands.

 Looking around, she spies a chair and decides to sit and wait.  She hears loud, thunderest noises coming from the men’s room.  Calling, she asks Oscar if he is alright and reminds him of the time. “You can’t take forever, Oscar. Hurry it up!”   A very weak Oscar replies, “Yeah, yeah.” Then she hears more rumbling and Oscar crying, “Oh God!”

Dolores awakens to Oscar shaking her shoulder. “Dolores, wake up! I think we’re in trouble.” Dolores’s eyes fly open with a start. “What’s happened?  What did you do?” Oscar snaps back, “I didn’t do anything. But look.” Dolores steps out into the main room only to find everything in darkness. “Oscar? Is this what I think it is?” Oscar shakes his head like a child who has just been caught doing something naughty. Dolores tightens her lips and glares at Oscar through tiny slits. “Oh, this is great! Just great! Now we have to go and find the night watchman to let us out. How embarrassing! You and your epic dumps!” Dolores crosses her arms, fuming.

 Oscar clears his voice. “Uh, Dolores? Sweetheart? I’ve already looked everywhere, and there seems to be no night watchman on duty.” Oscar laughs nervously.

“WHAT! You mean we are locked in here for the night!”

“I’m afraid so,’’ Oscar admits, taking Dolores’s hand. “I mean, it might not be so bad. After all, we have the whole place to ourselves, right?” Dolores sighs and softens a bit as she squeezes Oscar’s hand. “I guess you’re right.  Nothing we can do about it now.” Dolores looks at Oscar to ask a question she already knows. “I don’t suppose you brought that precious cell phone of yours, did you,” Oscar says nothing. “I didn’t think so. Well, the museum looks nice in the low light, kind of romantic, you know?” Holding hands, the two start roaming the museum together.

Joe, the janitor, unlocks the museum door to start his day. When he reaches the second floor, he hears a strange sound coming from the prehistoric exhibit. As he rounds the corner, he is surprised to see a man and woman sleeping in the cave of the ” Cave Dwellers.” They are covered in furs, and the man snores while the woman sleeps with her head on his chest, smiling contently.