Flawed Mamma

However, despite all the ups and downs, my life went through many transformations in eight years. From being married and lacking a degree or any real earning potential to becoming a single mom with two kids in tow who returned to my parent's home to live. Memories flooded back of the frustrating door that had long symbolized unresolved matters and a dead end, almost like a closed door of Feng Shui concepts.

Afterwards, I decided to give my partner, Scott, a call. Surprisingly, my dad inquired, "Why do you constantly call him?" His anger was palpable as I hesitated to commit to moving back out there. He found it absurd: "Your mom and sister went through all that trouble to bring you back, only for me to return and live there again."

He went on, "You are responsible for the farm's recent unfavourable weather; it's because of you," he claimed, "that it has greatly affected its overall success." I couldn't help but find his statement quite absurd. So, I gently remind him about the wonders of irrigation. After a long and tiring day, my mom's comforting presence enveloped me, providing solace and reassurance. With a heart full of gratitude, I retired to my bed, ready to embrace the peaceful embrace of sleep.

As the sun began to rise, I found myself stirring from my slumber. With a renewed sense of energy, I eagerly devoured my breakfast and gathered everyone together. Excitement filled the air as I revealed our next destination, Colchester. Picture this: I'm gliding along on my rollerblades, with the kids happily trailing behind me in a wagon. Despite my parents' concerns, I didn't let their opinions hold me back. When I went outside with the kids, the fresh morning air and the energizing smell of the nearby lake welcomed me.

I aimed to prevent them from getting even more worked up than they already were, as I didn't want to add fuel to the fire.

Words failed me as I attempted to speak. A sense of relief washed over me as I pulled out of the driveway and onto the road. Skating and pulling the kids behind me in the wagon became my go-to solutions for stress relief and affordable exercise.

As I pulled the wagon into the driveway, I noticed my father standing right in the middle of it, his eyes locked on me as I rollerbladed my way into the yard. He gestured towards me, holding a book in his hand, leaving me intrigued by its meaning.

"Imagine a picturesque scene: the sky darkens, clouds gather, and the air is heavy with anticipation. As a dedicated farmer, I eagerly await the arrival of the rain, knowing that it will nourish my precious crops and help them thrive. It's a time of hope and excitement, as I envision the bountiful harvest that awaits me." He says as he glares at me.

"So, what's the problem? F*#k! What's the reason behind your lack of clarity? Are you teched in the head or something? "Wow!" I exclaimed.

"Mommy, what does 'fuck' mean?"

My father's disapproval immediately chirped in my ear, "It's important to steer clear of using that kind of language in front of your children. It's a goal that we should all work towards. Wouldn't you agree? He grits his teeth.

I didn't dignify him with a response. I turned to my kids and said, "I say we head inside for a snack and then a fun game."

"Yeah, mom!" Sherry exclaimed.

"Come on, mom!" Frances exclaimed.

As we stepped inside, my mother greeted us with a warm smile, standing by the entrance.

"I have prepared some delicious snacks for you." As I settled down at the table, I reached for the glasses of juice she had kindly poured, diluting them to ensure the kids wouldn't be bouncing off the walls with a sugar rush.

"If Dad continues to provoke me, it seems inevitable that one of us will kill the other."

"Take a deep breath, Jose," my mother soothingly whispered, her arm gently resting on my shoulder.

"Don't touch me and don't speak condescendingly towards me. I've always felt that the respect I deserved from you and Dad was somehow overlooked. Let me share with you the incredible journey I've been on. I appreciate that my decisions may not match your personal preferences, but they are mine. I yearn for the freedom to create and achieve my aspirations in a space that is uniquely mine."

"I'm sorry, but I have always respected your autonomy and never forced my choices upon you."

"I can't understand why Dad is putting the blame on me for everything that's going wrong on this farm. It's been a challenging time, with crops failing and equipment breaking down left and right. But instead of working together to find solutions, he seems to be pointing fingers at me." I said. "I've been doing my best to help out, putting in long hours. I wish Dad would see that we're in this together and that we can overcome these obstacles. He also seems to doubt my connection with Scott, too. I find it quite frustrating when he and you meddle in my personal matters."

"Take a deep breath, Jose." My mother's tone was filled with superiority as she spoke.

"This situation is absolutely absurd. It's frustrating to have no control over the drought that's affecting this farm. I'm well aware of that."

"Mommy, can I go play?"

"Sure, I'll play too!"

"Okay, everyone. It's time to wash up and get ready for some fun!"

After more than an hour and a half, we were famished.

"How about grabbing a bite to eat? I've got a delightful assortment of snacks: salami, fish crackers, apples, carrots and chocolate milk. It's sure to satisfy your taste buds with bursts of flavour."

"Wow, this is yummy, dawishes!"

"Me too, mamma," Frances exclaimed joyfully, his hands clapping together in excitement. The sheer joy in their voices was palpable as they squealed in delight.

As I was about to enter the kitchen from outside, I noticed my father and mother engaged in a conversation.

"I believe she holds the responsibility for overseeing the day-to-day operations of the farm. The almanac never fails to deliver with its unwavering accuracy. In my opinion, she is jeopardizing the safety of herself and her children."

"Tommy," my mother sighed. Sure, I'm interested in helping her out in any way I can. But this business with Scott, from the western region, will eventually die out as he returns to his spouse—to be with his child. Jose has two children already. How could those two expect their relationship to succeed despite that?"

I was seething with anger at their undeniable accuracy. I had a feeling that my joy was fleeting. I struggled to find a path to happiness. Throughout my life, I've never shied away from acknowledging my imperfections. I ensured my parents' attention by causing a commotion, all to quiet their disapproval of my less-than-perfect life.

"I plan on spending a few days in the city. We could stay four, but definitely three for sure." My parents shared a puzzled glance, and a smile crept across my face. "Why not embrace the opportunity and take a leap of faith? I pondered, realizing that there was little left to risk.

With my belongings neatly stowed away, I was prepared for the journey ahead. As I started the car to depart, my father pleasantly surprised me by secretly placing four hundred dollars on my passenger seat, cleverly concealed beneath my purse.

As I glanced into the rearview mirror, I couldn't help but smile at the sight of my children sitting comfortably in their car seats, side by side, in the back of my convertible. Our presence was impossible to ignore, drawing the attention of all who laid eyes upon us as we drove through town.

At first, a wave of anger washed over me, but I decided to let it go and fully embrace the intensity of the emotion. As I entered my friend's house, the kids in tow, I noticed that she and her partner were just about to leave for the city.

I expressed my warm wishes and appreciation, saying, "Enjoy yourself and I'm truly grateful for you letting us stay here."

"Feel free to help yourself; you know where the alcohol cupboard is. I can't wait to catch up with you later!" Kel said and they left.

I had a wonderful time bonding with the kids, playing games and reading bedtime stories before tucking them in for the night. Once they drifted off into slumber, I couldn't resist indulging in a sip from my prized bottle of Glen Fiddich.

It wasn't long before Scott reached out to me, and we ended up having a captivating conversation that kept me engaged for the rest of the evening.

I opened my eyes to discover that my friends had returned. Imagine the kids peacefully slumbering through the night. Everything fell into place. As the sun began to rise, I found myself in the kitchen, diligently preparing a delicious breakfast.

Meanwhile, Ricky, the ever-helpful companion, took charge of guiding the children through their daily chores with him. Together, we embarked on a journey of productivity and shared responsibilities.

I was filled with excitement as I eagerly brought them along. The money from my father, I gave to Kel to help with groceries.

As the day drew to a close, the children peacefully drifted off to sleep, their dreams filled with the memories of a day spent under the warm sun and gentle breeze.

As we made our way outside, Kel and Ricky were ready to play horseshoes. Once I threw my first shoe, a wave of relief washed over me, carrying away all my concerns and obligations. I prioritized my own needs and fully embraced my independence, even if it meant dedicating some time to solitude.

After a week, my world crumbled, leaving me utterly bewildered. Scott made the decision to pursue a remote teaching position in another area without even discussing it with me. His decision took me completely by surprise. Moreover, I came to realize that I am an imperfect protagonist in my once-promising and optimistic journey.

It dawned on me that I was the central figure in the unravelling of my own life.

I was able to overcome some of my personal challenges with the support of my friends. I began by addressing them and carefully trimming away any unnecessary details. I persevered and worked my way through those challenging moments until the dry spell eventually came to an end.

As the rain poured down like cats and dogs, devastating news reached me: Kel's brother had tragically been blown up in a workplace explosion. Meanwhile, I came to realize that my father was making great strides in his professional life. My dear friend, Kel, recently received a well-deserved promotion to a supervisory role.

It seemed as though the forces of the universe were working against me. As I looked around, I couldn't help but notice how everyone seemed to be flourishing, their lives moving forward with purpose and momentum. Mine feels stagnant as if I were trapped in a state of stasis.

I yearned to break free from the confines of the farm and secure a job in a location that truly resonated with my aspirations.

The torrential downpour engulfed the surroundings. As I emerged from my vehicle, I found myself overcome by a sense of tranquility. The gentle touch of raindrops on my face brought a soothing sensation as if nature itself were offering a comforting embrace. I couldn't help but burst with excitement and release a scream filled with pure joy. I began to dance around, involving my children as I freed them from their car seats. Our spirits soared as we moved in sync, celebrating the rain together.

I watched them call to my mother from the doorway, shaking my head in disbelief. Excitedly, the children beckoned for her to come and join us. She eagerly seized the opportunity and became a part of our team. Before long, my father arrived and parked in the driveway. He remained in his car, observing our every move. Unable to resist the insistent pleas of the children, he found himself compelled to accompany them outdoors and into the rain.

As I danced, I found myself captivated by the sheer beauty of the moment and completely embraced the delightful shift in weather. The profound effect it had on us left us all perplexed.

As I entered the house, I immediately caught sight of my father reaching for his almanac. Grandma headed upstairs to retrieve bathrobes for us. As we stepped onto the back porch and shed our damp attire, we slipped into cozy bathrobes.

Once I was dry, I decided to whip up a delicious batch of hot chocolate and surprise everyone with a tasty cookie. I held that moment close to my heart. I embraced my children tightly.

While we sat in front of the screen, our laughter filled the room, carrying away any worries or concerns we had. Every day seemed to blend until a particular one stood out among the rest. As we continued our journey, the drought became less significant in our minds. At last, I discovered myself in a good place.

But then, it dawned on me that I had ended up in the completely wrong place. Having a limited amount of something enjoyable left me feeling dissatisfied. Our capacity to experience genuine emotions was being limited by settling for mere mediocrity.

Was it the land? My family? Myself? Or the circumstances that were to blame? I found myself inexplicably caught in the midst of it. Desperation consumed us.

Imagine a world that underwent a complete transformation in a mere eight years. Returning to the town and farm where I grew up, living with my parents and two kids, brought back a flood of memories and emotions. I looked up at the vast expanse of hazel sky. I couldn't help but feel a sense of restlessness. There was no escape from the never-ending sameness that was now my world.

The remarkable growth and fulfilment of my dear friends, drew me to conclude that the flaws and shortcomings in my own life were huge. It hit me hard, leaving me disappointed at the age of 30. Returning to the fields of my childhood, I felt a strange sensation, as if all my life was being drained from me. It was impossible to prevent it from happening. I soon found myself as dry as a desert.

The harsh effects of the drought surfaced in me when I went back to the tree where my great-grandfather died. I collapsed, utterly exhausted, and chose to pause for a while to reflect. My life came to an abrupt end at the foot of the tree.

There was a palpable sense of sadness that permeated the air as news of my demise spread. Every person I encountered was considered a friend in my eyes. I let out a sigh of relief as it all came to a close. Every day, I faced the challenges of life head-on, pushing myself to the limit to simply make it through. Despite my hopes, the time had come for me to move on. And just like that, the Feng Shui door closed, never to open again.

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