Why are you here?

There I was, waiting sweating. Heartbeat slowly rising. 

What was going on? Why was I feeling this way? 

God help me, I feel so lonely. I’m shaking… why am I shaking God? Please help me. I don’t understand. Thinking back to why was I in the place I was in made me feel crazy and insecure. People pointing at me, killing my emotions. You’re hurting me, stop! I need to stay here and wait for her. She will be ok. God please answer me, why aren’t you speaking!! You are so unfair! Help me wait with you. A hand on my shoulder I feel. I look up and see a man with a brown jacket. I felt a warm and funny feeling when his hand touched my shoulder. Looking up at him startled, afraid. Who are you? Why are you here? Why are you waiting with me? He looks back at me and smiles. She will be fine, just have faith. Crying, tearing not holding back my feelings he gives me a ug and tells me to take care of myself because she will need me. Sir, why are you here? Why are you with me? 

Don’t worry, just do what I told you and you will be fine. Don’t cry my angel, she will be ok. I got mad and answered with all my anger: Can you leave!? I don’t believe you. At all. 

He smiles. 

Why are you smiling!? Didn’t you hear me??? Go away!!! 

I will leave, but please take care of yourself. 

Just go, I cried. 

Waiting, shaking. I got up, pushed through the big metal doors. 

Hey! Come back! Screamed security. Running after me, he grabbed my arm with all his force..bruising and hurting. Brought me right back to the room. The waiting anxiously room. The room that makes me cry and shake. Please, I just want to see her. 

I am sorry, you can’t. 

Please!!! I scream, crying loudly. 

From far, I see the man. That warm man. I get up and ask him for help. 

You are here for a reason no? I ask. 

You want to see her? He asks.

Yes!!! I need to see her please. 

Just wait 10 min he says. 

Through the door I see 3 officers walking towards me. They grabbed my already hurt arm and ask me several questions. 

What happened? They ask. 

She couldn’t speak to me. She was babbling, foaming and crying. I was scared. I was shaking. I don’t know CPR. I need her here, with me. Why is this happening!? I ask. 

Do you really think I hurt her!!? 

What is wrong with you!? Why are you here??? Why are yoy waiting with me?? You’re not important to us. Please go away!! 

Grabbing my arm, bringing me back the room… that anxiously waiting shaky room. 

Here he comes. The man. The warm man. 

Are you ready? He asks. 

Yes! Please take me to see her. I sobbed. 

Walking, every step I took was faster. When I finally arrived. I saw her. 

But wait!? 

Why does she have all those things on her!? What are those cables? What!!!?? 

Once more , grabbed by my arm back to that horrible room. 

There. You saw her… now, are you going to take care of yourself? He asks. 

Yes. I have to do this. For her. For us. Sir, I just have one question… 

Yes? 

Who are you? I ask. 

You asked me to wait with you. I waited. Why are you surprised? He asks. 

Can I ask you one more question before we leave? I ask. 

Yes. 

Will you guide me and stay with me all throughout? I ask. 

Only when you give me permission, he answered with a lovely warm smile. 

Ever since then, I found myself looking for that warm man. We came out of that scary room to a whole new world. She is fine, we are living differently though. People look at us weird, when I have to clear her lungs from what bothers her. Why is she not accepted? Why do people have to make comments about her?

Oh well. It's ok. I have that warm man's support. I have nothing to fear. He will help me and never leave me.

Once in a while when she gets the dark in her lungs we are forced back into the anxiously scary room.

I find myself scared, answering so many questions all at once. White coats and ladies coming in and out, asking me 100 questions.

What does she take?

What does she feel?

What do you do?

What are the numbers?

What can we do?

Did you bring her miracle juice?

Did you help with her movements?

I look at them, shaking once again. Feeling weird... seeing circles. Feeling lost. Feeling threatened.

Please help me. I ask in a shaky voice. My voice trembled as I kept asking for help.

I answer to the best of my knowledge. I try. I will keep trying.

The white coats look at me, some are proud...some are scared.

Some feel challenged. I make them understand me. I make them understand her. I am her voice now. She is mine, mines to take care of.

Can you please understand her too?

This is a hidden world. Nobody is able to leave that easy. Don't be scared of the room is the advice I give you.

Make sure you don't shake when you speak of yours. If not, they will take over you. They will try and hurt you. Never let that happen. I have to keep going for her.

I am who she counts on. She loves me, she asks me for help, while I ask the warm man for his.

I finally do. And guess what... I get my answer.

Now...

Everytime we have to go back I feel that warm hand on my shoulder.

You're here...

I will never leave you, he says.

Thank you, I answered.

I finally smiled in that scary room...

I can do this...

I will do this.

For her.

For me.

For us.

-A LONELY SPECIAL NEEDS MOTHER