A First Love Experience

Dear Diary, Sept Of 1993

 I'll never forget the first time he smiled at me in the hallway, my heart began to race with a blushing face. Shortly thereafter, he picked me up for our first date and I was super stoked. I could hear bells ringing in my head and the warmth of my blood running through my veins. The first time we kissed, our heads were slowly inching close and my eyes shut tightly. Time began to go in slow motion and when our lips finally touched, anticipation finally ended and I was smitten beyond my imagination. As the kiss deepened, I felt giddy and lightheaded, butterflies fluttered and swirled through my stomach. That very moment, I was convinced that I was in love -- for the very first time.

 For the first time in my adolescent life, I knew how it was to feel the way I did about another person; the feeling of love like the way it's described in romance novels and in the movies. It felt real and I was confident it was. You look into their eyes and see the same stars sparkling in them and it's the first time you'll realize that another person feels the same way you feel about them. I was floating on cloud nine, high on love and everything was more than fine.

It was the first time I allowed myself to be truly comfortable with another person, the first time I let my guard down completely, and the first time I allowed someone to see me in all my entirety. In my own state of bliss, I laughed without a care in the world -- it was the first time I laughed so hard that I snorted in front of another person without turning bright red with embarrassment. As our relationship progressed, it was the first time I became unashamed to expose my naked body to be viewed and admired by another and the first time I allowed myself to be loved truly, passionately and completely. 

In the spirit of sharing and caring, trust and honesty, it was the first time I showed my vulnerability -- clearly and openly, and the first time I allowed anyone to see me break down in tears, letting my water dam burst. I opened my floodgates and I cried hard -- harder than I'd ever cried before -- harder than I ever knew I could. It was the first time I realize that it wasn't possible to run out of tears. But like all good things that are seemingly perfect, life is unforeseen and the inevitable always happens. It was the first time I realized the person who brings you the most joy is the same person who can bring you the most agony.

 It was the first time I held the bow for someone else to draw the arrow back and aim directly at my chest. The first time I gave my trust to someone else to protect my heart. First love.... is never anticipating or expecting them to you let go. 

There's a first time for everything. But it's called first love, because it's also the first time you'll feel what happens when it's over. It's the first time you'll feel like someone is ripping through your chest and griping your heart, pulling it out and tearing it apart. It's the first time you'll cry so hard for another person to the point where you can't breathe. It's the first time you'll feel completely helpless, like a kitten that hasn't quite learned how to walk on its own. It's the first time you'll feel like you're grabbing onto something only to realize it's all smoke disappearing between your fingers. It's the first time you'll blame yourself for something that perhaps wasn't your fault, or maybe it was, but you'll never know for sure, and it's also the first time you'll be entirely responsible for the way you feel inside. 

It's was the first time I put myself at fault for loving too much, beating myself up for recklessly throwing myself onto a relationship and becoming absorbed in them. At 16, I believed in my heart that my first love would be my last. It's the first time I gave more than I had to make another person happy, but at the time it was okay, so I thought -- only because his happiness was my happiness. And in assuming we would be together forever, I believed that as long as I kept him happy, then I would be happy, too. This is the first time I blamed myself for caring too much, and in doing so, I'd lost myself somewhere in the process.

 Hearing the words 'I don't love you anymore' for the first time sucks and it feels like a dagger piercing through your heart. It hurts like nothing you've ever felt before and the pain is real. Nothing seems to hurt as much as hearing your first love tell you it's over. You'll feel numb, grief-stricken and you'll feel like your life is over.

 This was my 'first love' experience. I lived through it and I learned. Eventually, I snapped out of my fantasy and began to realize that a first love experience is not a young adult novel. No matter how hard we wish it was in our time of adolescence, things will not necessarily work out in the end. You will not necessarily end up with them. It's a part of life and it happens to the best of everyone. When first love ends, you'll wonder if you even knew what love even was in the first place. You'll wonder if what you had was real or if you felt that way (or if they felt that way) only because that's what romance novels and movies told you how to feel. When first love ends, you'll be left feeling lost and alone, sad and confused, and absolutely hopeless. 

First love hurts when it ends and it leaves you second guessing yourself, your self-worth, and who you even are. When first love ends, you'll feel there's now a hole in your heart, an absence of a presence, a hollow and empty space, you'll feel like something's missing. You'll try to put up a brave front to show your strength by telling yourself that you will adjust and your heart will heal and become whole again -- even though you don't feel that it will. But in time, when your heart does heal, it will never be the same. The space your first love used to occupy will remain hollow and empty. The scars will always remain and never fade.

When first love ends, you'll feel like you're drowning, desperately gasping for air. You'll reach out your hand for help, but the hand you've trusted for so long is the one pressing you down and keeping you under. 

Moral Of The Story

First love is not your only love. It's not necessarily your best love, or your last love. First love is first. Your very first experience of love. It's something wonderful, amazing and new, but first is not synonymous with forever. And first is definitely not connected whatsoever to final. It's called your 'first love' simply because it's just that - your first. Not your last.