Great Eyes, Better Lies and Other Red Flags

This story contains sensitive content including domestic violence, substance abuse, cheating and strong language.

I met him through friends.

After dating a string of non working musicians with a variety of mental health issues and a knack for “borrowing” money from me, he was a welcome change, or so I thought. My low self esteem and desperation for a “good guy” was so blinding you could have wrapped me in a giant red flag to the point of suffocation and id still excuse them away. Oh thank you for this big red blanket, I was so cold, can you wrap it tighter please? 

He had all of the things that none of my previous courters had. 

Job- check 

His own apartment & vehicle- check 

Handsome- check 

Gorgeous golden lab, kind baby blue eyes, funny personality, the picture of niceness- check, check, check, check. 

I was writing checks so fast the flags were getting checks. 

So we had a couple of dates, he cooked me dinner one night, we fell in love and after some convincing myself he was “the one” we moved in together entirely too fast. Fast forward one year later and he quits his job with out consulting me and never holds down full time work again….why? He’s gong to follow his passion…….music. 

I mean come on universe is this some sick cosmic joke?? I had finally escaped the broke musician hamster wheel of relationships to end up with (drum roll please) a broke musician. What was I doing to attract this mess of men? 

Well first of all, there were the ignored but not unseen red flags. Once I tell you what they are you’ll probably stop reading this and take up a read by a smarter person but i'll risk it, because the ending is a good one and maybe you’ll benefit from it. So here are a few examples of me suddenly going color blind and seeing red flags as big green flags and then explaining it all way to support my codependent mindset.  

Red flag #1

He had a dog but would stay out all day and night with us sometimes not going home until the next afternoon. 

At this time I didn’t have much experience with caring for a dog, so this red flag became bigger in hind site. However, if a man lives in an apartment and has any kind of animal that needs regular feeding, watering, letting out, walking or general companionship and he don’t prioritize that animals needs over partying with some chick he just met, he probably has narcissistic tendencies. Now that I have cared for two large animals, the level of neglect he showed in those beginning stages would make me call an animal rescue (or maybe steal the animal) and never speak to him again after cursing infertility on his sorry selfish ass. 

My mommy daddy issues saw this; he likes me enough to be away from his dog who he claims to love more than anything in the world. How fucked is that? But it’s ok, we give ourself grace for these things. It’s all a part of growing out of trauma. 

Red flag #2

He was recently laid off

Now this wasn’t a big deal, he "was in the hiring process for a new job" when we met because his old company “laid him off” blaming the financial crisis of 2008 (even though this this was 2010) This turned out to be a huge lie but it sounded good at the time. What was strange was he was denied unemployment (which I found out later was actually revoked because he lied on his application and he had received it but now had to pay it back. All $9,000, which for the record, never did). 

If you meet a guy who is out of a job and unemployment says hell no, he didn’t get laid off, his ass got fired. Now I'm not saying everyone who gets fired is a bad guy, but if they lie about it don’t be like me who waived it away because he was “probably just embarrassed”. 

My eyes were wide shut and I saw a guy who kept getting the short end of the stick so I was going to support him every step of the way! 

Red flag #3

He ran out of gas twice in the first three months we dated. 

Now I have only run out of gas once in my life, and even then the gas gauge on my car was broken yet I still knew I was getting too close to E but said fuck it, and took the chance. 

If a man runs out of gas twice in the first few months of dating you have one of two major problems on your hands, possibly a combination of both. Problem one, he thinks he is smarter than the car or problem two, he has no money. I wish I could say that over the next 8 years the guy never ran out of gas again, but in fact it happened about 9 more times. He always thought he was smarter then his vehicles, never had any money and also had me who each time would drop what I was doing and run to his rescue and fill up his tank so I wasn’t inconvenienced again. You see how that works?  

How did I wave this away you ask? I didn’t. This one I festered inside, which is way worse then explaining it away because it will eat at you forever. I combated it by overly compensating with my gas management, never dipping below half a tank, and becoming totally neurotic to show him I was smarter than him. It was a totally healthy response. 

Red flag #4

He had a scar on his arm from being stabbed in prison. 

But he was only there for 36 months!! (Uh that’s three years). It was on weed charges (its just weed! It was the south! I also found out after we broke up this was really for heroine, forgery and assault) and someone attacked him (for doing nothing!) and now he’s totally fine with authority. 

Poor guy, always getting the short end of the stick. And here I thought he was kinda nerdy, but it turns out he has a little bit of bad boy in him. Now I love him EVEN. MORE. 

Red flag #5

When he moved out of his apartment, he waited until 4 hours before the moving truck showed up to pack because “he didn’t have that much stuff”.

Oh how wrong he was. He had a shit ton of stuff. But he somehow never though things would be that much work. Its ok though, guess who was there to help? ME. This was my time to SHINE. The girlfriend who does it all. I packed up every last bit of that house in a sweating feverish frenzy because I hate making people wait. He threw out half of his possessions because he didn’t have enough boxes or time to complete the job. It was one of the most blatant signs of total lack of effort or character I had ever witnessed. So of course I moved in with him! 

This one was hard for me to manipulate, but I ended up telling myself he was just a guy. Guys don’t know what they’re doing right?! And he thought it would be easier than it was. Thats a good thing! Thats optimism! 

Red flag #6, this is a big one.

His previous girlfriend, who had moved across the country with him, packed up all of their belongings while he was at work and moved away without a word. Oh, she was also pregnant with their child who he never saw again (this information came later). 

He explained this away by saying she was a very controlling fiery Latina who wanted to move back to Florida to be close to her family and when he didn’t agree she decided to take off because she was such a bad person she was leveraging the kid to get what she wanted. 

I don’t know what to tell you guys. Im the child of an alcoholic mother who based her entire existence on the approval of men because she didn’t get it from her father and my parents split when I was two. I just wanted to be loved, and my non judgmental nature and empathetic soul thought I was getting this guy on the up and up. 

Now don’t get me wrong. There were lots of things I loved about him and the flags, well they lived in the shadows of those things. He did everything right in the beginning. Took me on adventures, showed me places I had never seen before. Cooked me dinner, greeted me with wine and foot rubs after a long day at work. Gushed to his friends about me. We laughed constantly, stayed up all night talking and listening to music after making love in front of the fire. We shared the same dreams, the same taste and sense of humor. He made me feel safe and loved and cared about. He made me feel like I didn’t as a child, although I didn’t realize this at the time. 

Oh, He also love bombed the shit out of me. 

A love bomb refers to the form of emotional manipulation in which a person, often a narcissist, “bombs” you with an over the top amount of affection, flattery, gifts, and praise early in the relationship in order to win over your attention for the purpose of being able to control you. (source wellandgood.com) 

As a result, the relationship went something like this 

Come with me, he said 

We will dance in the night 

Underneath all the stars 

With moon as our light 

Lie with me, he said 

Put your head on my chest 

You’re no longer alone 

You can finally rest

Love me he said 

In the warmth of the dawn 

We will need no one else 

As the years carry on 

Trust me, he said 

Do you think I would lie?

Do you think I’m that person?

Look me straight in the eye 

I love you, he said 

I didn’t do what she claimed 

Why don’t you believe me?

You should be so ashamed 

Fuck you, he said 

When i hit you, you cry? 

Why are you such a bitch!

How I wish you would die 

Please don’t leave me, he said 

I won’t do it again 

I can’t live with out you 

This can’t be the end 

I’m sorry he said 

But you are to blame 

You made me hit you 

Why are you playing this game?

Goodbye, I said 

Thank you for the years 

Thank you for the love 

Thank you for the tears 

Without you I said 

I wouldn’t be me 

I grew in your arms 

Now I’m setting me free 

I really do hope 

You heal from your pain 

We all deserve love 

And to dance in the rain 

But you, i said 

Are no longer for me 

I love me too much 

Now please leave me be

It took me some time 

In fact it took years 

To gather the courage 

To face all my fears

But once he touched me

I stepped out the door 

I was his no longer 

I was mine once more

Over the almost full decade we were together I was simultaneously managing a mom with a severe drinking disorder and ignoring that his ability to manipulate me was a direct result of growing up in that environment. Ignoring may actually be the wrong word. More like not connecting the dots. I was hurting from the lack of nurture I needed from her and accepting whatever nurture I could get from him. The gradual change in his behavior towards me wasn’t un noticed, but I chalked it up to the usual leveling out in any relationship. I was so used to inconsistency in my childhood years that it felt somewhat normal anyway. Nothing was really that bad. So he stopped making me dinner and rubbing my feet, who cares, he was still kind and affectionate. So he quit his job without consulting me, he was unhappy and I wanted him to find something that he loved to do. I mean if he’s happy I would be happy too right? I didn’t realize at the time that nothing would ever make him happy. 

We moved to Bend Oregon. The Mecca of outdoor life. We had an epic adventure library and wanted to keep adding to it. Our outdoor excursions were what kept us together. We knew how to have fun together. It was real life where we were failing. I mean I wasn’t failing. I had three jobs and bought a house while he “found himself”. I wasn’t perfect, but I worked my ass off to make it for us. I don’t want to take all of the credit away. He did have a few jobs here and there over the years, none of them lasted more then 6 months (at most.) Meanwhile I got him a credit card so he could go back to school. 

Please never give a man a credit card that isn’t attached to his actual credit. If that’s the one thing you learn from this story, let it be that. 

My intuition told me something wasn’t right. Something big was coming. I couldn’t figure out what it was but I couldn’t shake it either. Everything seemed like it was going perfectly on the outside. The move was just what we needed. He landed his dream job and was making great money. We had the new house, I had lots of work. I was actually excited to get home and see him at the end of the day. I thought this is IT. This is what all of these years of patience has rewarded me with. We are going to be ok. But I still couldn’t shake the feeling that something was amiss. 4 short months later, true to his pattern, he lost his dream job and with it also lost his mind. Which I totally got. I mean the loss was huge and Im not sure he really saw the common denominator in these job losses were all him. In fact I know he didn't. Some people need more time to really see themselves than others. Some people never will. I got the feeling he was one of those people. But when the job was gone, so was all of my hope that this would ever work out. He stole from the company out of spite and could have gone to jail. I was frozen. I had no idea what to do next. We were both lost. He found himself in a 22 year old blond girl and a new cocaine habit. I found myself at the wrong end of his temper after a bottle of tequila. He found himself homeless. I found myself at the courthouse filling a restraining order and neatly packing his things up when he was at work one day, he found himself flooding my house and threatening me with a pistol before fleeing the state. We both found ourselves never speaking again. Just like that, 8 years later and it ended in a streak of cheating beating stealing violence just like I always knew it would. And I was better than ever. It was like taking a breath of the freshest mountain air after breathing smoke laced dive bar air for the last 8 years. He had beaten the fear of loneliness right out of out of me (in a lack for better words). I was free. The lies were over. A new life was mine.