What to wear

Ooo Text Message!

Dan: What are you doing tonight?

Me: I don’t know. Why?

Dan: Costume party at Dreamers

Me: Oh fun! But I don’t have a costume.

Dan: Well, make one. I’ll pick you up in an hour.

Me: Okay, I’m game!

Oh, how exciting Dreamers is my favorite club. But what should I be? I could go as a vampire, that’s always a safe bet. But that’s so Twilight, gross. Plus, there will probably be at least ten vampires there then we’ll all suck. Also, what will I use for teeth. I don’t have any pokey teeth so I would be a hickey vampire I guess and what am I in junior high? Who gives a hickey anymore? No one that’s who. But it does let you dress up in fine clothes and the make-up is easy. A white powder and black lipstick would work. Yes, maybe a vampire would work.

I could wear my custom cologne that I had made in Paris and be like Lestat and Armand from Interview with a Vampire, that would be nice. Although the last time I wore it, I put on a little too much and what was it that old ‘queen’ said to me? Oh yes, “Jeez, don’t try so hard honey, this is a gay bar you know”. That really hurt and I haven’t been able to wear it since without being self-conscious that I’m wearing too much. But this cologne was made specially to match my natural scents. What did he know, he’s probably never even been to Paris, him or his nasty little mini poodle in a handbag, and it was a cheap bag at that.

Ok vampire it is. Let me see what’s in the closet. No.  No. No. Ugh, none of these will do. I have nothing. What about a drag outfit? That might work. I have my Marilyn Monroe dress, but God, everyone does Marilyn and there’s nothing worse than being the worst looking imposter at a drag show. Some of these people spend outrageous amounts of time on every detail and if you don’t, you’ll get outed as a lack-luster drag queen and for some reason there are a number of gay men who can be absolutely as catty as women. No Marilyn won’t do.

Oh my God, I’ve got it. Meryl Streep. EVERYONE loves Meryl. She is the greatest living actress, and no one can argue with that. If she lived in England, she’d be Dame Meryl Streep. Unfortunately, all we have is a President and they give out medals not titles. Meryl Streep doesn’t need medals unless it’s the Meryl Streep medal that they give out to other lesser actresses.

But which Meryl to be? Sophie? Easy to assemble the outfit, but it would be dreadful to try to dance in. I’d be too hot, looking like a creepy old Babooshka with make-up running down my face, no thanks! Hmm…what about Margret Thatcher from the Iron Lady? No, these simpletons would think I was Nancy Reagan or something. Ah, I’ve got it! Miranda Priestly from The Devil Wears Prada! That would be excellent. What do I have to wear? Let me think? Ugh! Who am I kidding I don’t even own any Prada; they’d mock me for that too. Why are they so petty? Most of them still have a facial hair shadow when they dress up and look absolutely ridiculous, but I don’t say anything about them. Plus, half of them look like men dressed up as women. If we wanted women, we wouldn’t date ugly ones with giant Adam’s apples and a five o clock shadows poking out through their foundation.

Whatever, okay Meryl, I love you, but I can’t do you. I have to do me.

What next. Ah a zombie! Trashy clothes, minimal make-up. It’s perfect! But I don’t have any trashy clothes. Maybe I could cut up some old clothes. Let me look. What’s in the dresser? T-shirts, well these are all new and I look really good in most of these. Wait this one from Cozumel might do. But that was such a fun trip, and this is all that I have left in terms of souvenirs. I can’t cut it. Too many fond memories.

How about a collared shirt, what’s in the closet? That’s a $70 dollar shirt, no way am I cutting that up. That one is new, that won’t work. Flannel! That could work, I’m not a lumberjack so why do I even have one? An LL Bean gift certificate no doubt. I could cut it. But wait, it’s going to be winter soon and I don’t have anything heavy to wear except this flannel.

I know, what if I did go as a lumberjack like Paul Bunyan? Where would I get an ax at this time of night, and I don’t have a beard. Or maybe the Brawny guy. But no one goes to parties dressed as a cartoon character from a TV commercial. Who am I kidding, I’d just look like a lumberjack poser.

Dorothy! That’s always a winner and I think I still have some Ruby slippers somewhere around here. But now I don’t have the dress or the time to make-up like Judy Garland. Plus, someone else will inevitably be there as Dorothy and will probably have an actual little rat dog in their basket so everyone else will look lame for bringing a stuffed animal. That won’t work. Scarecrow! Yes, easy I have some fake hay from other decorations. I can use the flannel shirt, yes that could work. I have everything here. That’s it. I’ll do it.

I can’t do it. I will look ridiculous without Dorothy, the Tin Man, and the Cowardly Lion. Dorothy can go it alone, but any of the male characters need the other two to make sense. Even a Witch could probably go it alone, unless it’s a witch from Hocus Pocus, I supposed you’d need the other two in that case as well. My God, Is there any witch more annoying than Bette Midler on film or in real life? She is awful! I couldn’t even watch that movie as a kid because I couldn’t stand her face and now, they have made a second one that is even more dreadful than the first. Why am I thinking about her?! Curses Bette Midler! You and your terrible acting are making me late. 

Oh God the phone. He’s texting.

Dan: Ready I’ll be there in five?

Me: No

Dan: How long?

Me: All the way long. Not ready at all.

Dan: Why not?

Me: Meryl Streep and Bette Midler

Dan: What?

Me: I’m in tonight. Maybe next year. I’m watching the Devil Wears Prada tonight.

Dan: Okay. Good choice. Meryl is a national treasure.

Me: She is and have fun!

Okay Meryl, we need wine. Red or white? I can’t decide.