Just Listen

There was something inherently awkward about the silence. At first, of course. By now it was a welcome companion to Dr. Jaime. She understood how to navigate the silence, how to let it sit just long enough before breaking it. It was a tool that every counselor, well, every good counselor, learned to wield deftly. And Dr. Jaime was the best. 

Deepi started to squirm in her armchair as she felt the silence taking over the room. It was only session 3, Dr. Jaime thought. The silence was still new to Deepi. It would take time for its purpose to be revealed. 

And there it was. Right at the moment where the silence threatened to end the session itself. 

“There’s something else that’s been on my mind, something I think I wanna talk about.”

Dr. Jaime gave an encouraging nod, and inwardly thanked the silence for creating what it always did. Vulnerability. There was something about the heavy quietude that aloud the mind’s most innermost thoughts to nudge their way forward, that allowed them to be heard. 

“What’s on your mind?”

Deepi shifted in her chair again, the thoughts in her head were clearly still piecing themselves together. It was beautiful, actually, to sit across from someone who was actively translating their most raw emotions into words. 

“Well, you know that I left a job a few months ago. And I just can’t find any semblance of who that girl was. That career driven, goal oriented girl. Now I feel... lacking. Am I that weak, that without a job or a title to hold I lose my sense of self entirely? What kind of life was I even living if it was all hinging on the title written on my office door?”

Dr. Jaime nodded, looking at Deepi’s eyes, even though they were focused on a small grey patch on the otherwise teal carpet. Silence builds a dam. When it inevitably breaks, the words can’t help but flow out. 

“Now why did you leave that job?”

“Because I was...I was lost. I was sick constantly, I felt no sense of purpose, I kept getting hurt by people I trusted. You know when you go to a concert? And it's super loud but you don't realize it until you leave? That’s how I feel now. I feel like I was at a concert except it lasted for months. And now...now that I’ve left, I realize how loud it was the whole time. 

“If it's not loud now, what is it?”

Another wave of silence settled into the room, but this time it was different. This time it was constructive, a moment of collection, of reflection. 

“Now it's calm. I’m calm. I don't feel afraid all the time, like I need to tiptoe around everyone in my life. I feel… I feel like I can exhale. And that when I do the world won’t tear me to shreds for not devoting every single moment of my life to fixing someone else's problems.”

“Tell me, what is more lacking. A woman driven mad by her coworkers, who spends every minute trying to hold their approval, or a woman who is full, and who gained that fullness on entirely her own account?”

Now Deepi broke her gaze away from the grey patch and locked eyes with Dr. Jaime. 

“I was lacking. Now I’m... I wouldn't say full...no, far from it... but I’m closer I think.” 

“Where would you say that fullness came from?”

“My fullness came from... from letting go. From letting go of the life that made me so unhappy. It came from choosing something else, like choosing to be here, talking to you. I chose this. I chose to spend my time on me for the first time in...my god in so long.”

“Do you anticipate ever feeling truly, 100%, perfectly full?”

“No, but perfection isn’t the goal, right?”

Dr. Jaime couldn't help but smile. Was there anything more gratifying than hearing your own words quoted back to you? “You're right, that is not the goal.”

“I mean, then what is? What am I here working towards then?”

“I suppose that is for you to answer.”

And there it came again, the wave of silence settled into the room, this time more welcome than before. With comfort came vulnerability, and Dr. Jaime could see Deepi settling into the silence, inviting it to work its wonders. 

“I guess, the goal is to just keep building my life? To keep pinpointing the weak spots and letting them go? And like, trying to find better things to take their place?” 

Dr. Jaime nodded in approval. “I like that. So let’s make that our new goal. To keep building up this new life, and to start healing from the last one.”

Deepi smiled in approval. She looked down at her grey wristwatch. “Can we work on that more next time? I have to head out a bit early today so I can beat traffic.”

“We can work on that more every time. Send me your availability, I’ll pencil in our next session.” 

Deepi rose from her seat and picked up her amber purse. She thanked Dr. Jaime, and left the room.

Dr. Jaime took a moment to make a few notes on her yellow pad, pausing to replay moments of their session. Certainly an improvement from the session prior. When the silence had made its way into the room the time before, it became too overwhelming for Deepi, who excused herself immediately and left the room. It tore at Dr. Jaime to see this happen, to see her patients flee the room rather than listen to their own thoughts. 

Now, alone in the room, Dr. Jaime regarded the silence as an old friend. It was a coworker even, subtly working in the background of each session. 

She and the silence had a long standing relationship. She would ask questions, stir the pot so to say, and the silence would help to cultivate answers. They had worked in tandem this way for years, allowing each soul who came into the office to let go of a little more, and to move forward even more so.