So, I Stopped

Writing is never easy. At least for someone like me. I have been trying to find what really is my goal. What is it really that I want? Which hobby should I keep, or should I say, which hobby would keep me? Let me start from the beginning.

Age 3, year 2002. Mom’s been teaching me to sing. She was a church choir member and she want us, including my older sister to be like her. I did not understand back then, why do we have to sing? She said it is to use our “talent” to praise the Lord. At the age of 4, I started attending pre-school at a catholic church. They always ask me to sing for programs, ceremonies and even school events. Age 5, second year in pre-school, they sent me to different contest as their representative. Winning awards made me feel good. However, at the age of 9, on my third grade, I decided I do not want to sing anymore. This is because I stopped receiving recognition from it. I stopped receiving awards as well. Growing up, I thought I was the best in singing, as they always say. But then I learned that there are a lot of kids who has more beautiful voice than me. So, I stopped.

Age 11, on my fifth grade, I made a new hobby, which is drawing. This was because our teacher made us draw for one of our activities and they said I have a unique way of drawing. So, they asked me to be a representative for drawing contest from which, I did not win. This made me realize that maybe drawing is not for me. So, I stopped.

Age 14, I am already a high school student. They opened an archery club at school. Then there’s me, thinking that it was cool, I decided to join without my parent’s knowledge. This I enjoyed the most. I sneak out at weekend to practice. It did not last long until my parents found out since I was using my school allowance to pay for the sessions. They were so mad, and they told me to stop. I really wanted to continue so I begged for our trainer to let me train for free, in exchange, I will train hard and represent the school. I promised to become the best and I also started to help the trainer to teach new students. It paid off when I reached the national level where I did not only represent our school, but our province and region as well. This made my parents proud, so they decided to buy me my own bow and arrows and let me continue training.

Age 15, I had to move to another school because I got too focused on training that I have forget about my studies. They were so disappointed. They say that it was a waste that I had to let go of a prestigious school for a hobby. It did not stop me though, I continued to train and study at the same time. Struggling from focusing on school, I decided to join the school paper’s writers. They made me a feature writer. This happened while I was training for archery and studying. I was excused multiple times during class. One is for writing the school paper and competing as a feature writer and one is for training and competing as an athlete. Being one of the varsity players, I gained a lot of recognition. Being one of the school paper’s writers added my fame as a high school student. It was a game of being famous, where with fame, you will be on the top, where on the top, no one would dare to bully you. No one would dare to touch you.

Yet again, it was not enough. So, I joined yet another club, the dance club. I was discovered by our physical education teacher when we danced waltz. My partner and I were awarded second place. My career as a dancer did not bloom yet, but I decided to move into another school again. This time, I went to another city, leaving everything I earned. Me being an athlete, me being a writer, me being a dancer. So, I stopped.

Age 16, on my tenth grade, it was a new life and a new school. I knew no one, I was a stranger to everyone. I thought it might be good to join clubs again. But I could not join any clubs because the school was too big for me. It made me feel anxious. From writing for school paper, I started to write stories and poetry. This time, I kept it for myself and never shared it to anyone else. I also became shy and felt that I’m no good compared to everyone. I started to learn to play an instrument by my cousin’s old and tuneless guitar. Realizing that most of my classmates were good at instruments, and I would not stand a chance, it made me lose hope. So, I stopped.

Age 17, on my first year of being a senior high school student, I started reading. From e-books to buying novels. I was so into fiction, let alone fantasy, horror, and mystery. I had fun reading but did not last because I got distracted into trying to be a writer again. I wanted to write and become a famous writer. I started submitting stories from different Facebook pages, but I was never featured. I was so discouraged. So, I stopped.

We once had performance activities where we had to choose for a certain skill or hobby to perform as a group. I was so torn between sing and dance, and comic strips. But my friends chose to sing and dance, so I decided maybe I should just tag along. I helped in choreographing the dance and making the song. I received the sense of recognition I longed to feel again. I thought it might be good to come back to my old hobbies. But no one supported me when I decided to do so. So, I stopped.

Years passed, age 19, already a college student. During the vacation, I made a new hobby, learning a new language. I chose Korean or Hangul mainly because I wanted to work in Korea as a teacher after I graduate. But I got too busy at school. So, I stopped. I met new friends, there were all good at dancing. I decided to join them and maybe dance again. But they were too great while I felt nothing but a loser trying to tag along. So, I stopped. Some friends are good at singing. When they found out that I used to sing, they formed a band with me as the vocalist. I got so hyped up and started to sing again. But my voice was all shaky. Maybe because it’s been so long since the last time I sang. We decided to join the school band. But I did not attend the auditions because I had panic attack. One of my friends joined the school contest. She was deeply loved by a lot of people. When there is a school activity, they always ask her to sing. I was so jealous so I thought, maybe I should start to work on my voice again. Then one day, my bandmates decided to join the battle of the bands at school. When they informed me, I got so excited. But my excitement was gone when they told me that the vocalist will be the other friend and not me. I was deeply hurt. The betrayal I felt was so great. So, I stopped.

Age 22, year 2021. I am now on my third year in college. With no certain goal or direction. Still trying to find where I really belong. Looking back, I was so obsessed of recognitions, awards, praises. So obsessed that I turned my hobbies into a competition. I wanted to be on the spotlight badly that I ended up being stuck behind the scenes. It made me realize that there is no such thing as “bad” when it comes to hobbies or skills. There’s only insecurity and obsession. It made me realize that fame is never an event for a lifetime. But only a phase to make you realize that life would still have ups and downs even when you achieve something big.

From time to time I still write stories, cover songs, or draw. I gave myself high hopes and expected that with one try, I will become successful. Now I am left with only insecurity and self-consciousness. Maybe it was never gone, the hobbies never left me. Maybe, it was I who left them. For now, I decided to enjoy my hobbies and not compare myself to other people who are better than me. So, I stopped.