Cupboard

Before I got second Mummy and second Daddy, I remember how first Mummy used to lock me in the cupboard. 

The first time it happened it was late at night, maybe nine or ten pm. I was playing with my two plastic dolls, Melissa and Sweetum. Somebody must have given them to us from abroad because they were both white-girl dolls, Melissa with long blond hair and Sweetum with short, curly-blond hair. Blond must have been the in color then. As perhaps it still is now. 

I don’t remember asking why the dolls had hair the color of sunshine, when my own was the color of midnight. I seem to have accepted many things as they were, at that time. 

Anyway, we three were having a tea party, and I had just seated the two dolls opposite each other on the floor, each sitting on a little padded cushion, the fabric being ikat - or was it paisley? - and placed tiny plates with little red swirlies in front of each, and tiny teacups and saucers with blue flowers drawn in, on the side, and was pouring what passed for doll’s tea, just plain old H2O from a rusty tap, into those cups, that’s when it happened. 

The front door swung open noisily and I heard first Daddy shouting for first Mummy, and before she went to him, to the door, she gathered me up in her arms and made for the cupboard. 

“Mummy, you’ve spilt the tea,” I screamed, as the little plastic teapot fell over, the water spilling on the ikat or paisley, but she didn’t care. 

She put me in the cupboard, made me crouch down, and said, “Beta, ssh, do not come out of here till I come to get you,” and shut the door.

Then I heard a lot of shouting and crashing and shoving, and then first Mummy screaming, and I was about to push open the door to run to her, when I remembered that she said to stay in there. So I crouched there in the dark, listening to those sounds. Then everything went very quiet and I was trembling. I wanted to hear first Mummy’s voice, and then much later I heard her crying. And I remember feeling much better, because even the sound of her crying was still part of her music.

The next day there was a big black mark on her eye, and I asked her what it was, and she said the crow had kissed her. I told her to tell the crow to kiss her hair next time so it would blend in with her midnight. She laughed but her eyes were wet.

After the second time in the cupboard, I started to take Melissa and Sweetum in there with me. With the three of us there, things were much better. We had long conversations, about tea parties, spiders and other things.

I was in the cupboard a lot that year. She put me in there so often, that after the first few times, we decided she should remove the first shelf and make it more comfortable for me. 

In the beginning I used to tremble in the cupboard, but later on, I liked it in there. 

One time I saw a spider in there and I screamed. I heard first Daddy say, “What was that?” and then first Mummy started to sing, some song from a film, very loudly, and I heard the sound of her anklets. I put a shoe on the spider so it wouldn’t crawl on me. But then I felt sad in the morning when it wouldn’t move any more.

The crow was always kissing first Mummy those days. I could see the kisses the next day. Sometimes on her fleshy arms, sometimes on her neck. But always, always on her face.

Then there was that last time I was in the cupboard. Usually, first Mummy let me out of there in the morning, but this time she didn’t come. There had been a lot of shouting and things crashing that night. I remember I had a bad feeling in my tummy. Later, I heard first Daddy snoring. Then it was dawn and I could see the light creeping in under the cupboard. I saw a spider running inside, but this time I didn’t put a shoe on it. I just let it build its web. 

I stayed there a long time. Maybe it was more than a day. Then first Mummy’s friend came by, and I heard her scream. “Hai, Ram,” she said, calling on one of our favorite guys up in the heavens. But even he’d doubted the virtue of his wife, after she’d been kidnapped. Another story. None of our gods are perfect. Anyway, she must have known about our cupboard system, because she came to get me from there. She told me that first Mummy was now in the sky with the stars. I asked, “When is she going to come back down? Does she have a ladder to come back?” and she said not for a long, long time. Then I got her meaning and I cried. 

They didn’t tell me at the time, but they took first Daddy away, and put him in jail. This I found out later on. He writes letters to me, but I have not written back.

***

After that I got placed with second Mummy and second Daddy. Everybody tells me I’m very lucky because usually no one wants a child after they’re no longer a baby. Especially a child that has suffered trauma. But because of the trauma, my story appeared in the newspaper, and second Mummy read about me and wanted to help me. 

Second Mummy is a famous actress and she’s adopted lots of children, and I’m the pick from India. So now I have toys, food, a nice room and nice clothes. I practice my American accent. I am never put in a cupboard. But however lucky I am, all I wish is that I could be back in first Mummy’s cupboard, and hear her sad song awaken me at dawn.