Are you there God, it's me, Chris.

Are you there, God? It’s me, Chris.

I’ll understand if you don’t remember me as I guess that remembering every name since the beginning of time, plus watching for all those birds falling and counting every hair on everyone’s head must be a bit time consuming. Although the fashion for shaven heads must make it a bit easier at the moment. By the by, do you have to count wigs too? If so, then King Charles’ cavaliers must have been a bugger at the time. What about hair extensions?

I haven’t contacted you for over 40 years, but it seems just as difficult to get through as it did then. Perhaps you should invest in a celestial switchboard if the hosts of angels can’t cope. You know tell us our call is important to you and you’ll answer as soon as you can, sort of thing. Then play a bit of Vivaldi. Four Seasons always goes down well.

Have you thought about an app?

Or perhaps go back to the old format of having specialised gods. You know one for trees and water and stuff. You could still be boss but delegate a bit more then, better than trying to do three jobs at once.

I gave up last time. I’d promised to go to church and everything but not a dicky bird from you.

Still, I’ve heard that you are crackerjack at forgiveness so please put me on the list.

I don’t suppose you do those “Buy one, get one free” offers do you? I do hope so but thank God, I’m not a Catholic, my knees wouldn’t be up to all that praying. Up and down like a bloody yo-yo when I went to that funeral.

It’s a bit dangerous swinging that incense around too, they could have someone’s eye out, and what with chucking that holy water around it’s all a bit Harry Potter if you ask me.

Forty years has seen me rack up quite a few sins.

On the plus side I haven’t killed or bore false witness against my neighbour but came pretty close when their dog kept crapping on my lawn.

However, I haven’t managed to keep holy the Sabbath day especially when there has been a bit of holiday boozing and that did lead to a bit of adultery, but only the once, and I did apologise.

What about paper clips and ballpoint pens? Do they qualify in the stealing category? If so, then can you put a few offences on the list. Well, quite a lot more than a few really, but then you would know that that wouldn’t you? What with having an all-seeing eye and that.

Is it just the one?

Now I’m wondering just how many you’ve got, although the pictures I’ve seen show the regular two. Speaking of the pictures, which one are you? Are you the good-looking bloke who looks a bit like Che Guevara or the bloke with the long white beard? Must be difficult keeping a flowing beard tidy, a small goatee might have been better. You know the type, my mum used to call them “poisoners beards”. Still that hipster look is back in now so you look quite trendy. Might have to do something about the flowing robes though.

I’ve wandered a bit, but I’ve just remembered that I used to steal my dad’s cigarettes when I was young. So, I really hope you do a BOGOF as that will be stealing AND failing to honour my father. Hang on, on a technical point, it’s honour your father and mother so if it’s only one parent does that still qualify?

I would like one count of coveting my neighbour’s wife taken into account. Drink had been taken and the party was getting a bit out of hand, and I was too pissed to do anything more than a bit of coveting. Just as well really, otherwise I might have needed the BOGOF on the adultery as well.

Now I come to think of it I have done a bit of taking your name in vain too but, Jesus Christ what are you supposed to do for, God’s sake?

Anyway, having cleared the air a bit I wanted to have a word with you about COVID.

Just what the fuck were you thinking? Pardon my French.

I’ve checked and there’s no mention of COVID when you were busy creating firmaments and stuff so when did that creep in? I suppose you are going to blame the other bloke. You know, the cloven hooves and horns fellow, pitch fork. Prince of Darkness bloke.

Well, if it was you, did you just fancy a bit of smiting? If so, I think smiting poor old Mrs Jones at number 19 was a bit heavy handed especially when you followed it up by bumping off Mr Jones on his 90^th birthday.

So, a word to the wise as it seems your infinite wisdom didn’t quite stretch far enough, I suppose that’s the problem with an ever-expanding universe, always struggling to keep up, but can you keep to the tried and trusted plagues of frogs, lice, flies and locusts.

I think turning water to blood isn’t a patch on your son’s wine trick. Turning on the tap to a nice bit of Malbec would be enough to make us consider our ways. Perhaps a nice cold Prosecco in the summer.

 If you have to, then at a stretch, boils, hail and darkness but steer well clear of killing first borns and COVID.

Speaking of the infinite ever expanding universe, if you’ve got time could you explain black holes to me? Oh, and Schrödinger’s cat while you are at it. What the hell is a theoretical cat and is the bugger dead or alive? And what are those two dots for?

Well, I’m going to sign off now, I’ve got a bit of a cough coming on. Thanks for listening if you’re there and hope to see you soon.

Oh, that’s wry humour God, I don’t mean it.

PS I’m definitely in the clear on the graven images.

Copyright Keith Butler 2022