The Nameless Bridge

           I love the sound of the metal deck as my untied shoes walk the path of the bridge in the middle of the night. The sea under it making a faint sound of its waves before hitting the shore calms my masked agony and the light cold breeze hitting my face making me breathe out a breath of serenity. Everything is different when it’s midnight in this bridge, I feel more connected with it than walking on the broad daylight to my dreadful job.

           In the middle of the bridge is my favorite spot, behind the railings of the bridge is a cap sill. I go here every night to sit and smoke off what I needed to smoke, just to let everything out. The bridge is a lovely place but the true name is very mundane, Amor Bridge which means ‘Love Bridge,’ so I gave it a name that fits it, ‘Unloved Bridge,’ since there was a poet from this town who wrote prose for the unrequited love that she has for Antonio. This bridge is where she writes her torments.

           The story is sad and sorrowful, no one really knows the name of the poet but there was a letter from Amor to Antonio that signified her love for him on this bridge so they decided to call it by her but the poems and the letter were different.

           This bridge is where I grew up, when I was a child I use to jump over this bridge with my friend and have fun while swimming in the sea but I was different then than I am now. Everything is different now. I puff out the smoke from the cigarette and threw it on the ocean, I watch as the cigarette made the sea chaotic as it spreads its ripples when it landed. I stand up and patted my whole butt with my hands to wipe off the dirt.

           I went back to the deck and straighten myself back and there he was, Antonio, my friend from when I was a child, and there he goes smiling that child-like smile with his teeth showing widely even the sides and the gums visible.

           “You’re here, again. I’ve been looking for you.” he said and I show him a small smile as I turn myself to the left where the direction of my house is. “Were you smoking? That’s bad for your health.” he continued.

           “I did, yes.” I answered. “You know you can stop walking me home now, I’m an adult.”

           “But I promised you since we were young. You’re afraid of walking here.”

           “I’m not afraid now.”

           “That’s because I’m here.” he laughs as he hugs me that we almost stumble down and I just roll my eyes at him.

           After walking for a while we arrived at my house and he went back to the bridge because his parent’s house was on the other side of the bridge but every night when I get back from my work he waits for me on the bridge to walk me home. I don’t need him now but he still makes time for me. I took a shower and went straight to bed.

.          .          .

           In the middle of the bridge is where I write my poems for Antonio, I send it to him but I don’t name it because I know he won’t like me for who I am. People like us are forbidden to love each other, people like me are forbidden to love him from afar. I could feel the wooden bridge judder from the other side of the bridge, he is coming and he’s by himself, I need to hide what I wrote before he sees me with it.  

           “Why are you here again?” Antonio said to me. He sees my plume and said, “Oh, you’re writing.”

           “I am sorry, my lord. A servant like me should never learn how to write.”

           “Everyone should learn how to write, even those who are born poor.”

           “You’re too kind, my lord.”

           “I told you to stop calling me that, you’re my friend.”

           “But because of you, I learned how to write, you have taught me so much. I owe myself to you.”

           “You do not owe me anything. Anyway, what were you writing?”

           I hid my paper to my back and said “Just my name.”

           “Hmm okay never mind, come Amado let us go to town to buy mother flowers.”

           I have taken a liking to my master and what’s worse is that he is a man. A man should not have feelings for another man, it is unspeakable, disgraceful. It’s unacceptable. He will never see me as I see him.

`I follow him with my head low as we walk down to town, I could see his shadow towering over me, it made me look small. We go to someone who sold roses since Antonio’s mother loved it. Antonio is very kind and a well-mannered man, he is also very handsome, educated and wealthy. All the girls in town want to be with him.

Before we got home we met Amor, she is a childhood friend of Antonio, she is kind, beautiful and comes from a wealthy family, she has a big chance of winning Antonio’s heart. Antonio told me that his heart did not desire Amor, she has everything but he only sees her as a friend and that makes me happy.

We went straight to home after they, talked it was quite a while, since Amor just came back from somewhere far away because of her studies so they had so much to talk about. I gave the flowers to Antonio for him to give to his mother. His mother is very ill, we don’t know what she has but she was very ill. His father and Antonio along with his siblings spent a lot for her treatments and her doctors but there was no use, she was dying. I left the room as soon as I put the flowers in a vase and put it beside her bed.

I could see from the window that Antonio is holding his mother’s hand as they talked, laughed and smile to each other. It was already night by the time he got out of his mother’s room, the dinner was chicken soup and he let the other servant feed his mother. I went to the dining room to meet Antonio and I see him eating with his rice and chicken.

“You know my mother insisted to let me marry Amor, and I have always told her no.”

“Why would you not like her? She is everything a man could hope for.”

“She is not what I hope for though.”

“Well, what do you want from a girl?” he looks straight into my eyes but immediately averted it back to his food.

“I don’t know.”

“I want to go to the bridge, is it okay for me to go there?”

“No problem, I’ll just ask these other people to wash my dishes.”

I run to the middle of the bridge and sat there, the night was quiet and serene. I felt calm and nothing else. After a couple of minutes I could see Antonio on the other side of the bridge coming closer to me. He sits beside me and puts his head on my shoulder. I got nervous, I could swear he could hear my heart beating loudly through my chest but I sit still.

We did not exchange words, we just looked at the sea and the night sky while the cold air breeze is hitting our faces. It felt like nothing moved just my throbbing heart and our chest rising and sinking at the same time. After a while of nothingness, he looks up at me and faces me to the direction of his face. He shows me the poems I wrote to him and the poem wrote this morning. Our faces were inches apart until he kissed me on the lips, it felt blissful, magical and unbelievable but he pulled away after realizing what he has done.

“This is wrong,” he said running away to his house.

I froze.

I was wrong.

The following morning he did not give me attention, then the next day came and so on, he still didn’t give me attention after a week. Exactly two weeks later he announced his matrimonial union with Amor. I felt shattered to a million pieces, I can feel a tear streaming down my cheek as I cheered for him along with the other servants on his engagement.

The day of the wedding came and that night I went back to the middle of the bridge, to where it all happened. I wanted to cry but nothing came out, I hate him but I was too nothing to fight back so I decided to come to this memory and bury myself with it. I let myself fall into the water and drown myself in it. Then I felt nothing.

.          .          .

I make myself get ready for work, I am a server in a restaurant, and it opens at ten then closes at ten. I let myself work with my morning routine and crossed the bridge. Antonio’s house was very busy as I passed it, there was a smoke behind it, Antonio’s father was cooking with their big pots and his mother was cleaning their whole garden.

Today is the 15^th, and then I remembered what today is supposed to be, it’s his day. I quickly walked passed their house to avoid any invitations from his family. I hailed out a cab and as soon as I get in I took out a big breath I didn’t knew I had.

Nothing happened at work, my boss yelled at me, a customer yelled at me, the chef yelled at me and I stepped on dog poop. I am exhausted. I walked myself tiredly and I saw a crowd a few house in front of me then I saw it was Antonio’s house. I walk quickly to avoid them but his mother called me.

“Hija, come and eat!” his mother said.

“No thank you, Aunt Susan, I’m full.”

“Just pack yourself some food for you to eat tomorrow, we have too much food.”

“Okay, thank you.”

I went inside their house and nothing changed it was still the same. I saw a picture of Antonio in the middle of a table where all the food was. Aunt Susan gave me a plastic container to bring home some of their food. After getting all the food I want I go to Aunt Susan to leave with her permission but she hold me back because she said she had something to give so I waited outside for her.

After what I felt like forever, Aunt Susan finds me where I was standing and gave me a teddy bear, I was confused.

“Antonio is supposed to give that to you but he never did,” she said.

“Oh, thank you.”

“I can’t believe it’s his 15^th year death anniversary, oh how time flies.”

“I know, it’s been so long.”

“Do you miss him?”

“I do.”

“Well, I shall not keep you any longer. Goodbye.”

“Goodbye.”

I go to the middle of the bridge and went to the cap sill then I see him there, Antonio, I sit next to him and took out my candle and light it. Without a word we sit there looking at the whole scene, the dark sky, the moon and the stars, and the sea. I put my head on his shoulder and breathe out.

“I want to die,” I said, and then there was silence. “I want to drown and let go.”

“No. Don’t die.”

“Why do you care? You’re dead, you’re not real. I wish I was the one who died, I wish you didn’t save me.”

“Don’t say that.” I don’t know what happened but I cried burying myself into my one knees.

“You should’ve lived.”

“I wanted to but I didn’t have a choice.”

I stood up facing the bridge and Antonio was there looking at me, begging me with his eyes, begging me to not die. I ignored him and let myself fall from the bridge, the water hugs me tightly and I let go. Then I open my eyes into the deep abyss of the ocean, it was dark and only had nothingness.

His voice rings in my head saying the words, “Don’t die,” his voice gave me an epiphany and I swim back to surface. There I take the biggest breath I have ever taken in my entire life, I swam back to shore and coughed so much. I walk back to the bridge and now Antonio was not there waiting for me. He knew and he made me live.