For the Love

She was my favorite person, my sister. One of them, considering she isn't my only sibling or the only person I know. She is just up there on my list, my first best friend.

My sister and I have a funny relationship. We get along pretty well, used to hang out a lot. Even in school people thought we were simply best friends who did everything together because we look nothing alike. We are so alike but also so very different. She's Country, I'm Rock 'n' Roll. She seems more calm and I feel like I'm fiery. Different styles, different taste in men. She is athletic, I am artistic. Opposites on most things.

We were never going to have problems. Or so I thought. We had a code between us for years. If a guy tried to hit on one of us we would check with the other and make sure there was no conflict before proceeding. We lived in a really small town, few dating prospects really, but still enough that things would have worked out if she had just followed the damn code.

Fast forward a few years. I had been off and on with this guy, James, for a couple of years. He met my family one year for Christmas, had spent time in my home, some of those basic dating milestones. I loved him, it was just never the perfect time to be together. Fact is, we were off and on with each other and other people too, long ass story.

My sister was in a happy seeming relationship with her own boyfriend, Michael. He owned a home, came from a wealthy family, and had my sister covered. All she really needed to do was go to school and clean up the house they shared; which she loved doing. She watched my daughter for me sometimes when I went to work, their house was on my to work so it was perfect. I would stop in the morning and say hi to her and Michael then head out. She noted how cheerful Michael was when I came by, how he wasn't really engaging with her the same way any more. He had begun hiding her things in the house and keeping nude photos of his female best friend. She suspected he was cheating and myself and the family agreed, noting how odd his behavior was and that his excuses didn't match up. We supported her and urged her to find a way out, this would only end up hurting her.

The rest of the timeline is fucked, not gonna lie.

I am on again with James, we are all friends since we all know each other so we all hang out at times. My sister lets me know they plan to start going running together and I'm like "Go for it. I hate running so please don't invite me." My mother hears about this and begins to text me things like "Do you trust them?" "Are you sure?!" My response is "She's my sister, she would never hurt me." Periodically Mom asks "Have you talked to your sister?" I say "No, I haven't in awhile, why?" Mom replies "She will come around, just give it some time." Some time goes by and James breaks up with me. He is in love with my sister. Somehow them running in the boonies together turned into a full-fledged relationship. Of course I go off. "She won't be with you. Her boyfriend is rich and that's all she wants, she isn't leaving him for you. You'll see!"

I am waiting. Waiting to hear from my sister. Plenty of time passes by and she won't face me. I text her first "Do you want to go to the fair with me tonight?" She sends back "Yes, but I need to tell you something first..." My heart starts racing, cold sweat starts; is this what a panic attack feels like? No, it's my world falling apart. The texts start coming in furiously and broken "James and I did something and..." "I don't know if you still want to hang out" "I am pregnant now." I am reeling. Tears are poring out of my soul and I respond "What did you do?!" ... "We did some stuff and I'm pregnant." I ask several times what "stuff" she means. I want her to admit what it was, the act that left her pregnant with my newly ex-boyfriend's child. She refuses to type the words. I deem her a coward and sprawl out on my cool kitchen floor to sob into the linoleum. It's the end of July and I feel frozen. All the blood has left my body and gone where, I don't know.

We go to the carnival. I can hardly look her in the eyes. Is she even the same person now? How could she do this to me? We just go on with the night like nothing is wrong. We ride all the rides we can, eat, laugh, and roam the fairgrounds like we did every year before this. But this year is a pivotal one. No one even knows. We see all the people we know and smile, make small talk and move on like one does at small town events like this.

A few months pass. We aren't speaking much as one could expect. She and James are living together now, preparing a life together and awaiting their baby's arrival. Grandpa is dying so we decide to travel together to go see him one last time. With all things stressful, people get a little crazy. This period was no different. Listening to my sister and mom gush over James now and how great she and James are together about killed me. They acted like high school girls do; being needlessly loud and giggly just to break me down more. Of course, I was weak. I lost my mind. Lost my boyfriend, lost my sister, losing my grandfather. What the hell. I get into an argument with my mother about it all. She demands to know "Did you really think he loved you?" Well shit, good question. Clearly not. Just as my sister might not and neither do you. There was no love in this for me. I spent about three years outcast and alone because I chose not to support my sister completely.

What changed things for me was when my niece was born. I didn't get to meet her for several months. I yearned to see her and be a part of it all. I wanted her to know me. I wanted to love her and help care for her. The moment I finally got to hold her, I got emotional. Her soft, porcelain skin and rosy little cheeks with deep dimples, huge brown eyes with dreamy black lashes, head full of wavy black hair. I fell in love instantly. Such a beautiful, innocent little person came from a shitty situation. How could I even be mad anymore? Look at the gift we got out of it. Now, I have two perfect nieces by them and couldn't imagine my life without the girls. James is no longer in the picture but really, that's irrelevant. I got my sister back and we have the babies to love between us.