The Trial of Don Gato

“Please state your name for the record.”

“Mi nombre es Don Gato, como estas?”

The Don rested in the chair with studied nonchalance, his face impassive, his whiskers impressive. He was very proud of his whiskers and spent many hours of every day improving them. His grooming was impeccable.

“Mr Gato-”

“Don.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Is Don. Señor Don Gato, no’ Meester Gato.”

“Yes, well, Señor Gato, please explain in your own words the events that occurred prior to the morning of July 15th this year.”

“Si, I am very much willing to tell my story. It is one of lovers, star-crossed and hopeless, no? Don Gato is a lover, not a fighter, although my claws are sharp,” the Don flicked one lethal claw in the light, a demonstration of his capacity for violence, but he sheathed it quickly in his velvet-padded paw, which he placed dramatically over his heart. “I am the soul of gentleness, with the sweetest of dispositions.” Somehow the Don’s smile was less than reassuring. “After reading a letter, a sweet love letter from my dearest Kitty, a sweeter, more fluffy white cat you never did see, I was overcome with euphoria. The lady had agreed via this missive to marry me. In my joy, I have slipped from the rooftop and landed on the earth below. It was the last I remember until I awaken in my coffin near the dock to the smell of the fishies. Then Señor Juan here, he says to me ‘Are you hungry?’ And behold, gloria a Dios, I am resurrected!” The Don made an exaggerated sign of the cross. “Lifted from the sleep of death to a new life! It’s a miracle, no?”

“So, Mr Gato, I beg your pardon, Señor Gato. You claim that you have no recollection of the events that took place between you falling from the roof and awakening by the fish market?”

“No, none at all.”

“Do you have the letter?”

“¡Ay caramba!” cried Don Gato. “Alas, no. Somewhere between my reading of it and my landing upon the cold, hard ground, I have lost it.” He struck an attitude of exaggerated despair. “So tragic, I would have cherished this letter forever, kept it close to my heart. But it is gone, forever lost to me.”

The members of the jury sighed and there was a general rumble of pity that rippled through the courtroom.

“Order!” The gavel banged three times and silence reigned once more.

The prosecutor turned to the judge, “I have here, your honour, a medical report that I would like to introduce as Exhibit A. This report was prepared by Dr Ambrose LeChat, an experienced medical professional who attended the scene. In it, he details the extent of the injuries sustained by the defendant in the aforementioned fall.”

“Is there any objection to the admission of Exhibit A into evidence?” the judge looked enquiringly to the opposing counsel, a shady, shabby, gray tabby, who stood as he spoke.

“Your Honour, we have no objections to the admission of Exhibit A.”

“Very well. Exhibit A is admitted into evidence.”

“Thank you, Your Honor. Now, if I may direct your attention to Exhibit A, you’ll see that it describes the injuries sustained by the defendant, one Señor Don Gato. According to Dr. LeChat’s report, Don Gato suffered a fractured knee, broken ribs, substantial damage to all his whiskers, and finally he was diagnosed to have received a severe blow to his little solar plexus. These injuries were so severe that, upon the arrival of several doctors who consulted together in order to save him, Don Gato was pronounced dead.”

The old judge nodded, “Thank you, Counsel. The medical report, Exhibit A, is admitted into evidence, and we will proceed accordingly.”

“Señor Gato, after being diagnosed with such traumatic injuries, how is it that you were witnessed leaping from the coffin in a great show of reanimation?”

“Well…Señor Gato, he was hungry, no?” The Don said with a Gallic shrug, as his lips twitched in a humble, self deprecating grimace. With one velvet paw, he combed his whiskers in a lazy sweep.

“You have such amazing whiskers, Señor Gato. Quite clearly, they are your defining feature, very lush and well groomed…”

“Gracias, mi amigo. A cat must always look his best for the public.”

“…So how would you explain the broken whiskers in this report? And not just one whisker, but all of them?”

“Objection your honour, my client can have no medical knowledge with which to answer that question.”

“Sustained.”

“Señor Gato. Do you expect the jury to believe that all the doctors who attended your accident and signed the death certificate were incompetent?”

“No, indeed. I am sure they were quite competent. In fact, I have very high respect for them.”

“Then how can all these esteemed physicians come to the same erroneous conclusion?”

“Objection!”

“No,” the Don bared his teeth in a smile. “It is quite alright for me to answer this. I have nine lives, no? Well, due to this incident, I have lost one. So tragic! I am now down to eight lives.”

“Señor Gato, would you say that it was quite convenient for you to die at the moment you fell from the roof?”

“I do no’ understand your question. I assure you it was most inconvenient to fall from such a height.”

“But at the time of your fall and consequent death, you were to be investigated for alleged tuna theft.”

“I have never been dishonest with any fishie dealings.”

“And upon being found to be deceased, all charges against you have subsequently been dropped. Quite convenient, wouldn’t you say?”

“Objection!”

“Your Honor, I am attempting to establish a pattern of convenient occurrences for the witness that resulted from his ‘death.’ This line of questioning is crucial to show a potential motive for the alleged deception.”

“Counsel, the motive you’re trying to establish relies on speculation and assumptions about the defendant’s intentions. Motive must be based on concrete evidence, not conjecture. Please rephrase your question or move on to a different line of inquiry.”

“I have no further questions, your honour.”

“Mr Gato…”

“Don Gato,” the Don corrected quietly, with a hint of a glint in his eye.

“Don Gato, you may step down.” The Don rose to his full height, bowed to the court, and with a flourish of his tail, he padded back to his place beside the shabby, gray tabby.

“Your honour, ladies and gentlemen of the jury,” the Defense Council began his closing address, as he smoothed his shabby, tabby coat. “Thank you for your unwavering attention and commitment to the pursuit of justice. Throughout this trial, we’ve consistently maintained one fundamental theme: that Señor Gato is an innocent cat, unjustly accused. Let’s take a moment to reflect on the evidence we’ve been presented.” The lawyer surveyed every member of the jury with his unblinking stare.

“You’ve heard testimony from witnesses who’ve attested to Señor Gato’s character, his honesty in fish dealings, and his peaceful nature. The prosecution has shown you medical evidence that raises doubts about the circumstances surrounding his alleged death and reanimation. My client has admitted to losing one of his nine lives in the fall from the roof.

“But this case goes beyond the evidence. It’s about the presumption of innocence. It’s about protecting the rights of the accused. The burden of proof rests on the prosecution, not on Señor Gato.” Once again the shabby lawyer paused for dramatic effect.

“Ladies and gentlemen, concerns have been raised about the timing of Señor Gato’s alleged fall from the roof. Was it convenient for him to die at that moment, as the prosecution suggests? Or was it an unfortunate accident that occurred after my client had received an exceptionally emotional letter from his beloved? The prosecution would have you doubt the existence of this letter, simply because during his death, the missive went missing. We must ask ourselves, what if we were in his paws? How would we explain such a fall?”

At that moment, the doors to the chamber were flung open and a collective hush descended upon the proceedings as a gushing ball of white fur burst into the room. She was a whirlwind of elegance and mystery. Her alabaster fur, as pristine as freshly fallen snow, gleamed under the muted courtroom lighting. With eyes that were full of luminous apprehension, she clasped her bosom dramatically. Then with an air of enigmatic urgency, she approached Don Gato, who gaped in shock. Her voice was a throaty pur as she exclaimed, “Mi amor! I had heard that you had died. My heart was broken in two!” She batted her long silky lashes. “But here you are, mi prometido! I am so happy to see you alive.”

Don Gato was struck momentarily speechless, while the jury looked on with bated breath. “Kitty?” he squeaked. The jury applauded as the lovely Kitty threw herself into the shocked arms of Don Gato.

Once again, the gavel banged three times. “Order!”

The shady, shabby tabby finally managed to complete his conclusion and appeal to the jury to acquit his client. His words were hardly necessary as the jury unanimously returned a decision. “Not guilty!” they declared. Swayed by the presence of a lovely Miss Kitty, they decided that Don Gato, surprised by such a passionate declaration of love from such a beautiful Kitty, could quite conceivably fall from the roof. All charges were dropped and Don Gato walked free.

***

Outside, once all the hullabaloo had died down, Don Gato and his Kitty were finally able to walk free.

“Miss Kitty?” The Don began with some nervousness once he was sure that no one could hear.

“The name is Snow, Mr Gato.”

“Don. Don Gato,” he corrected her.

“Yeah, whatever. Mr Juan promised me a cut of your haul. I just had to play the part of the loving fiancée. I figure that my performance was good. You’re a free cat. You give me what I’m owed, and we need never see one another again. You understand me?”

“Indeed, I do, Miss Snow.” Don Gato smiled. “I appreciate everything that you have done, and I do believe that I would be very happy to work with you again. You seem to be a lady of a refined skill set, no?”

“Are you offering me a partnership?”

“I may be.”

“Thank you, Don Gato, but I work alone.”

Don Gato watched her pad away gracefully, her tail held high. “¡Ay caramba!” He sighed to himself. She was a very pretty kitty. In fact, she was quite the loveliest in the city. He’d certainly had a lucky escape today, in more ways than one.