Living with fear and guilt.

We were both 17. a typical college sophomore student who were the best of friends ,growing up together in a small, peaceful and calm southern town of Dalaguete , Cebu Philippines. Enjoyed childhood memories despite having an opposite lifestyle .

Keisha , was an only child and born with a silver spoon , liked parties a lot and goes on the latest styles of clothes. I on the other hand grew up being poor, simple living but have a happy close knit family who shared what my mom serves on our table with 6 mouths to feed . But despite everything, still we were able to go to school , encouraging us that education is our stairway to a better future.

Keisha and i enjoyed each others company . Walked with me through bushy trees and dusty road, and prefered waking up early with an alarm clock ringing ,just wanting to catch up the time that i begin to walk . For an hour and a half journey to school, still we drop by to climb trees and get guavas or any fruit that we see on our way. Being naughty at times we'd lovr to do which she says can makes her strong for she could get fresh air and a fun way to be normal kids . Its a good exercise as what she told me when asked why she doesnt want her dad or mom to drive her to school.

Still there are instances when her dad would hurriedly get on his car and wanting us to get inside especially when the weather isn't good. . For me, i have the feeling of a princess sitting next to another princess from another kingdom.

Those were the days ,the years have passed, an our story during our elementary and high school years. We feel attached to each other , remembering the time when we both cried, knowing that Keisha would have to study .

. She cried seeing me in tears ,but her mom assured both of us that she gets home every weekend. "It only takes less than two hours by car." She kissed Keisha and a luggage that their helper carried and opened the back hood of their van. I felt a sigh of relief,hugged each other and waved goodbye.

The year went by without knowimg how time flies so fast. Still we remained the best of friends, getting back every Friday or some early Saturdays with something special for me. This is how thoughtful keisha was with a bar of imported chocolate, fashion earrings and bracelet, sometimes stationeries or stickers for our collection ,or a povket book which she knows that i love to read. I had to save some guavas or tamarind fruit for her too, so she gets to eat what i ate as well. I knew by then that she met someone in school that semester cos she tells me about our crushes and how she met her first love Winston ,but just didnt last long.

Once again its a Friday night,I waited and got excited to see her again. It was getting late and I slept beside our window to see lights from outside and would wake up when she's home. At times she goes straight to our small hut , but then she never got home that night. She arrived early Saturday , telling me that her parents left for a business trip to Manila , and wanted me to come along with a guy she met in school I knew that she was heartbroken a week ago and wanted her to feel better this time , so no blah, blah blah this time . A dinner date then a disco party for the night with some of his friends and me.

We took the bus before 6 pm after an early dinner at her house. She wanted me to look good and sexy , made me wear one of her cool skinny jeans and a gray shirt while she was in a mini skirt and a sleeveless black blouse with a dark and light denim jacket for both of us. " Its windy and cold inside the disco pub' , she whispered on my ear. The night is ours and we both sniled.

Jacques was at the bar with his friends, while Keisha and I were huddled at a table. As in a typical pick up scene, Jacques came over with some guys and introduced themselves. Keisha admits she immediately thought Jacwues was cute and she was right. They were a good match i said to myself. We chatted, got some finger foods and chips, drank wine , a bottle of beer , anither glass of wine again and then started dancing. Keisha and Jacques seems so happy ,feeling love i guess , a wine on their table. I saw them dancing together and seems like a nice , real gentleman.

The evening wore on, offered another glass and again another one. I started to feel dizzy , walked to the ladies rest room so tipsy. The lights went blurry and i could no longer breath. Slowly i managed to get back to our table and that waa it. That was the last thing i remembered that night.

Keisha still was enjoying the night, glasses of wines and beer here and there after each dance. Then she couldnt hardly walk letting Jacques guide her ahile holding her to our table. I was sitting maybe with my eyes close. The room seems to be turning and revolving too keisha said and suddenly... everything turned black.

I remembered walking along with both Jacques and keisha , with his hands holding us both. Maybe someone helped him get us inside Jacques car and on my mind .maybr we were heading for a bus ride for home.

Jacques drove us to a drive in motel and got 2 rooms I slept like a baby as soon as i knew that it was a bed. So soft and maybe felt so comfortable in an airconditioned room and never knew what was going on. Dozed off i guess.

In another room was keisha and Jacques . Jacques could have strted what he wanted to do that night. Feeling so cold and reaching out for her blanket, Keisha woke up trying to find one and... Jacques on top of her. Stunned, she

instinctively tried to get up but he locked her legs with his and pinned her wrist down - overpowering her with the weight of his whole body. Keisha called out my name a few times but Jacques immediately covers her mouth with his palm and could utter no words. He kissed her here and there,.

Keisha begged " please stop "... " please dont do this". But it waz like Jacques couldnt hear her - like she was'nt even there. He immedately pushed his.body and entered her with his erect p***s . Moving his body up and down, soft sounds he made, it was.like he just had to get it inside her , then slowly his movement stopped. At first she was so schocked .She was speechless. She wanted to scream but her voice could'nt get out. Then after a few thrust, keisha started wailing and her body aches so bad. Her legs felt numb but managed to get up. Fesling drowsy ,her head aches and wailed again. She felt ashamed of herself being naked ,nothing on and Jacques still beside her wanting to touch her again. This time she knew that she had to stand uo and Jacques got her panty and bra on the side lamp and handed it, Feeling so dirty of herself and ashamed, Jacques tried helping her get dressed but pushed him back to bed. He kept saying he was sorry..." Im really sorry " and told keisha to hit him, slap him so hard so she could get back at him. She just broke down and cried, wanting to go home.

Jacques asked her if he could drive her back home but she told him to leave right away. He got up and put on his briefs with his manhood again while closing her eyes.

He then walked to the door and told keisha that i was in another room, just beside their room and upon knowing where i was , yelled at him to go away and get lost. Jacques handed him money for our fare which she refuses to accept but never knew that the money was placed in my small bag with a small note written " im sorry" Kesha didnt see him leave cos she had her mind on me

Now alone, keisha got out of the room and knocked on a door guessing if it was where i was. I heard a knock and my name called ,stood up still drunk it seems and that was the only time i knew that i had slept and passed out. Keisha broke down, crying and told me her story. I felt ashamed and helpless . I was shocked and upset at myself for not doing enough to protect my bestfriend, not lashing out at Jacques , not being able to defend my clasest friend who was like a sister to me. I was so mad at myself for being too drunk not even thinking where it would lead us to. It felt good to drink and enjoy at times but has to have limitatiins.

I got up, so angry and told Keisha " lets go to the hospital , have her checked and examined then report the.incidemt to the police. She held my hands and told me that she wanted to hit Jacques but for some reason she couldnt ger angry with him. It was also her fault for trusting so much and for drinking too much. That was the biggest mistakes that we both did. I cried with her , hugging her and encouraged her not to blame herself , I told her to be brave enough and that we will file a case but then ...begged me not to tell anyone.She didnt want her parents to find out and did'nt want them to feel wrong in trusting her with so much freedom. She had been given everything that she wanted . I listened to her and begging me to keep everything a secret. It was a lesson and besides she honestly like him and maybe , she chose to go with him and letting him feel thaf i wanted him. I could be partially blamed since we were together that night and did nothing to save her. After we promised ourselves that this secret sill remain forever, I did'nt know what to do that time, didnt know what to say and doesnt have the right words to tell her. I felt guilt and lots of regrets. I am her bestfriend no matter what, and im afraid that keisha would think of another thing if i let her parents know.

Theres always guilt and regrets but i have to make keisha feel strong and help her move on. Our friendship will stay forever. I always make it a point to let keisha know that i care.

Then we both finished college, Her paremts wanted her to continue their business in our town . She found someone and got married while i married an old time friend of ours. We both talk about family life and for the firat time in my life she told me "Theres so much to be happy about now" " i have learned to let ir go" and we hugged each other, shared new jokes, laughed and giggled again.

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