Dear Internet: Signed, Will

January 23, 2019

Dear Internet: my name is Will, and I’m looking for a sign.

You see, my girlfriend and I have been together for a while now. Twenty-seven months, three weeks and one day, to be exact. It’s been like a fairy tale; I’ve experienced so many life-changing events. I’ve lost so much and gained so much more. It’s been insane, to say the least.

My girlfriend, you ask? Well... I’m not sure how to phrase this. She’s something else entirely, though, that’s for sure.

She’s like a hurricane: one moment she’s silent, smiling sweetly, spinning innocent white lies and pulling you closer, making you feel safe and loved. Next she’ll whip you up and spin you around, drenching you in her devastating chaos. She’ll toss you around, dragging you exactly where she wants you to be and by the time you’ve regained your footing, she’s gone, leaving you gasping for breath and wondering what the hell happened to you.

To sum it up, she’s incredible. She has this certain power over everyone she interacts with, bringing herself to the centre of attention no matter where she goes.

I’m thinking of taking our relationship to the next level, but I’ve never quite had the guts to. If I’m being honest, I’m scared. It’s a big step and the consequences are going to shatter everything that I’ve ever known as normal. 

I know, it sounds like I’m exaggerating. But, believe me, you’d understand if you were me. I can’t even think about it without a knot forming in my stomach. It’s stressful and its price is immense, but I want this to work – I want to be happy. 

So, here I am, waiting for a sign like a coward. Surviving every day, struggling because I can’t do what I want to yet. But I guess I’ll keep on going in hopes of experiencing something that will help me make up my mind.

I’ll be back, Internet.

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February 4, 2019

Hello, Internet. It’s me again, and I still haven’t found a sign. 

I’m working on getting there, though. I got it today. I love it and I really hope she’ll like it too. 

People can tell something’s off. They say I look tired, apparently. They never ask, but I know they’re gossiping about me by the way they avert their gaze and lower their voices whenever I’m nearby. They’re probably asking each other about what happened to me. I think they’re afraid of asking me. I don’t know why though. 

Alright, that’s not entirely true. I mean, I get it. Really. I should just go for it. I’m being a coward. But I want to wait for this sign – this confirmation that what I’m doing is right.

I don’t know what it will be, but I feel like it’s close.

I’ll update you when it arrives, Internet.

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February 9, 2019

Hello, Internet. My name is Will, and I think I’ve found my sign. 

I’m anxious, but also thrilled. I can finally achieve my dream of making my life better for good.

I was driving home from work when I saw it: a young couple walking down the side of the street. They were too far away for me to be able to distinguish their faces, but the sight was wonderful: one moment, they were walking side by side. Next, one grabbed the other’s waist and began to dance. 

There, in the pouring rain, I watched the couple, spinning around each other and laughing despite the weather. In fact, they seemed to form their own weather, lighting up the universe and blinding those who looked straight at them. 

While watching them, the bleak winter seemed to melt away into a stunning tropical paradise, where the sun always shines down, but never burns, just warms your skin while those you’re with warm your heart; where the water is never too cold and the rocks are never too harsh on your feet, but just enough to help you feel. And, oh, boy, you’ll feel a way you never have before, emotions washing over you with a turquoise hue, making your stomach turn in a way that cannot be described, even though you’re forced to focus on each emotion as they pass you by like a train, rushing on its never ending route to find its next passengers.

This sight made me understand exactly what I want, so I started planning. I hope it’ll go well. 

I hope she’ll like it as much as I do.

See you soon, Internet.

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February 14, 2019

Hello, Internet. It’s me, your old friend Will. I’ve found my sign and I think I’m ready.

It’s been twenty-eight months, two weeks and three days since we got together, and the entire time has been an adventure. I’ve experienced so much, and I want to change my life. 

Just ten minutes ago, I sat on my bed, watching myself in the mirror as I sat hunched on the bed – a habit that my girlfriend always complained about. I watched my face and all its imperfections. I couldn’t help but think of the young couple dancing in the rain and the picture they painted compared to the picture I paint now: sitting here between blue walls, wearing a white tee and sweatpants. I struggled to take my eyes off my face and arms, especially the decorative splashes of yellow, green and purple that were gifted to me by my girlfriend. My eyes themselves, though usually red, flat and devoid of any emotion, were sparkling with the strength of stars. In the evening light, I could clearly see the deep purple stain accessorizing my left eye. I forced myself to look away and then even covered the mirror with a sheet – other things were more important at the moment. Then, I reached under my mattress, pulling out the most important item of today.

Now, I’m sitting on my bed again, watching it sit on the nightstand while typing. It’s wonderful – a glorious shade of silver which catches the evening light so flawlessly, illuminating the wall to share indecipherable messages with the universe. Its handle is made of rosewood and if I pick it up and trace its edge, I can feel blood rising on my finger from its sharpness. It causes me so much happiness to simply hold it – I can’t imagine how I’ll feel when she sees it. My hands are shaking – I’m so excited! 

Finally, she can get to experience the hurricane herself.

I’m going to leave now. This is my last entry, Internet: I think you’ll know how this Grimm tale will end.

If you’re looking for a sign, this is it.

Goodbye, Internet.

Signed, Will