BOOK OF CHOICE

Book of Choice

“God, what if they keep records of people who buy these books. Oh, that’s silly of me, of course they don’t. I’m just scaring myself. I’ll find the book and take it to the counter as though it’s something people do all the time.”

As I didn’t know what aisle to look in and I didn’t want to ask for directions so as not to attract attention, I was going to pretend that I wanted to look at every aisle in the store. I would in fact be a browser. A very dedicated browser. This would lengthen the time I spent in the store, but I figured it was a pretty clever idea.

The first aisle I came to was the children’s aisle. That would look good for me. I could be buying my granddaughter a book; except I didn’t have a granddaughter. But I could still realistically ooh and aah over the books anyway. I had fun looking at the titles of the books. It brought back memories of my childhood and how I enjoyed these books. As I came to the end of the aisle and around the corner several children were being read a book by a store employee. Their excited expressions and giggles made me smile. Still smiling I casually moved to the Mystery Section and started reading titles.

A large woman wearing a straw hat with strawberries on it, thought I was smiling at her and began a conversation.

“Oh, I am just so excited. I just found the latest Scottish mystery by Hannah Reed. I just love her books.”

I smiled unwillingly and nodded my head and started to move away, but she wasn’t finished. “Have you read her books? They’re so good and such lovely descriptions of Scotland you feel like you’re right there. I just have to go to Scotland now. Have you been to Scotland? Oh look honey, look at that sky. I bet it’s gonna rain and I just have to be away home before that. “

This time my smile was sincere; she was leaving. “Thank you, rain.”

I walked up and down the next 10 aisles and then like a miracle, I found the aisle I was looking for. The book had to be in this section, so I started reading titles. Then out of the corner of my eye I saw a store employee with a small, red goatee, and wide cuff grey trousers heading my way. I stopped looking at the books and pretended to be fumbling with my phone hoping he’d not talk to me. I willed him to go away, but no, he came cheerfully bounding right up to me anyway. Honestly, where were store employees when you really did have a question?

“What are you looking for? May I help you find something?”

           “Oh God no,” I blurted out before I could stop myself. I felt like the Dustin Hoffman character in The Graduate when he was approached by the concierge asking him if he was at the hotel for an affair. “I mean of course no thank you. I’m looking for a book for my mother.” “Oh good Lord, why did I say that?” and to cover myself I did an Oscar Award winning look of surprise. “Oh, my goodness, I must be in the wrong aisle. My mother wants a book on gardening. She just moved and now she has a big garden,” I babbled on. “And I thought what a lovely housewarming present a book like this would be.” And I started to move away.

           “Do you know where the gardening section is?”

           “Oh yes thank you.” I probably knew where every book in the store was after my searches. I rolled my eyes as I walked away. “Good going,” I told myself. “Definitely bring attention to yourself when you’re trying not to.”

I waited until Mr. Wide Cuff was out of sight and then feeling ridiculous, I stealthily crept back to my aisle and continued my search. But I kept looking around to make sure Mr. Wide Cuff didn’t find me again. The number of titles was huge. “How on earth am I going to choose a book from this lot?” But gradually I began to get a hint of what book I should choose. And after looking at title after title I finally found a suitable book.

“Okay, now you walk straight to the checkout counter without hesitating or looking around because you are sure to look guilty.”

But then I realized that anyone could see the title of my book. Oh no, what to do? And then I had a burst of genius. I would buy a small tote bag and hide the book inside until I got to the counter. And then a second flash of genius came to me. I walked over to the gardening section, picked the first book I could find and put it in the crook of my arm. Now if Mr. Wide Cuff saw me, he’d actually believe I was looking for a gardening book.

I got to the counter and there was a line. A long line. I could feel my stomach tightening.

“Stop it,” I told myself. “All anyone can see is your gardening book.”

I held it up so I could see the lovely flowers on the cover, which was a wee bit of a mistake.

“‘Oh, aren’t you ambitious. An English garden.”

I turned around to face the woman talking to me. I looked at the title of the book. “Ah, yes, an English garden.”

“Oh, we were in England last year and we saw the most darling gardens you could imagine, but I could never take on such a task as recreating one. Aren’t you brave?”  

I gave what I hoped was a sincere laugh. “Oh, no I could never manage that. This is actually for my mother. She just moved and I thought it would make a nice housewarming present because now she has a big garden.”

            The woman smiled and was just about to keep talking when her cell rang. Talk about being saved by the bell. When it was my turn to pay, I put the gardening book on the counter along with the tote bag and then practically whispering, I told her there was another book inside the bag. This was her cue to pull it out and look at the title.

“Oh, this is one of our most popular books.”

           “What? Really?”

           “Oh yes, I have to keep re-ordering it. Is this for you or your husband?”

           I tried to sound casual as though this was just another ordinary conversation, however surreal it really was. “No, my mother, but the husband idea is tempting.”

           “Oh honey, if you have a choice, go with the husband.”

           I couldn’t believe it; I had to ask. “Do you keep any kind of records of people who buy these books?”

           She laughed. “Oh no honey, it’s a new world. Assisted Suicide is the in thing now. That’s why it’s in the Self Help Aisle.”