Still Snow

Somehow, I thought this would be fun. Away from all of the hustle and bustle, a place to clear my thoughts. I’m not sure why in the world I rented this remote cabin. No phone service, no Internet, no electricity. Ha. I’m nuts. I wasn’t worried about starting a fire or cooking on a propane stove. I’ve done those things a million times. I wanted to see the pristine snow; see the animal tracks of those that ventured by. I know Jake will keep me safe and he’ll be good company. Whether he could scare away a big bear is another story but maybe they are asleep now. The bear not Jake. And he won’t eat much. There was plenty of room for his kibble in the car.

Maybe by talking out loud I described why I came. I wanted to see if I could do it. I camped some in college but other than building a fire what could there be to do here? You see, I wasn’t brought up fishing and camping with my dad. Heck I had never done anything but hike in the woods. No camping til at least college. I had a great mom, but she was working and raising me by herself. That doesn’t leave a lot of time for outdoor sports. I never ever felt neglected but most of all, her job, taking care of me, the house, the yard, and making enough for us to get by didn’t leave her much time for anything else.

From describing this kind of strong woman you can probably imagine I grew up with certain “rules”. I was going to move ahead and go to college or be dead or at she said so often. I was going to be a good and polite child, but I was also going to take nothing off of nobody and be afraid of no one, except of course her.

It was a good upbringing,  one that seemed happy. The fact that I had a divorced mom and no father in a small town where everybody else had a partner for the daddy/daughter dance still never made me aware that my life was any different. No money but lots of love is how I have always described my upbringing. At the time I didn’t even realize we didn’t have money. I don’t know how my mom managed without ever receiving a moment’s child support. A good budgeter and a hard worker. I guess that’s how. Wish she was still here so I could ask more questions.

In the midst of all this boring story I forgot to mention I was adopted. I was a week old when my mom and dad took me home from the hospital. My mom and dad were married 20 years. When I was 5 dad’s dad told my mother Richard was lazy and she needed to divorce him. And that’s how we came to be in that little country town all by ourselves.

 Enough rumination about things that were. I finally got the nerve up to unwrap the blanket and get out of the chair to put the percolator on the propane stove. Wondered about the last time I’d even heard that word. Anyway, this place wasn’t bad. It sure wasn’t roughing it. The wood was stacked outside for the fireplace. It had a table and chairs and a somewhat comfy looking chair as well as a kind of lumpy looking bed. There’s even what’s called a compost toilet here. Explaining this would be what one calls TMI. Let’s just say it needs no electricity and has no smell like a portable one. So the roughing it side of this isn’t really true because other than bringing food, bottled water, a good book and this pencil and paper what could you need.

Outside is as quiet as still. I’m not sure how you define quiet. Still came to me first but empty might be a better word. It’s night and I don’t even hear a bird. My car engine cooling might make one crack, but I’d have to pick the exact moment to be outside to hear it. Then again, that exact moment could be true of anything that might be out here. It’s very beautiful with nothing but trees and snow in sight. I know there is a lake below somewhere. I was warned it is not yet frozen solid. I noticed they had some snowshoes hung on the porch wall. I can take a walk and clear all of those thoughts I mentioned right out of my head.

I wonder exactly what I thought was so bad that it needed to be cleared out of my head. I also wonder if sometimes when we get away from things, even away from other people, that the things we think we need to clear our heads about don’t exist? Is it us or them? An age-old argument...us or them. Ages ago a very smart quiet man I worked with was having a drink with me after work. I was doing my raving, tired of things at work stuff. Griping about a lady messing something up and saying she made me so mad. He looked up at me and said, “only you can make you mad”. That has stuck with me many years and it has always made me realize that I was either my own problem or my own solution. Sounds deep doesn’t it or like a diatribe you hear at every workshop. But that quiet nice man said it all in a few words.

I only get to stay in this quiet, still, snowy place for one more day. I’ve read, I’ve done crosswords, brushed jake, braided my hair, built a fire. I just don’t want to go back. I wonder how many of us always feel that way. But I also wonder how many of us could actually handle being alone in such a remote place for more than a day or two. So I’ll go. Try and get my snow-covered car back through the same ruts and then I’ll get me back in the same rut. Until I need that “still” again. This snowy beautiful, lonely, sweet place is the place to be.