Cherry Blossom Petals, Converse High and You

I distinctly remember a scene from exactly a year, five months and three days ago, even as I forget what I’d eaten for breakfast before I went to school. The pink petals floating around my room, the text I’d gotten that day, the smile plastered on my face. Second-year, oblivious, Converse High me couldn’t even comprehend what happened next. He left. He had moved somewhere else, and he had forgotten all about me. No goodbye. Not even a glance back at me, who was waiting for him the whole time. But that… really isn’t my problem anymore, though. I’ve moved on from him, and I’ve adjusted to living without him who I’ve known more than myself.

“San Aera!”

I hear someone scream from behind me, and even before I turn around a slim, pre muscular arm slung itself around my shoulder. I wince at this, looking up at the boy beside me.

He’s been at it for a year already, ever since that day. I call him Gyu, but his actual name is Choi Huigyu. We somehow stick around each other despite tipping our distress meters all the time. I wouldn’t call us friends. Definitely not a boyfriend, either. Our relationship general-wise is just… unnamed?

He flashes that bothersome gummy smile of his despite deafening me just now. “Hey. Walking to school?”

“Where else would I be going?” I ask, raising a knowing eyebrow at him.

Gyu doesn’t say anything else and shrugs. “I don’t know. To me?”

“Sure, I’d go to you instead of school and help you cram for a test that’s happening today. Isn’t that why you weren’t waiting in front of my house with my mother swooning at you as always?”

“But you love helping me, don’t you?”

I slap his arm in defence. He desperately needs a tutor, and yet he comes to me. He needs a friend, and yet he comes to me. I’m not a good enough friend, and yet he comes to me. Like every single day, lunch break, class break, class partner work, group work, and I never know why.

Then we’re back to just silence, either one of us not saying much, and the atmosphere doesn’t change color. The sky is a bright blue and the clouds have decided to take a rest today, so the sun has all the space he wants. The road of cherry blossom petals in front of us has deepened a bit, the petals are running around everywhere.

This scene seems a bit familiar… Gyu rips the word ‘silence’ from the air with a sigh. “It’s today, huh?”

I look at him. “What’s today?”

He says nothing when I ask. I’m used to this, yes, but at this point, I’m just so intrigued because he listens to me most of the time and I barely heed to him. He gives me encouragement but my advice-giving skill’s been a bit stiff. What’s on his mind?

Gyu sighs again when I ask him. What the hell? “I’m not supposed to tell you this, but since he’s dead already there’s nothing I can do. You have to know something real quick.”

I look at him, and he looks at me. It’s definitely not a joke, nor is it another school rant. It’s not about the teachers, not about his family. The look in his onyx orbs tells me it’s all about me and not him. What is it that he knows that I don’t? It looks like he’s hesitating to say anything else other than what he just blurted out because he’s constantly looking at things behind me, then me. He’s nervous. He’s never nervous.

Gyu is always confident, if not, pride-ridden. He always boasts about himself because he’s that perfect. Everyone loves him and his milk-white skin, his lovely sharp onyx eyes, but I only hang out with him because he has no one who understands that he’s him because of his personality and I have no one in general.

I’m about to interrupt him when he speaks, but his next words stop me and every fibre of my being.

“Do you remember a distinct scene from this sidewalk? A scene involving… Sam Hyunjin?” He fiddles with his lost fingers and he doesn’t know where to look. I don’t know where to look, either, because I’m trying hard not to scream, or show that this shocks me, and all I’m thinking right now is What Is Happening.

I think he knows that this is a pretty precious place for me. Because this was where my first confession took place. Hannam-dong High School. My second year. At about 4:59 pm when he insisted on walking me home. 

My silence is a gesture for him to continue, so he does. This time he doesn’t hesitate. “He’s always looked at you differently. Not in a bad way. Hyunjin really doesn’t mean you any harm by disappearing suddenly, so I’ll have to tell you what happened—”

“What?”

The question I’ve wanted to ask the whole time, from when Hyunjin told me he liked me back to the day he was deemed gone from Hannam-dong— it finally comes out. And I start to speak this time, my blood starting to boil, bubbles sprouting from it.

“What do I not know about Sam Hyunjin? What is it that I’m supposed to know? Gyu, this was last year, and if he wanted to ditch me, then why didn’t he just—”

“Sam Hyunjin was a cancer patient, Aera!”

My heart drops into my stomach and to the floor. Gyu’s words linger in my head, and the lava in my head has died down. It fizzes and dries out on its own, leaving me clueless, guilt-struck, and my knees buckle. Cancer. Hyunjin. A patient.

Oh my God. Why hasn’t anyone told me about this at all? Who else knew other than Gyu? Who was Gyu to Hyunjin? Why… wasn’t I told?

Then it struck me. I remember something from right after he dropped me off to my home, what he whispered in my ear when he pulled me close. I remember him breaking into a soft tear and him whimpering a bit. That wasn’t him being glad I liked him back.

He was frightened.

Those… those words— “Thank you so much.” He was telling me something. Why didn’t I realize sooner? My eyes sting now, and I’m trying to suppress mixed emotions in my head right now. It hurts. It relieves me. It just… makes me a bit teary.

I misunderstood.

And now the consequences of not perceiving it hurt more than when he left. “He didn’t wanna say anything about it because he knew this would happen, Aera.” Gyu pats my back softly, I collapse to him, tightly pulling him close.

I know he’s taken back by my sudden gesture, but he returns it as swift as I pulled him. Gyu’s heart beats steadily in his chest— it consoles me just as much as a fetus.

“You know…”

I look up to these two words and see Gyu in a state that broke me even more. He was tearing up as he clutched my figure, but I could tell he was trying his hardest to stay strong. For me. For Hyunjin.

“He… today was the day he died…”

I shattered at this.