Changing for the better

2020, the year of surprises. The year where my life flipped upside down. The year the first pandemic in 100 years began. I’m 14, I spend most of my time over analyzing everything, so when this happened I felt totally and completely out of control. The pandemic officially ended a month ago but nothing feels normal. Sometimes there are still the harsh reminders of Covid-19 when I see a “Please wear a mask” sign that hasn’t yet been taken down. I lost my father to Covid-19, and I think about it every day. Covid-19 has single handedly destroyed my life in the course of a year and a half. But it didn’t just take my father, it took hundreds of thousands. My father was just another number in the mix. My father was a police officer. He dealt with many people a day. Most of which never wore a mask. We don’t know who he got it from but that doesn’t matter. I just don’t want it to be true. 

My name is Jennifer. I live in a small town in Arkansas right in the top left corner of the state. You know everyone and everyone knows you. That can be good and bad. Since my dad died everyone has been coming over to check on us. I know they mean well but it's not something I'm ready or want to talk about. I go to the middle school down the road from our house. Now that Covid-19 is over I can go in person this year. Me and my friend Katie walk to school together every day. Katie is my closest friend. She understands me in a way no one else does. She feels with me and I feel with her. 

“So, are you ready to have your last first day of middle school?” Katie said with excitement and nervousness. “I don’t know but I know I’m already for summer to come again.”. “Me too, although I don’t see it in our near future it will get here before we know it.”. Katie was right. By the time I knew it we were three weeks into school. By that time you would think I don’t think about Covid-19 anymore. That it’s a distant memory. Well I wish that were true. Covid-19 didn’t just happen then go away. It left a paper trail of effects. For example, We have breaks just to wash our hands now and we all still use hand sanitizer like crazy. Covid-19 is definitely not gone in my mind yet. 

That night I had the most awful, horrible, dreadful dream. I woke up in sweat, my arms went limp. My feet were twitching, and my tears were running. Should I answer the obvious question? Yes, it was about Covid-19 and yes it was about my father. But what scared me the most was that it wasn’t a dream. It was the harsh reality. If it was just a dream my dad would be here and Covid-19 would have never happened. 

Later that night I stayed up thinking about my dad. How he loved football and taking me to games. The day he taught me to ride my bike. When I had a bad day, how he always made me feel better. These memories used to be comforting but now they remind me of how I can’t do those things anymore. “Beep! Beep!” My alarm clock rang. I got out of my tear soaked bed and got ready for school. Though I knew I was falling down a rabbit hole of emotions, I wanted to try to forget about Covid and my dad for a day. Everyone else seemed to move on, why can’t I? 

That day at school was one of the best days I’ve had In a while. Katie told me funny quarantine stories she and her family had and I think I actually smiled. I think I smiled for the first time in a very long time. And to put a cherry on top of that great sundae when I got home my mom made my favorite dinner and we had a movie marathoughn like we used to do all the time together before my dad died. Then that night when I went to bed, I felt peace. Peace was an odd feeling to have because I forgot how it felt. When you find the true definition of peace it says “Freedom from disturbance; tranquility.” and that's how I felt. 

You might say, why didn’t you try to find peace and forget about Covid a long time ago? It isn’t that easy. There are so many obstacles in my way, and they still are. But the trick is to honestly tell yourself the one thing I wanted most when Covid hit. “It's over.”. My dad isn’t in pain anymore. The world isn’t in pain anymore. People aren’t dying from Covid anymore. I learned to control my thoughts so I wouldn’t open a Pandora's box of emotions and go down a spiral.

2021 the summer Covid ended. The summer I got my vaccine. The summer before my last year of middle school. The summer things started to get better, and not look so impossible. The year was astonishingly better than 2020. Not like it had a hard competition. This was the year I changed. I changed for the better. I joined the drama club. We put on the play “Our Town”. I was the lead, Emily. I made new friends, which is totally unlike me because I used to be so shy. I made good grades. Not just good but great. I had all A’s for the first time in my life. 

Some might say that if Covid never happened, I would never be this person I am today. I think I agree. Covid ruined and helped my life. It made me face something bigger than myself. It challenged me to the point of breaking, but I never broke. Covid-19 has been the hardest thing in my life. I know there will be many other challenges in my lifetime i'll have to overcome, and I'm ready for them all.