I am a new leaf

Change. 

Out with the old and in with the new they say.  I question this philosophy.  What is wrong with the old if it is not broken?  If it is broken, can you fix it to make it something new?  How did it break in the first place?  Did you break it or did someone break it for you? 

New from old.  

Old from new.  

Change. 

So, the old saying, “turn over a new leaf” is a new saying for me this year.   

Something old, something new…and no!  I will not be getting married anytime soon.  Although I do feel emotionally connected to someone, he does not seem to share the same emotions.   

Instead of crunching my feet on old leaves, I will try to walk barefoot on a new leaf, mine. My new leaf. 

My new leaf is me! 

Learning what my desires are and what is stopping them.  What my thoughts are, which I am realizing are mostly negative, and realizing those old dry leaves of the past have got to go.   

Out with the old and in with the new.  These old dry leaves were broken in me.  I did not do anything wrong.  Now, it will be up to me to grow a new leaf of my own. 

Ahead are new leaves of learning what makes me happy and being kind enough to myself to allow those things to appear as a new leaf.  Bright, happy, green…baby green.  And no!  I am not having a baby either.  

A new leaf of a new direction, a change; change in color, change in professions, change in my private life.  Heck, I might even change my Facebook profile picture.   

Change is a new leaf at first.  Change can be fragile like the new leaf on a tree or the fresh wings of a butterfly right out of a cocoon.  Eventually, once you permit yourself to make one or two changes, by the third change you might be selling your home and everything you own, picking up the cat, and moving to Ecuador!  And no, I am not moving to Ecuador. 

Some of, most of, who I am is broken.  The pendulum swings from a broken home as a child to a broken heart as an adult.  I have grown used to feeling this “brokenness” around me and have learned to equate being broken with love.  They hurt me so they must love me, right?   

Change.  That belief has to change and blow away with a gust of wind like in Fall.  A new Spring leaf of growth must come forth from the same tree. That tree is me.  The new leaf is me. 

Interesting how shallow my roots have been all my life because of child abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, mental abuse, and even spiritual abuse. 

Today, as a 60-year-old woman, I stand like a tall oak tree with bare branches.  The old dried crumbly dead leaves are flying away to make room for new leaves. New leaves are sprouting from where the old colored dead leaves once were.  These new leaves represent my own choices and not what others see in me or want me to be but a new set of leaves for my life tree. 

It feels scary standing up for yourself as a woman in what feels like at times to be a man’s world.  My new leaves are what I choose.  

My choices.  

Where I live, what I do for an income, who I love, when I go to bed and when I wake up, and even how I dress.   

My life is my new leaf.  My new leaf is me, myself, and I. My tree of life. 

Change is about choice and there is no such thing as an unconditional change.  For every change has a condition to be met before or after the change.  You can change your mind about something and even that change has conditions. I cannot think of an instant where a change would be unconditional.  Can you?  

So, here I dig deeply into the roots of my tree in the choices of change for my life.  I wonder, will my tree with new leaves become a home for a bird or a squirrel?  Will one of my branches be used to tie an old tire so children can swing on it?  Will a pair of lovers carve their initials in my bark?  I wonder… 

My tree, my life.   

My choices on what I allow to live in and on my tree.  I would like to believe that a child would pick my new bright green leaves and make a bracelet for themselves while they sit in the shade of my branches. 

And what an honor it would be to the rest of the forest of women when they see my new tree of life!  When they learn I was able to shake loose the old dead leaves and choose new leaves for my life tree, they will be so proud.  I hope I will be an inspiration. 

Deep will my roots go to discover the water of my ancestors.  Their voices will shape my new leaves even if it only takes one voice.  The words of that one voice could have the power to change my whole tree, from leaves to roots.   

How wonderful is the freedom of letting go of the old and reaching the new leaf of change?  Not the change of paper money to coins but a meaningful change to last for a lifetime.  

So, I will not be getting married, having a baby, or selling my home to move to Ecuador.  No, Walter the cat and I will stay right here and resist the urge to change by way of self-destructing.  Instead, choosing to grow my new leaves consciously, and through my subconscious found with my new freedom, my newfound permission, and the new color of bright lime green.  

Cheers to my new leaf of change.  The new change in me.