My Diary

THIS IS PRIVATE!

DO. NOT. READ.

Dear Diary 4/11/2018 

I hate her. I hate her more than anything. Life would be so much better without her. Everywhere I go I find drugs; under the couch, in the drawers, and especially in the bathroom. I can't live like this. She's a monster. 

The other day I was going to teach my little sister, Isla, how to ride a bike. We were out on the sidewalk in front of our small broken-down house, and this man came up to us. He had a grey hoodie on and a beard. “Hey Val! Give this to your mom and tell her I need to get that cash soon” he said in a deep and hoarse voice, but before I could respond he was already walking away. How did he even know my name? He was a creep. I looked down to see Isla's face, and she looked terrified. I always try to shield her from what my mom does. She's only four. She shouldn’t have to go through this. I love Isla and I don’t know what I would do without getting to see her smile every day. I took the drugs the man gave me and through them in the trash. 

Dear Diary 4/14/2018

I made a huge mistake. I should have done what I was told and just passed the drugs along. After I put them in the trash my mom kept asking where it was. I also got a few beatings, but I'm used to it. She doesn’t dare put a finger on Isla though because she knows I'll have a huge problem with that. The man that gave the drugs keeps walking past our house every day. I think he gets madder every second. The other night I overheard Mom talking on the phone with some guy. She was asking for money and said the man will start to kill. I assume she's talking about the creepy guy who gave me the drugs. I couldn’t sleep well that night. I still can't sleep in peace. The weird thing is that for a moment when she was on the phone, I felt like she cared. I screamed into my pillow at that thought. 

Dear Diary 4/20/2018  

I think we are finally safe. My mom somehow got the money to pay the creepy man. I know I might be overthinking this, but ever since that man threatened to kill us, she has stopped taking drugs. Not completely. I don’t think she's ever going to stop completely. I hate that she takes her anger out on me. She sometimes makes me feel like I killed her mom, or did something terrible. 

Isla finally learned to ride her little bike. I found the bike near a dumpster when I was going on a walk. I brought it home and called it a present. When Isla woke up and saw the bike her reaction was so precious. We could have never afforded that.  

Dear Diary 8/19/2019 

It's been so long since I wrote in this. Not much has changed expect for the fact that mom is now never home. I have to do everything around the house, but like I said nothing has really changed. I don’t find drugs everywhere now. There only in her room which is a great improvement. That doesn’t mean she's changed. I still think she's a monster.  

Dear Diary 2/5/2020

I have been so busy. I do two jobs a day trying to earn money. I stopped writing in this but now I need to start again. In rough times writing is my best friend. It’s the only way I can express myself. It's been a heartbreaking year so far. We don’t really know what going on but there are rumors of a bad disease coming around, but nobody seems worried so I guess it's not that bad. I get a brief glimpse of the tv when work at the laundry center. It would be terrible if anyone in our community got the disease because there would be no way they could afford the treatment for that. 

My mom’s also working. Which I never thought would happen in a million years. She still does drugs but rarely. It makes me happy that she's improving, but I will never forgive her for all the pain she put us through all those years. The other day when she was going out to the store, she asked me if I wanted anything. That was a first. Islas doing great. I'm so proud of her. She started school this year.  

Dear Diary 2/23/2020

WHAT THE HECK. I got fired from both my jobs today. How are we even going to have dinner? Islas school has closed, and now mom's home all the time. This is the worst! It's like the whole world is shutting down. Everyone's been saying people have died because of this virus. They call it the “coronavirus”. Isla really wanted to go to the playground today so I let her go. She's growing out of that small bike, and I really want to buy her a new one. The playground is not far from our house so when she asked to go alone, I let her. Mom was in the living room the whole day instead of being shut in her room. I think she's trying. I don’t let myself believe that though. I don’t want to be let down again. 

Dear Diary 3/5/2020

Isla has a really high fever, and my mom was the one who took charge. “I know a guy that can help” that’s what she said. She made a couple of phone calls and there was a guy in a car waiting for us outside our house. I told my mom that I could just run to the store and get medicine, but she insisted we had to go to the doctor. 

When we got to the hospital, we all got checked if we had the virus. Which I thought was very stupid because there was no way we actually had it. Isla just had a fever. They took Isla into a room and me and my mom waited outside. She didn't have the virus; the doctor gave her the medicine. I think she caught the fever from going to the park the other day. “Val, Don't worry about the money” For a moment after Mom said that, I thought I was hearing voices. I was speechless and I still am. 

Dear Diary 3/9/2020

 She died. Isla died.

I went to the store to buy her a bike. I thought that would make her feel better. When I got home there was a note. It was in mom's handwriting, and it said that she had taken Isla to the hospital. I took the bike with me to see her reaction. When I got there, she had already died. I didn’t even get to say goodbye. Her smiling face looked stone cold. She had no feeling in her body. I of course couldn’t go inside because apparently, she did have the virus. The doctors were wrong. This was my fault. I let her go to the playground, and I killed her. 

Dear Diary 5/21/2020

It was her birthday today. She would have turned six years old. I wonder why she got the virus. I would be glad to die. I sat still in the living room. My mom's there too. Sometimes I think she really did love Isla. I think my mom read my diary or has the power to read my mind because she said that she never meant to be a monster and that she loves me. It felt as though she had been waiting a long time to tell me this. Then she actually hugged me.  

Dear Diary 5/27/2020

I don’t forgive her just yet, but I don’t think she's a monster anymore.