Mirroring

'This writer's block is getting out of my hand', Neil thought. This has been the 5th night in a row he had sat down to write but the words seem to have locked themselves up in his mind. On top of that his frustration is starting to show as he obsessively taps his pen on his desk. The pen was a gift from his grandfather, one of many he had received after he graduated college. Although most of them are stored away somewhere, this pen always holds a special place in his heart. Maybe because his grandfather was one of those few people who actually believed in him and even encouraged him to choose writing as a profession. He knew how hard it was to be a professional writer. He started small with articles and short stories here and there. After sometime he sat down to write his first ever book.

"The underlying hypocrisy" reached the all time bestsellers list within 2 weeks. He had received a lot of praise and critics equally. The confidence that was slowly started to fade, found its way back.

Since then "Disturbing thoughts", "Love is but a summer breeze", "Many memories later", "The final death" are still famous all over the world.

Neil stood up. 'Not today', he told himself. He had no idea what was wrong with him or why cannot he concentrate on writing something. Eyes drooping from the lack of sleep, mind jumbled up with thoughts he lit a cigarette. As the smoke enters he closed his eyes as if he could feel the smoke travelling thorugh his oesophagus and nicotine taking a hold of his mind. Nowadays midnight cigarettes were a new habit of his accompanied by soft music and star gazing.

'Such a cliche', he muttered.

His thoughts seemed to fly away with every puff he exhales. Nostalgia is a dangerous thing, according to Neil. He always thought it clouds any judgement and render a person useless.

Maybe that's why he doesn't dwell in past but since the past few days with every cigarette he smoked he was overwhelmed with a certain feeling. He was not able to put a finger on what the feeling was exactly but he couldn't brush it off either.

Aimless thoughts are vicious. They are like poison ivy, taking over your mind so quickly it's impossible to rip them out. Usually Neil has a strong hold over his thoughts and emotions but.....

'You are repeating the same thing over and over.' Neil jumped up, startled.

'Who was that?'

He listened carefully, nothing. The lack of sleep had started to take a toll on him. He sighed and ran his hands down his face.

'You should sleep.' There it is again! That voice. He turned frantically trying to find out who it was when suddenly his eyes locked on himself. Well not him obviously but his reflection in the mirror. He blinked a couple of times trying to confirm if this is an early stage of psychosis.

'You are not going crazy. I am very much real', he reflection replied with a snarky voice.

'W-wh-who', Neil realised his throat is closing up with fear as he can barely voice a basic question.

'Don't worry I am not a ghost. I know how much you are scared of those', the reflection smirked.

'Then what are you?!' Neil was amazed with himself for not losing consciousness.

'I am you or to be precise "the other you".'

'What is this some kind of Coraline shit?' Neil asked irritatedly.

The reflection doubled over with laughter. The sheer mocking tone of the laughter jabbed Neil hard enough for him to clench his teeth. This thing, whatever it is appeared out if nowhere, scaring him out of his wits, now stood mocking and laughing at him and the worst part being it looked exactly like him.

'Stop laughing and tell me clearly. What are you?'

'As I said earlier I am "the other you". You can interpret it as you wish. I have many names ranging from soul, mind, heart, unconscious, etc etc. You can call me whatever you feel like. It's up to you.'

'Okay then what do you want from me?'

'Me? Why would I want anything from you?'

'Then what are you doing here?'

'I am here because you have been calling out to me.'

'I didn't call you. Why would I call you?'

'Oh I don't know, maybe you need my help to figure out what is wrong with you, why you cannot seem to concentrate and why your thoughts are going haywire.'

'How do you know about all that?' Neil was stunned.

'I thought we were past the stupid questions but if you need me to spell everything out for you then here it is, I know all about you and your thoughts, sometimes even when you are unaware of them. Oh and that also includes your secrets. So don't even bother lying or hiding anything because you are never going to be successful.'

'You said you are here to solve my problem. How are you going to do that?'

'I never said I was going to solve your problem. What I meant was you and I are going to work together to solve this problem you are facing. For that to happen you need to stop running.'

'Running? I am standing right in front of you.'

'Not that kind of running. You are running from me, have been doing this for quite a while now.'

'I have no idea what you are talking about. All I know is I am not running and this conversation is not leading anywhere so I think you should leave.'

'There you go again. Running. Let me tell you in your language. Don't run away from the storm inside you.'

'There is no storm.'

'I told you earlier no point in hiding anything from me as I already know everything.'

'What do you want me to say? Huh? I forgot to check my phone on my book signing event and my grandfather passed away. I left my family to prove that I can live on my own terms. I walked out from a perfectly fine relationship because I needed something new. I stopped talking to my friends because I was too busy with myself and now I have no one. I am completely alone wallowing in self pity and it's all my fault. I was so focused on proving everyone wrong and establishing my worth I became the most selfish person alive.' Neil stopped. He was panting. He left the room to go into the kitchen to fetch some water.

'How did that feel?'He was back again. Neil looked up to the glass cabinet. There he was, the reflection.

'What?'

'How did you feel when you came to know your grandfather passed away?'

'I don't know. Couldn't think straight, took the first flight home. I was too late. The funeral already happened. I couldn't even see him for one last time.' His words choked him.

He thought of those lazy summer afternoons when him and his grandfather used to tell each other made up stories. That was a game his grandfather played with him. They had to continue adding sentences one after the other to make up stories of their own. Neil remembered being very good at that game. Maybe that was when he decided to add sentences and create his own stories.

'You have to forgive yourself', the reflection said breaking his train of thought.

'How can I forgive myself? I am not worthy of forgiveness. For a selfish, miserable man like me this is the rightful punishment. Today I have proven to everyone what I am worthy of but on the way I lost everything that matters.'

'It was important for you to prove yourself. That's why you did it and as for selfishness. You are living in a selfish world. If you didn't care about yourself then you probably would've ended up in your family business. Amongst everyone but miserable.'

'If what I did was right then why do I feel so bad?'

'That's because of your virtue and values. The values imparted in you by the society to prevail it's homogeneity. The values that taught you to care for others are the same ones that taught you to feel bad. The very fact that you are feeling bad is a proof that you are a good person and your socialization was successful.'

'Why the hell are you sprouting sociology all of a sudden?'

'That is maybe your fault for reading so many sociology books for your research regarding the new book.'

Neil pondered for a few moment.

'So what you are saying is being a selfish person is right call and the fact that I am feeling bad proves that I am a good person?!'

'Yes exactly', the reflection replied.

'You are insane. That's just a justification of being a screw up. In that logic everyone would be right in their own place thus there shouldn't be any punishment given. It's the same as justifying all your actions by the excuse that I had a traumatic childhood. Nobody's childhood is perfect and if it is then there's a problem too.'

'Yeah you are probably right. So what do you want to do about your problem? You obviously cannot concentrate on your work if your mind is this messed up with unordered thoughts.'

'I want to feel this. So that I don't forget what it feels like and that's why I won't lock away. You only told me to stop running. I am done running.'

'You think you can survive this?' The reflection asked skeptically.

'You said you know me better than myself. What do you think? I have survived so far.'

'I don't want you get hurt yourself.'

'How roles change! A few moments before you were sounding so confident and now when I have taken a stand you are afraid.'

'I don't want to get hurt that's why I came. I came because whatever you feel I feel too.'

'You can't go through life without feeling hurt. The storm is inside me so I have to go through it and hope to come back alive.'

'Good luck with that. Now get some sleep. It's almost dawn.'

'Thanks'

The reflection was no longer there. Neil felt a strange calmness enveloping him. He can hear his thoughts clearly now. As night becomes day he can finally see the truth.